"Today, everything was fine. Until roundabout, quarter to nine, I suddenly found myself in a bind. Was it something I said? Something I read and manifested that's getting you down. Don't you dare come to bed with that ambiguous look in you eye, I'd sooner sleep by an open fire and wake up friend..."

I’m starting to believe that with every job I have, I learn what I don’t want from life. I’m not sure if it’s some higher power’s way of telling me to run while I can and pursue the career path I want, or it just ends up making me realize that I can’t stay in said jobs forever. First stop on the jobs to date: Canadian Tire.

I worked at Canadian for 5 years during the end of my high school and majority of my university life. My boss, the tiniest, angriest woman I’ve met to this day with moods that change like the weather, a short fuse and a fifteen years of service Canadian Tire badge. At the annual CT mandatory unpaid meeting, the higher ups in head office would pass out badges for years of service (and souls rendered) in a big formal ceremony. Watching these men and women who appear unhappy and lifeless the majority of the times I’ve seen them get their badges, scared the crap out of me. I wondered if they always dreamed their lives would be this way, and why they never left the Tire when even in the world of retail there are better alternatives.

My next retail stop. Bluenotes, where everyone who worked there was between 18-20 (I was 23) and my managers were my age. It always bothered me that the managers were my age and couldn’t understand my lack of enthusiasm when peddling deals like t-shirts 2 for $20 or about folding millions of graphic tee’s with phrases like “naughty girl” and sparkles on them. One girl I used to work with was all about working her way up in the Bluenotes family at the ripe age of 23. She’d also wish for something ‘exciting’ to happen in her life like marriage or pregnancy, so maybe she was exactly where she wanted to be?

My internship at CityLine was awesome; I really believe it changed my life. However, not getting paid for 4 months was not the greatest thing - but you make do to get where you want to be in life. I realized quickly in an industry where some people don’t know your name, or making a point of telling you that they in fact never plan on learning it, that you have to take the bad with the good. With that experience and my first insight into television, I decided I wouldn’t forget (if I make the big bucks I like to dream of) to appreciate the people I work with down to the coffee runners (as I was one) and to remember their names! I like to believe in karma and hope those who forget what it’s like to be an intern will be harshly reminded one day.

Which brings me to my current job. The Library. This surprisingly is the job that has been the most indicative of what I don’t want for my adult future (should I ever start to consider myself an adult, lol). I don’t want a standard 9-5 job; I don’t want to be part of the shuffled herd of the rush hour GO train. I don’t want to work an unchallenging, mindless job that I don’t care about. I don’t want to talk shit behind my fellow employees backs then turn around and give them a big fake smile afterwards. But there is a woman I work with who spends the ENTIRE workday talking about herself. When her pets are sick, she sends building wide email updates. It’s worst when you actually know this lady, I assure you. So maybe the best way to figure out who you want to be is figuring out who and what you don’t want to be? Maybe this isn’t the case for everyone, but it’s does seem to be in my case.

Speaking of jobs! I got my official hiring e-mail for the Beijing Olympics, it’s really happening! It’s as follows:

Congratulations！
This email is to let you know that we will be hiring you to work for us during the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. We will be sending you a letter in January that will let you know your work dates and how much you will be paid.
Please keep in mind that this is not a volunteer position. You will be part of our paid staff here at BOB. We look forward to working with you at the Olympics!

I wonder what crazy realization I’ll get from this job; I’m really looking forward to finding out. Although I’m still having a hard time picturing myself in China. It just seems too crazy.

"In the stick count for the song with knowing you're gone, glancing up at where you lived when you lived here. I see you suddenly alive and nearly smiling, stop and hold my breath and watch the way we used to be…The full moon makes our faces shine like over-ironed polyester, then disappears behind the clouds, and leaves me under empty rows of night windows…"

I don’t know what’s up with me, maybe I’m having a quarter life crisis or something. I’m feeling really antsy and unsure these days, and I don’t like it. I guess it’s stemming from some uncertainty I’ve been facing in my professional and personal life.

Recently after a long time on the bench (gotta love a good baseball analogy) I got back into the dating scene. Long story short, and without sounding too emo, it didn’t quite work out. But it made me realize that maybe I’ve been hiding out too much, telling myself I didn’t want a relationship but realizing that I do. I mean, who wants to be that older lady on the GO train choosing between two pre-packaged meals for one (seriously, I saw her today; it scared the hell out of me!) So while I’d like to sit back and hope for the best, I guess it’s not very realistic to think that way, and there are some nice people to meet. I mean the guy himself was nice and I was glad to get to know him, but here’s where I always seem to run into trouble. When you date someone, no matter how long the time frame, you spend quite a bit of time getting to know the person. But when things don’t work, for whatever reason, are you supposed to just go on pretending that person doesn’t exist and forget everything that made you want to get to know them in the first place? Maybe I’m incapable of letting go of people, that’s definitely something I’ve wondered about myself for a long time. I don’t know, I just feel like you get gipped or something.

Also, in terms of ‘profession,’ I’ve come to terms with the fact I hate my job as an illustrious library assistant. If it weren’t for the prospect of Beijing in August, I think I may have harmed myself or others by now. Ok, not realllly but it’s so boring! I can’t stand the boredom. I know I shouldn’t complain that some people are unemployed, in poverty, have it worst than me, etc etc but just allow me this small moment in this self made venue to vent a little. I need it so. I’ve started looking into taking a night or online class, but with student loans and bills and stuff I can’t really afford it. Basically during the week I spend 8 hours a day at work, 3-4 commuting and then I come home and wait around to do it all again and I hate it. I feel like I’m in a rutt and I don’t know how to get out of it. In all seriousness if anyone had some weekend or post-work suggestions for time wasting at a cheap rate, I’d welcome them. I’m feeling a little lost and I’ll take all the help I can get. :)

"Will I ever get to, to where it is that I've been going? Will I ever follow through with what I, with what I have planned? I guess it´s possible that I have been a bit distracted, and the directions for me are a lot less in demand, in demand..."

Things lately have been pretty good, I must say. While I’m still dwelling in the basement work-wise, I’m starting to feel better about it. Even though Beijing won’t be my method of escape until August, it’s nice to know it’s out there. I may even try to escape the basement to something else before that, but I know I won’t be stuck here forever, and it’s helping me get some of my debt paid, nothing wrong with that.

Beijing still seems like a situation I can’t quite pull into reality. It’s a fantasy opportunity that I never thought I’d get and still don’t believe. I never thought I wanted to get out of television, but in the last few weeks I suppose I have started to doubt my abilities and worth for such a large industry in which I have such little experience. But yesterday, I took my Mom and sister to be part of the audience for CityLine (my old internship) with tickets I had requested months ago, and I’m so glad I went. Seeing all the people I used to work with and even watching the show being put together reminded me of how much I loved it there (despite it’s lack of monetary payment, lol). The people are amazing and the atmosphere is unlike any other I’ve worked in, I guess it just helped me see that I can’t give up.

I know I often use this method as an outlet for expressing my anger or complaints, but I guess I’m take an unchartered route into optimism. I just feel like there are still a lot of possibilities, and I like that everything isn’t decided for me already. I’m not ready for a certain schedule of a certain job everyday with a husband and kids, and I’m definitely not knocking those who are. I know eventually I’d like to go that route but I just think it’ll take me a while to get there.

In two weeks I’ll turn 24, and I’m really looking forward to getting out with my best ladies and gentlemen, the people in my life who really matter, and celebrating. I’ve been asking myself if I’m where I expected to be life-wise at the age of 24 and I can’t decide, but I think I’m doing pretty good so far.

Saturday morning 2:30am I meet up with my friend and former co-worker Christina for our adventure to New York. 5:30am we’re at the Buffalo airport on a flight to New York. Her on no sleep, me on about 5 hours. Our eyes are burning, but we’re going to New York!

We get to New York early Saturday morning and take the world’s longest subway ride to our hotel. Ditch our bags, and head out. Times Square, first stop: the TV/Movies tour with our (hot) tour guide, Brian. We see sites like the front of the Friends apartment building, to the front of the Huxtable house. While on the tour a girl on our bus yelled and pointed out Ethan Hawke walking down the street with his son and his dog. We all stared and took pictures, and he waved awkwardly. I felt bad for lurking him, but I guess that’s what’s normal in New York? I don’t know.

Later that night, we thought we’d see what we could find for a Broadway show, and Christina made the best find. We’d never heard of the Farnsworth Invention, but it had two important, decision-making factors: Hank Azaria, and it was about television. Being big TV nerds by profession and interest, we went. It was awesome, and afterwards we saw Hank Azaria outside. We got his autograph and we told him we knew all about the stuff in the play because we work in and went to school for television, hence the “Wow you guys really ARE nerds.” Oh Hank Azaria.

The next day we went on the NBC Tour and spent way too much money in the NBC Experience store. On the tour we saw and sat in the studios for SNL and Conan. I was excited to see the studio was small so there wouldn’t be a bad seat in the house for Conan. That is until, I find out, seeing the studio will only be a precursor cock tease to the writer’s strike, and my inability to see Conan, this not fulfilling my life dream, re-iterating the existence of the widely believed McBride curse, and making me very very sad. I can’t even begin to imagine the ramifications if this strike lasts as long as the one in 1988 (about 5 months), it’s going to totally change American TV, making it much much worse, I’m sure.

However, in my melancholy state I must say that Christina was very sympathetic to my pain and incredibly helpful in getting my mind off the strike, mostly by shopping (which she hates, so I extra appreciated it). While shopping we passed Chris Daughtry (American Idol, Daughtry) on the street. Crazy right? After too much shopping and money spent, we went to the big Apple store, down to Central Park, Radio City Music Hall, Trump Tower, and cool places like that.

On Monday, without the Conan experience we went down to Battery Park to see the Statue of Liberty and walk around. We also went to the Stock Exchange and the World Trade Center. They are doing a lot of construction by the Trade Center right now. Later that night I FINALLY got to see a movie I’ve been waiting forever to see, Into the Wild. So good, the book is good, the movie’s good. Read it, then go see it. You heard it here first.

Tuesday was our last day in the big city. We started off the day on the Sex and the City tour. More props to Christina for letting me drag her on this one as well. We went to places like the Magnolia bakery, Carrie’s front stoop, Aidan and Steve’s bar, etc. But by FAR the highlight came at the end of the tour. The spot the bus dropped us off at was literally down the street from where the Sex and the City ladies were currently filming scenes for the new movie. I was very lamely ecstatic. Now we were across the street, but we DID see all four ladies decked out in New York’s finest fashions replicating a scene from New York Fashion Week (that isn’t actually going no right now). They had fake snow and Samantha had blood thrown on her fur coat from a fur protestor. That’s all I know, but it was pretty excellent.

After that, a little more shopping and a long way home brought me back home last night and to work today. Upon coming home I did manage to find out I should be in Beijing for about a month. I’m still waiting for many many more details. Stay tuned.

"I’ve found it hard to say to you that this is what I have to do, but there is no way that I’m gonna stay. There are so many things you need to know, and I wanna tell you before I go
but its hard to think of just what to say. I’m gonna pick it up, I’m gonna pick it up today,
I’m bound pack it up, I’m bound pack it up and go away..."

Things are happening. My life is changing. I know it’s true but yet find it increasingly difficult to believe. As most people have probably heard by now, (as I’ve been exclaiming it from the rooftops), I will be hired on to work as part of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This is based solely on the fact that my Uncle has massive influence there and not at all based on my skills, but who cares? How often does a person get to a) go to China and b) see the Olympics take place? Never mind both at the same time! I do wish I had details though; right now all I know is at some point I’ll be going. It would be nice to know when I should be packing my bags and leaving the country, but never the less, it’s crazy and exciting.

Speaking of exciting, the adventure to New York is coming, only 5 more days left before Christina and I take the trip. I can’t wait. Again, I know it’s happening but I still have a hard time processing that I’ll actually get the chance to do it. Suddenly life seems full of endless possibilities of traveling to new places, and making new friends, something I’ve wanted for a very long time.

I’m just really happy with how things are going, which is something for a while I’d been missing. I think moving home was the right decision too. Granted the commute is long and kind of balls, but in the long run I think I’m actually a lot happier making attempts to substantially pay back my loans that it trumps the fact I’m almost 24 and still living with my parents.

"Streets slow down and ice over, dusk comes on and I struggle to stop, to stop to stop thinking of you, in civil twilight...Hey, every other hour I pass that house,
where you told me that you had to go, I wonder if the landlord has fixed the crack,
That I stared at, instead of staring back at you..."

I’ve been feeling pretty good about life these days. Last weekend I went to a gathering in celebration of my dear friend Mel’s 24th birthday and many good people were there, and good times had. I think the sudden change in mood was having such a nice evening combined with my upcoming trip to New York on the horizon. I’ve never been to New York and have always wanted to go. It was one of those things that you always talk about to friends but think, just like all of the other silly things you talk about, will never actually happen. But not this time! My lovely friend Christina and I are embarking for the big city at the beginning of next month and I cannot wait to get there. Not only are we going to New York, but while there we are doing the single most fantastic thing one can do in New York: attend a taping of Late Night with Conan O’Brien! It has long been a life dream of mine to see Conan live and in person and after calling a few thousand (ok now a thousand, but quite a few!) days in a row for the tickets on the date of our trip to be released, I finally got them! Who knew it was so easy? Now we have the tickets, the hotel booked and our flight scheduled – it’s all set.

Another thing I’m always happy to have is good music, and some really good bands have put out excellent albums as of late. In the last few weeks I’ve been back and forth listening to the new Foo Fighters album, Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace as well as the Weakerthans, Reunion Tour. I’ve also been listening to an older release, the latest album from Silverchair, Young Modern – but I can’t quite decide how I feel about it. Some songs I find pretty catchy, others I think are kind of ridiculous. I haven’t reached a final decision just yet. But, if you’re a fan of the Foo’s or the Weakerthans - you should already have these albums! If you don’t, go get them now! You won’t be disappointed. On a side note of older releases, I still haven’t been able to stop listening to this year’s the White Stripes release, Icky Thump. I love love love it. You’re doing yourself a great disservice if you don’t own, or at least have listened to this album. And while I’m making musical recommendations, you should also pick up Live by City and Colour. It doesn’t do justice to actually seeing Dallas Green live, which is mind-blowingly amazing.

So last week I moved home, I’m officially more lame than I already was. I’ve been working the evening shift at CBC all week, and it’s a lot of alone time in the basement after hours. I’ve found myself in need of some sort of activity to pass the time. This whole, no more school, no homework thing has me out of sorts. I’ve always had something to read, write, worry about – but now, nothing! I’ve been reading books by choice instead of by scholarly obligation, which is a really nice change of pace, but still I feel like I have so much time and nothing to do with it. This would probably be the time taking a night class or having one of those boyfriends, would be convenient. But alas, my work schedule rotation prevents me from signing up for anything. And the guy thing...well………that’s a work in progress. Until then, I’m open to suggestions.

"So let's face it this was never what you wanted. But I know it's fun to pretend, now blank stares and empty threats, are all I have, they're all I have..."

Thursday night my sister and I went to the Danforth Music Hall to see City and Colour (Dallas Green of Alexisonfire’s solo act). It was one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to. We were lucky enough to be in the third row on the floor of the small theatre, but truly there wasn’t a bad seat in the house, and it wasn’t a fancy show of lights and effects, that’s not his style. It was an honest, low maintenance performance reflective of Dallas’ character. It was mainly Dallas and his guitar. There were a few times when he had drums and bass to back him (2 members of Attack in Black who opened the show, who knew they were in City and Colour as well?) He’d crack a few jokes, tune his guitar and almost effortlessly unleash such a powerful voice upon us. I was blown away; I could have listened to his voice for hours. I’m so glad I was able to see such a great, bare bones show. Free from rocker ego, pyrotechnics and hype. I think this kind of show can only be pulled off by true artists.

As for other aspects of my life, it looks like the move is on. I will either be moving elsewhere in Toronto or home to Hamilton by months end. I am seeing one more apartment today, and if that doesn’t work out I will go back to Hamilton in an attempt to save money and pay off the enormous debts I’ve accumulated during my 5 years of education. This will make for one awful commute, but such is life I suppose. Going home would also help me in saving money for my prospective trip to China next summer. However, this trip is not guaranteed and would make my life much easier if I knew for sure, but where would be the fun in that right? The guessing in my future work life continues, stay tuned…

"Please don't let this turn into something it's not, I can only give you everything I've got I can't be as sorry as you think I should. But I still love you more than anyone else could..."

I’ve been feeling really alone lately. This may be because in fact, I have been physically alone a lot lately. I’m currently sitting in the basement of the CBC working the night shift by myself, thinking about things. Thinking is always trouble for me; it causes worrying and other unfortunate conclusions.

I thought that once I got a full time job my life would come together. I would be content, settled or something like that. But in truth I’ve never felt more alone than I have these passed 2 weeks. Having only limited time to make a move to Toronto I’m living with a girl who was a stranger to me beforehand. I had hoped we’d get to know each other and become friends, but it hasn’t really gone that way. I mean she’s nice enough, but she makes me feel like a guest in her apartment rather than her roommate. She won’t let me have any of my stuff out/around to make it feel like my own. Everything of mine is tucked in a cupboard or in a corner, while her things are prominently displayed. If I attempt to move my items, she moves them back. Needless to say I’m feeling less than welcome, and it doesn’t feel like my home.

As for the new job, that’s not too bad. It’s mostly busy work and can be slow at times, but my fellow basement dwelling employees are all many years older (and some more bitter) than I. I’m lacking any allies or new friends that I was hoping to make. Sun TV was full of funny, sarcastic people my age, and I miss it there. I was only there for 3 weeks and if the job had been full time I would have wanted to stay. I worked in a computer lab with two of the biggest Star Trek nerds on this earth, and I miss them.

There are a few remarkable friends that I can always rely on; one in particular has been listening to my concerns a lot lately and I’d have most certainly lost my mind by now without her. But I do feel as though I have few friends to come by as of late. I’m not sure why that is or how it happened. I haven’t heard from one of my best friends in over two weeks, despite my many attempts to contact her. I ache to tell her the misgivings and uncertainties I’m currently feeling in my life, and hear about her own, if only I could get in touch with her… we could use our sarcasm and humour to reassure one another as always. I’ve never lived so far from my closest friends before, and I feel literally out of place with out them. I’ve spent most of my life with strong friendships while boyfriends have come and gone. But now with this feeling of losing some friends as well, I’ve never felt more alone. I’m no different from everyone else in the way that I wish I had some fantastic boyfriend who I could voice my fears to and he reassure me it’ll all work out. I wish I lived in a place that was my home and not someone else’s. I wish I wasn’t always by myself.

“The ride's over. Did you enjoy yourself? The ride's over. Fairing well?! The ride's over. Did you enjoy yourself? The ride's over. Fairing well? Not on my time…”

Friday marked the end of my summer. My four months of CityLine ended. Four months of seeing the same faces, taking part in a live program, and making new friends. Getting up at 6am during summer wasn’t always the most fun, but I really felt at home there. By far the best part about it was the women in the office, especially the floor director extraordinaire, Kathy. Not only did she know every answer to every question I ever had, she was always incredibly sweet and kind, never losing her patience. As I started to look for jobs in my field she reminded me to be confident and told me I had a lot to offer. It was much needed. It was the first time in a while I’d been reminded I actually had things to offer, and it’s not that I thought I was useless by any means, but some times it’s nice to be reminded and to know that someone else thinks so too.

Being at CityLine, and the opportunities that came from it, I began to feel more confident that I belong in television. Walking through the busy atmosphere of the MMVA’s, watching it all take place was an awe-striking experience. But I really knew I was home with television on Thursday night. I was lucky enough to watch the Bravo! Live at the Rehearsal Hall taping of Rufus Wainwright. It was awesome, his voice commands your attention and seems to fill the room with what appears to be minimal effort. Watching the lighting, the director’s instructions in my headset and the extremely talented performance I looked around and felt like I was a tiny part in something much greater than me. But I felt like, if I could even be a tiny part of something like that, I was very lucky. I want to help create television, play a part in making it in any way I can. I’m confident I can grow in this industry and do something meaningful, and I’ve honestly never felt that confident about much of anything before. Maybe it was being part of the live productions this passed year, maybe it was Kathy and the other women in my office who had faith in me when my own faith in myself was faulty, I can’t be sure.

I never ever thought I’d get a job right out of school, when I got the part time job at Sun TV I met some really awesome people who care about their jobs and have a great sense of humour and I felt lucky to find something, even if it was only part time, that I felt I could fit in to. I am a bit sad I didn’t get to stay there longer, let the people I worked with the passed 3 weeks really get to know me, but if I’ve learned anything from people so far it’s that the industry is tiny and I will more than likely cross paths with some of them again, and I sincerely hope I do…as corny as that may sound (and I’m sure it does).

I’m a bit nervous to start my CBC job on Tuesday. Honestly I never thought I’d ever work there. There’s an air of importance around it, and I always considered myself to be more laid back. But things are definitely happening. I got a job right out of school; I still cannot at all believe that. There’s also a possibility I might get to work the Beijing Olympics next summer, I can’t even begin to imagine who amazing that opportunity would be, not to mention the doors it could open while I further my experience in the industry. One thing is for certain, next summer my Uncle is getting married in Greece and I am going to be there. Whether I set off on a plane from Beijing to Greece and be a jet setter, (I currently don’t even have a passport), or coming from home where I’m working hard at CBC or otherwise, I have a lot in the next year to look forward to and I’m so excited.

"When the lights come on this whole place gets ugly. But when they’re out, strangers fall in love. She could never say that flat out she don’t want me. ‘Cause I could never say that halfway ain’t enough..."

Last night I hung out with one of my best ladies, Ms. Dana Williams. She and I had decided earlier in the week that we simply must see the new Judd Apatow flick, Super Bad. I was a bit skeptical to see this movie after watching Knocked Up and not enjoying it all that much. We met up yesterday for a delicious, diet-be-damned meal of burgers and fries before heading out to Ancaster to purchase our tickets. We got to the theatre relatively early and immediately sought out the air hockey table. The rivalry continues. Dana and I have had a long-standing competition of air hockey, which originates a few years back. Normally
Dana pulls out the magic and wins the bragging rights, but last night was my night for victory. I scored the winning point of a tight, tie game! Once I bragged and strutted for a moment we moved onto Bust a Move and a racing game. We stock piled our junk food and filed into the theatre, spending the next 2 hours laughing our asses off at the crude and awesome dialogue and crazy antics of Super Bad. Seriously, go see this movie! Actually, I want to see it again so if you’re looking for someone to go with, ask me! On the way home, after reciting movie lines and laughing at the ridiculous jokes, it occurred to me that Dana and I spent the night doing the activities of 15-year-old boys. We always joke around about our single status’, seriously, what boy wouldn’t want to spend their Saturday night with us?

"Picture yourself sleeping on a plane there's something ticking in the overhead
and inside your brains, there's bodies in the water and bodies in your basement, if heaven's for clean people it's vacant...and hey! are you are you are you are you you know? and hey! are you are you are you are you being careful? and hey! are you are you are you are you luke warm? Hey! ya you are I'm frantic! so load me up whatever puts me all the way out whatever puts me all the way out..."

So I’m having a horrible day, and I thought you would appreciate hearing the events. It started normally, Friday at CityLine when fortune smiled upon me and I was allowed to go home early. I can beat traffic I thought! Wrong. There was an accident and it took me over an hour to get home. Ok not so bad, things happen, I can deal with it. I’m text messaging my good friend Mel to pass the time when I decide to empty my text message box. My phone freezes, I take out the battery and try to turn it back on and it won’t pass the welcome screen. I believe this would be the point when I yelled “fuck!” several times out loud with great emphasis. So I continue to

sit in traffic with my broken cell phone and decide to clean my windows. The wiper fluid comes on but the wipers don’t move. Let me preface this by saying, my car is a 2007 Ford Focus, I took it in 2 weeks prior to fix the wipers because they were sporadically not working. I go to the dealership to pick it up and they still don’t work, they fix them again. So you can imagine how happy I was to discover a mere few weeks later, they no longer work again. I continue to drive in bumper to bumper traffic and wait for the wiper fluid to dry so I can see where I’m going. Once I do, I tried to get in the right lane but couldn’t and let the guy to my right pass, the guy behind him gives me the middle finger and the crazy sign (where someone puts their finger to their temple and makes a circular motion, just in case you aren’t familiar). Why ? Couldn’t tell ya. I take my phone to Telus and ask for help. I think I get some good news; my phone is still covered under warranty. Oh but guess what? That doesn’t matter, my phone has to be shipped out for 2-3 weeks and all my phone info is now lost. Great. If they decide that the phone breaking was my fault, they can give me a cost estimate or I can buy a new phone. So someone PLEASE tell me what this supposed warranty gets me besides f’d in the a. This is all in combination with the fact I have 2 weeks to decide whether to move to Hamilton or Toronto and there are equal pros and cons for both, not to mention the fact I have no where/one to live in Toronto with. I finally got a part time job in my field, which I’m ecstatic about, but it’s being over shadowed by all the stress of trying to figure out living, and money I don’t have. I feel like I’m suffocating under the weight of all the debt I owe. Balllllls!

"I saw you standing in the corner, on the edge of a burning light. I saw you standing in the corner, come to me again in the cold cold night, in the cold cold night..."

As my past few blogs have indicated, I’ve been feeling weighed down by the impending end of my internship with no luck on the job front so far. I’ve been thinking and worrying and applying everyday all day for the last few weeks and I need to relax. I know this, but it’s hard to do. I want to let my hair down, have fun, be spontaneous and remember what summer is supposed to feel like, and if I find a handsome man to do this with, all the better, haha. Seriously though, I’ve always been the worrying type

and I feel like I’ve been carrying a weight around, a weight of uncertainty and fear, I just want to get rid of it. I know the old saying is, you can’t run away from your problems, but can you take a vacation from them? Who wants to go with me?

I have never felt more lost in my life. It’s scary to type those words because it makes me realize how true they are. Everything about my future seems so uncertain and out of my hands, it’s consuming my every thought. I wish someone had told me that four years of university and a year of college plus four months of working for free at an internship would mean absolutely nothing to prospective employers.

August is next week and at the end of the month everything becomes so unclear. I will no longer have my place in Oakville (despite the fact I don’t actually like/know the people I live with, it will still mean the end of not living at home), my internship will be over and I have no plan. I’ve never not had a plan. I have applied for every media job on the job websites and in my office that I can find, have asked almost every person I could think of for help and advice and still I am no closer to an answer.

To make matters worse, my father, whose heart is in the right place keeps asking me questions about what I’m going to do and to have no answer for him. I’m sure it’s as frustrating for him as it is for me. I owe him money, I owe OSAP money, I owe my line of credit, my credit card, the world money but have none to give.

My internship has been great and I’ve been fortunate to do a bunch of things that I wouldn’t have otherwise had the opportunity to take part in and have met some people I truly appreciate, which makes me feel lucky. But my bills keep piling up and I can’t pay them, I thought by the time I turned 24 (which is in a few months) I’d at least have started on my way on a solid career path not considering the possibility of having to surrender myself to yet another no-respect, part time job while I live with my parents to pay off my major debt I’ve collected for school that apparently has not benefited me in the least because I am unemployable. All the while arguing with my parents over things like where we’re going to store my bed and which room to put the treadmill in, because my moving home is an intrusion on my parents lives even though they try to pretend it isn’t. I feel unwanted in their house, as unwanted as I feel by the employers out there. I know my parents will take me back and don’t mean to make me feel this way but I can hardly blame them, I’m 23 and I only just moved out – I shouldn’t be coming back, I’m an adult…apparently.

"I've been thinkin'of a little place down by the lake, they got a dirty old road leading up to the house, I wonder how long it will take till we're alone, sittin on the front porch of that home, stompin' our feet on the wooden boards, never gotta worry 'bout lockin' the door...

Well, it's 1-2-3-4 take the elevator at the Hotel Yorba I'll be glad to see ya later
all they got inside is vacancy..."

I’ve wanted to write something since Saturday night when I saw one of the best concerts to date: the White Stripes. Scoff or insult if you will, (and I’ll still think you’re wrong) Jack and Meg White know how to rock a show. From the deep red back drops and instruments to the two hour pure rock show, it was without a doubt, one of my top 5 concerts all time, possibly number 2 (nothing beats Incubus!) Only Jack White can strut his stuff on stage in red pants while making his guitar skills look effortless. Amazing.

The reason its taken me so long to write anything (I’m sure everyone’s just been dying for something new - haha) is due to my exceedingly heavy workload this week. Having worked the morning after the concert and all day at Bluenotes and carrying into the week back to back CityLine and Bluenotes, I’ve literally been able to catch up on some much needed hours. Work is also preventing me from seeing the new Harry Potter movie, which hurts my heart but I’m hoping to rectify this weekend. I’ve never lived for the weekends as much as I seem to these days. I have this unfortunate feeling that the summer will be here and gone before I even get a chance to enjoy it. Being poor and working 2 jobs (oh the irony!), seems to be preventing me from the drunken all-night swim-all day times passed.

I’d feel all of these things were worth sacrificing however, if I could guarantee an upcoming position of employment. Sadly this is not so. I’m trying to be optimistic and think that before August 31st comes I will be in a better situation, but I find this belief wavering. Since last voicing my fears of never getting a job in my field, working in retail forever and sucking in general, I have made some efforts to prevent such a horrible fate. Resumes and cover letters have been updated and started to go out, now I cross my fingers and pray for a miracle.

“Bones sinking like stones, all that we've fought for, homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for. And we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do, we live in a beautiful world...”

August 31st is coming. Lately I’ve found myself unable to think of anything else but this very day. I’ve always considered myself organized, a planner. I’ve rarely done anything whether it be school, job, etc without knowing my next move. This is why August 31st is causing me so much anxiety; it is the day everything literally changes. It is the last day of my four month internship at CityLine. It is the last day of my lease in my Oakville student house, and may be the end of my living parent free for an indefinite time. Since I will no longer have school in or be living in Oakville, it will also most likely be the end of my part time job at Bluenotes. Let’s review: no job, no internship, no place to live (parent-free). Insert panic here. I have to pack up and move home unless I can find a job in my field by then.

This brings the horrible questions like: what will I do if I don’t find a job in my field right away? Will I have to get yet another part time soul sucking, life hating retail job? How will I be able to move back under the obsessive thumb of my mother after having been free for a year? How will I ever begin to pay off the millions upon millions of dollars in debt that I owe? Annnnd here come the questions. Now you may think this is too early for me to be worrying, after all I still have about two months before this all takes place.


But lately anyone I seem to catch up with, friends, family, fellow employees, hobos on the street (ok maybe I’m exaggerating on that last one) without fail, seem to be asking me the dreaded question: “so do you think they’ll hire you after your internship” and/or “what are you going to do when you finish?” I can honestly say I never thought I’d find a question I hated more than “Are you seeing anybody new?/Do you have a boyfriend?” Which is most unfortunate, but this seems to be the new inescapable question.


For those of you that may not have heard, CityLine is facing a somewhat uncertain future now that Rogers and CTV have purchased Chum and City,the Queen St building is being split apart, which has never happened before. CityTV will be on its way out of the building. Marilyn Denis now works for conflicting companies with her Chum radio station and CityTV based television show. The future of CityLine is in the air and certainly a lot is changing. Eventually when its all said and done I’m sure there will be potential job opportunities at Rogers and CTV, but with all of that not actually taking place for quite some time and no guarantees I’m back to checking the job board praying for a miracle. Who wants to pray for me?

"Fergalicious (so delicious)but I ain't promiscuous and if you are suspicious all that shit is fictitious, I blow kisses, that puts them boys on rock, rock and they be lining down the block just to watch what I got. So delicious (It's hot, hot), so delicious (I put them boys on rock, rock), so delicious (they wanna slice of what I got), I'm fergalicious (t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty)"
--Normally I'd never choose lyrics even close to this but this is literally the song I heard everywhere and anywhere I was, all weekend --


As many of you may know (because I’ve been telling anyone who will listen, haha), this year I had the opportunity to be part of the 2007 Much Music Video Awards (aka the MMVA’s). I volunteered as a wrangler, which means you’re responsible for whatever person they assign you to. You have to make sure they are at the right location at the right time, for presenting, accepting awards, people performing, etc etc. Saturday I showed up in the afternoon for rehearsal and a bunch of us were in the “pool.” Basically we had no people to wrangle, so we had to wear the headsets and walk the grounds doing what we wanted until they called and said we were needed. We also had the coveted purple wristbands that provided us all access to the building, so nothing to do except whatever I wanted, I was pretty happy. Later in the evening they needed a wrangler for a stand in spot, I volunteered. The Much VJ Leah Miller and Chris Bosh of the Raptors were set to announce the winner of the Much Vibe Best Rap Video. The presenters didn’t need to come to rehearsals so I stood in next to Leah as Chris Bosh, lol. Leah spent the waiting time texting and I noticed her phone screen had Dallas Green’s face as her wallpaper. The fact that they’re together hurts my heart. He’s so talented and awesome and I’m jealous I admit it. He stuck around after the band left Saturday night to stay with her and cute things like that.
Aside from that, I spent the day back and forth between the different stages when different bands were rehearsing. I was kicking myself on Saturday because I forgot my damn camera, but luckily they did it all again on Sunday during the day, so I got to take some amazing pictures  I also met some other wranglers closer to my age who work in the building. Some of them were former interns and were really nice. I really love working in the Chum building as it is, but getting to spend it seeing cool bands, celebrities and hanging with some cool people while being considered a form of “work” is crazy. It really solidified for me that this is the industry I want to work in. Also on Saturday while I was watching Alexisonfire, they sang Boiled Frogs (even though they technically weren’t supposed to) it was excellent.

On Sunday I arrived at noon to wrangle Kevin DeFreitas the winning director of Best Pop Video. I stood in for his award and walked the stage ramp, which was pretty cool. Then I walked around watching more rehearsals. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see Finger Eleven’s rehearsal because they were on the roof, but Saturday night while they rehearsed they put it up on the big stage screens and we got to watch that way. They were amazing and the roof set up was so well done. That night everyone fancied up and waited for the people they were wrangling to show up. While we waited a bunch of celebrities walked by us, but unfortunately they were so close to us that I couldn’t take pictures without it looking intrusive and awkward. I saw:

Emilie DeRavin (from Lost) – she cut her hair off, still gorgeous!
Amber Tambilyn
Sum 41
Kenny and Spenny – Kenny looked kinda old
George (some R&B guy)
Joss Stone
Kardinal Offishall (Canadian rapper)
Genie Backer (from Fashion Television and Canada’s Next Top Model, she looked under fed and doped up)

Later in the evening we walked the parties in the building. I passed Jay Manuel and Nole Marin from the Top Model shows on the stairs and Nickelback passed us on their way out to the stage. At the second floor party we saw Ben Mulroney, and George Stroumboulopoulos. One of my TVA friends I’ve made, Christina has worked for the CBC and knows George rather well, so she helped me “friendly stalk” (as I like to call it), him down and get my picture taken. He was as nice as he always is. He’s like “Hi I’m George” like I didn’t know! Christina took our picture and he said it was a pleasure meeting me, and then in my ear said “Thanks for being so sweet to me.” Now I realize that he is by nature nice to everyone and has a certain image to uphold, but that aside, I was a happy happy girl.

The food was hilarious and unclassy but good. They served what I believe people secretly want to eat anyway: mini grilled cheese, mini hamburgers, mini poutine complete with mini container, soft serve ice cream, and mini chicken skewers. They served a drink called the Smashed up Guitar which was vodka, peach and lemon juice, I’m not sure what else. So good!

There were a few high maintenance stars as well. The Used was the worst, I felt sorry for their wrangler. Saturday we weren’t licensed for alcohol so they left before their rehearsal and went down to the Firkin Pub while they were supposed to be on stage. Sunday they wanted beer when we weren’t licensed until the evening, they wanted a single apple for my guess, a bong and then Bert wanted a mustache trimmer to shave before the show. Wouldn’t you have a razor or whatever of your own? I don’t know, then they brought some weird guys with huge costume heads and no one could find where they went, etc. I just felt they had a lot of antics. Maroon 5 also had a bit of diva behaviour. Someone changed the line that Leah was going to say while chatting with Maroon 5 and they demanded it be changed or else they refused to take part in it. Adam Levine the lead singer also said it couldn’t be a line about women or fashion. I guess he wanted to be taken seriously as an artist? Buuuut he’s in Maroon 5, that’s all I’m saying.

Well I think those are the highlights, I really had the best time and I hope like crazy I get the chance to work within the Chum building after my internship ends. People keep your fingers crossed for me!

"There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever not for better, some have gone and some remain. All these places had their moments, with lovers and friends, I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living, in my life I've loved them all..."

It’s becomes a busy summer, which has meant less time for blogging. However, fortunate to have today off I thought it was time to get back to it. Working two jobs makes for a busy summer, but I’m still having a really good time. CityLine is going really well, and I really like the people there, like any job there are a few intimidating people, but that’s to be expected.

Bluenotes however, is starting to make me angry (aside from the fact that most retail jobs are a pain in the ass). We recently moved to a store about three times the size of our original. Not only that, but the store now looks exactly like a mock up of American Eagle just not as expensive. With a bigger store, comes a new manager because apparently the one we have does not have enough experience to run this one. I’m not sure if I quite buy this reasoning but I digress. It hasn’t even been a week since she took over and it’s already frustrating. Now I admit, I’ve had a confusing schedule. I booked off yesterday to attend a wedding of a good friend and I booked next weekend off to work the Much Music Video Awards. I mean, come on! That’s a once in a life time opportunity and with the ownership of CityTV up in the air like it is, the Awards (if still existent) could be very different come next year. The point is, I booked it off in the book, told her I booked it off and she still scheduled me for every one of those days. Also, now that our store is larger everyone’s got that crazy mentality of the iron fist, all work and no play while working that I became acquainted with from my days at Canadian Tire. Not that I obeyed it then, as Dana, Amanda and Brent well know and luckily I’ll only need this job for another 2 ½ months tops, so it’ll be interesting to see how that all goes.


I had a really great time this weekend. Usually I’m not the type to go on about how fantastic certain days/weeks are, but I was pleasantly surprised by this one, which is what I think made it so good. Friday night I dragged Amanda to Slainte which isn’t her first choice of places to attend, but I appreciated. Dana joined us as well for some drinks and some girl talk. Chris Chambers was playing with the band, Matt Danko working behind the bar. Lots of good friends. Saturday was really great. I had dinner/drinks with Brent who I hadn’t seen in a long time. You never know how it’ll be when you see someone and it’s been a while, but I really had a lot of fun (no one tell him that, lol). That night Steph, Morgan and I celebrated the monumental tradition of June 9th. We had drinks and good conversation in Morgan’s big back yard. With 2 jobs and not living in Hamilton I hadn’t seen them as recently as I would have liked, and I was really glad we had such a classic reason to get together and make the most of it.

Last night, with Dana as my date I went to my first Jewish wedding of a good friend of mine. It was a beautiful ceremony, the bride looked amazing and they both looked so happy. Normally I would peg myself as too cynical to think that two people ‘belonged together’ but I feel fairly confident in saying that they do. He even wowed the guests by showing off his guitar skills on stage with the band, and for a relatively shy person like he is, it was really cute. Dana and I were fairly convinced we were the only two single people there, and I had an odd encounter with a lady in the bathroom telling me of her boyfriend troubles. But that aside we drank, celebrated and danced.I can’t wait to take them out post honeymoon for some drinks and get to know this bride better, lol.

Back to work tomorrow, but I think this weekend has put me in a great mood to battle out the rest of the week. Next weekend I work all weekend at the MMVA’s but I think it’ll be exciting, here’s hoping!

"You’ll be loved, you’ll be loved. Like you never have known. And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. Just a series of blurs like I never occurred. Someday you will be loved."

So week 2 of my internship at CityLine is underway, and it’s been going pretty well so far. I feel like I’ve been very fortunate to work alongside people who are genuinely nice and considerate. They don’t treat me like the crappy unpaid intern I am, which is nice because you never know what professionals in the industry are going to be like. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel working for free, if I’d dread everyday or what, but even though I’m doing the bitch work I love just being in the atmosphere and watching a live show come together daily. We also had Michael Buble on today, which normally I’m not a huge fan of but it was pretty exciting.

But the stress of not having any money is killing me, I only work at few hours a week at my part time job because the company are a bunch of cheap bastards who don’t believe in giving their employees more than 5 hours, and having to work with a 6’2’ psycho hose beast assistant manager. While being poor is definitely balls I think this is going to be a good summer. Dana’s back, Danko and I are going to see Incubus and Julia, my sister and others are making our annual trip to Ottawa for white water rafting. Also the best and most classic part of the summer, the August long weekend camping trip at Oro, so shanty but so classic and fun.

On the romantic side of things, it doesn’t appear this is going to be a summer for romance and me, which sucks but it’s not the end of the world…although sometimes it certainly feels that way. I keep waiting to meet someone new, I’ve been out of my last relationship for a very long time now and even though I didn’t think it would happen right away I thought that by now I would have moved on with someone else. It’s not a matter of lingering hopes or anything like that, the past is past and I’m completely aware of it, but still I sometimes miss that feeling of knowing that someone exists who thinks you’re worthwhile and as cliché and corny as it sounds, dying to talk to and see you. Perhaps what I’m describing doesn’t even exist anymore, I can’t even be sure but, if it does in any form, I guess I’ll keep waiting.

"Oh I, I don't know why, I really hope you go and die so I can live here without you..."

About a month ago I had my room in Oakville posted for rent on the Places for Students website. I immediately had a response from someone named Andrea, and she came with her parents to have a look at the place. She e-mailed me later that night and told me she wanted my room for May.

I was happy and a bit skeptical, as it all seemed too easy. I was right. In the coming weeks I attempted to get Andrea to come to the house and sign the lease, so that I could start finding a place in Toronto for myself. I explained this to her in several e-mails and messages on her cell phone. I finally got a hold of her after about a week and she assured me she still wanted the room. I was relieved, and started to make the arrangements with my landlord. We then, both continued to contact her in hopes of having her commit to the lease. She then e-mailed me and told me she now required two rooms (for some unknown reason) and when we told her we could accommodate that request, we never heard from her again.

Flash forward to this morning when I am awoken my a text message from Andrea on my cell phone (actual spelling):

“Hey I jus got my phone back which is y I didn’t call u im really sorry….im not sure if ur still there…i ended up taking daniells room.again im really sorry n I hope there’s no hard feelings as I will b moving in today.”

You may be asking yourself why I’d care about the fact she is now moving somewhere else? Despite not having her cell phone she still had my e-mail address and my phone number within that e-mail so she could have realistically contacted me at any time, but that’s not even the best part. The best part is, Danielle is MY roommate who lives upstairs. So not only did I NOT sell MY room, I did all the work showing her the house and tracking her down and now Danielle gets to move out and I have to spend my summer LIVING with Andrea.

"But I will see you again, I will see you again, a long time from now…"

Do you ever have one of those nights, when you’re driving and just the right song comes on? I had a night like that recently. On a dark and rainy night driving back to Oakville the shuffle of my car stereo chose City and Colour’s, Hello I’m in Delaware. Driving along alone, I couldn’t help but feel the song matched my mood perfectly. Thoughtful, nostalgic, thinking of people I’ve lost. People far away, people I know won’t be coming back. I’ve never been a big believer in the “its better to have loved and lost…” cliché, but I found myself wondering if it were true. After much debate I’m still undecided.


Perhaps this nostalgia comes because I know my life is about to drastically change. In two weeks I will no longer be a student, I will be thrust out into the working world to fend for myself. Obviously I’ve been a student in some form for as long as I can remember. But I’ve also been thinking about the people in my class. We’ve experienced and accomplished great feats and great lessons this year, it will be hard to think of a time when I won’t see them everyday. I wonder if any of these people will stay in my life, and hope that some will.

It just seems that as I transition through certain phases of my life certain people come and go; some go when I wish they wouldn’t. I’ve been fortunate to have a select few, key and quality people remain with me through what can be difficult times, something of which I will always be truly thankful. It is a difficult thing to determine: who will stay with you, and who will go. Some claim their long lasting loyalty and presence in terms like ‘always’ and ‘forever,’ yet I already find myself forgetting them. It’s a shame how people can disappoint at times, that no matter how much you wish that they wouldn’t do exactly what you suspect. But somehow you know they will.

So there goes my life
Passing by with every exit sign
And it's been so long, sometimes I wonder, how I will stay strong
No sleep tonight
I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades, one more night gone, only twenty more days

But I will see you again,
I will see you again,
A long time from now

There goes my life
Passing by with every departing flight
And it's been so hard, so much time, so far apart
As she walks the night, how many hearts will die tonight?
Will things have changed?
I guess I'll find out in seventeen days

But I will see you again,
I will see you again
A long time from now

My body aches, and it hurts to sing, and no one is moving
And I wish that I weren't here tonight, but this is my life

But I will see you again
I will see you again
A long time from now

But I will see you again
I will see you again
A long time from now

Go see Blades of Glory immediately. Now! Get going! I had the extreme pleasure of seeing the new Will Ferrell/ John Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) comedy about two figure skaters who become the first two same sex partners in the pair’s competition.

Ferrell’s character, Chazz Michael Michaels is a self proclaimed lone wolf whose success rides on his crazy tactics and party lifestyle. Heder’s character, Jimmy MacElroy is born and bred, squeaky clean, naïve and wholesome. The two men are polar opposites and fierce competitors. When they tie for the gold medal and refuse to share it. Their physical altercation in front of the world gets them banned from men’s figure skating for life.

When a loop hole is found in the skating regulations, the two opposites attempt to become partners against the brother and sister skating combo, Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg played by real-life husband and wife, Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. The Fairchild’s set out to cheat their way to the gold and break up the newly established bond between Ferrell and Heder.


It’s interesting that I am able to discuss the plot of this movie without much absurdity, which I assure you the movie s ripe with, but that’s what makes this movie great. It is another ridiculously hilarious comic classic that Will Ferrell and now John Heder are becoming known for. Dirty jokes, comments that don’t make sense, scenes and outfits so absurd that you lose yourself in the humour and just enjoy it. That’s what makes these movies great. Any school, work, money or life stress, they help you find a way to laugh anyway.

“All you need is love, is a lie cause we had love but we still said goodbye, now we're tired, battered fighters. And it stings when it's nobody's fault cause there's nothin' to blame at the drop of your name ,it's only the air you took and the breath you left”

Misery doesn’t always love company, and tonight since I am feeling extra miserable I decided to write this blog from my basement hovel and tell you yet again of the tales of my unfortunate luck.

Last Monday I traveled with my classmate Matt to Toronto to shoot an interview for our Current Affairs project. All was well until we headed for home, and my muffler started to make a horribly loud and scary noise. We thought we might die as we headed for home but were fortunate to arrive unharmed. Not to worry I thought, I get my awesome new car this week and I’ll never have to worry about things like this again. Wrong. So very wrong.

I have this strange belief that luck and misfortune continuously balance themselves out for me, some people get lots of luck and some people have loads of bad luck, but me, one good thing one bad thing or vice versa usually seems to be the case. Therefore making it only possible a majority of the time to remember the bad things because they overshadow the good, which brings me back to the new car. Tuesday evening I picked up my dark red 2007 Ford Focus from the dealership with that ‘too good to be true’ feeling. Sure it’s going to cost me and puts me even deeper into the bowels of debt hell where I already reside, but to be free of future car trouble for the next little while would be worth it, foolish me. Today I started the car and was driving when I noticed that the speedometer wasn’t moving and the engine light along with many others were on. Please note this was only the fourth time I had been in the car and it has been less than a week since I picked it up from the lot. Please tell me why a brand new car’s engine light comes on in the first week?

I’m feeling frustrated, like a lot of things are beyond my control right now. I’m trying to sell my room in Oakville but people who show interest in it seem to keep flaking out, and I still don’t have a place in Toronto to move to, and I can’t move at all unless someone takes the room I have now. All I can do is wait and all I want to do is plan to move forward. I don’t need to be in Oakville after April and Toronto is the most logical city for my hopeful future profession. Frustration and uncertainty, it’s all I got tonight.

“Don't ever stand aside, don't ever be denied. You wanna be who you'd be, if you're coming with me”

Recently after some stressful interviews and harassing e-mails, I was offered an internship at CityLine. CityLine was my first choice of those that I had applied for and I was (and still remain) a) shocked that I got it and b) happy as hell to be given the chance. I feel I have (or at least I hope I have) come along way since those shitty days I spent at Canadian Tire wondering when my life was going to begin. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that this is merely an internship and no guarantee of an actual paying job. However, it is experience and I’m in dire need of that.

But along with all this happiness comes many questions: Do I live here or in Toronto? If I move to Toronto am I able to sublet my lease, which I have until August? If I stay here do I commute by GO or car? If I move to Toronto where and who would I live with and can I afford it? Also if I were to move to Toronto I would need a new part time job.

It’s hard knowing what you’d like to see happen but facing uncertainty that it may not come to fruition. Unfortunately I tend to worry too much, but no matter how much I may stress in the weeks to come it’ll all be worth it because I have an awesome placement! ☺

“So let go, jump in, oh well whatcha waiting for? It's alright, cuz there's beauty in the breakdown.”

I often forget why I love certain movies as much as I do, until of course I watch them. Today’s example would be Garden State. Not only is this movie brilliantly written and directed by its star, Zach Braff, but the soundtrack is outstanding as well. Now normally I pay little to no attention to movie soundtracks, so the fact I am an advocate for this particular ones, I assure you, means something. I’ve
recently discovered that Zach Braff won an award for compilation for the movie’s soundtrack, whether you take that as a reason to listen or a reason to chastise it, the choice is yours. This movie introduced me to the music of the Shins and Frou Frou’s song, Let Go which plays at the end.

I’ve been thinking about why I love this movie so much, and I think it breaks down to this: the characters are messed up people struggling to understand and cope with their lives. Now I realize that is the premise for most movies, but this movie doesn’t seek to change them or correct their mistakes in some crazy epiphany, what’s great about that is, that’s real life. No one has a montage or musical epiphany or has some wise person who swoops in and tell us how to properly live our lives. Only we have control and are responsible for our mistakes, and that’s the truth of Garden
State. These characters are trying to find their direction and an idea of Home. They are grave diggers who live with their parents or millionaires with money but nothing to do, they are two people who meet and start to fall in love but realize how little they know about each other or life. It’s about fucked up families (and we all have one of those, I know I do) and the distance that fills those families. It’s about people who lie, reuniting with old friends, making new ones and the crappy misfortunes of life. It’s about the possibility of healing with help from your friends, and moving forward.

“Sidecars are for bitches.”

"I live my life for the stars that shine, people say it's just a waste of time, when they said I should feed my head, that to me was just a day in bed. I'll take my car and I drive real far, to where they're not concerned about the way we are in my mind my dreams are real. Are you concerned about the way I feel?"

Try as I might I cannot seem to comprehend what has become of the world of ‘celebrity’ at the present time. I realize this is a
loaded subject, which can face ridicule from many sides, these are merely my thoughts on the matter. I’ve never been a big fan of the tactics of celebrities, their many marriages and affairs, but now it just seems to be getting literally crazy to a ridiculous degree. While celebrities have always been prone to problems by blame of the media, it just seems to be grand scale out of control. Take for instance some of the recent mind boggling choices of those facing the ‘burden of success.’

1. Paula Abdul: Now I can give respect where respect is due in saying that after her mediocre career burnt out as well as her marriage to fellow washed up celeb, Emilio Estevez, Paula was able to make a (at least financially) come back with the success of American Idol. This woman should count her blessings and stop making television appearances, while severely inebriated. Now one little interview where they claim she was ‘tired’ (I’ve never been so tired, I slurred my words but I digress) is one thing. But even as I watched it tonight (which I’m ashamed to say I did), the look in her eyes and the incoherent nature of her sentences (or broken sentences at that) begs the question. How she can still be allowed to keep her job where she is literally on the most watched show in the world?

2. Anna Nicole Smith: A woman who rode her minimal success as a model to becoming basically a rich whore, who had a son die of a methodone overdose, and a daughter only months old with about 8 prospective fathers. She is now dead as well, presumably from drugs. Seeing her on television interviews always freaked me out, she looked literally made of plastic and with the most vacant expression, like her mind wasn’t even there. How can someone like that be allowed to care for two children and what kind of crazy life will her daughter have while men vie for spots in her life to use and mistreat her for the monetary value they see her as being worth? It makes me sick that because of her mother’s bad choices she will have to live like that.

3. Britney Spears: An expectant target on the list I’m sure. Another example of a once on top celebrity with a floundering career whose recent list of outlandish tactics include: having the press photograph a full on shot of her vagina, partying with other rehab bound celebrities such as Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton (don’t even get me started on those two, but at least they don’t have kids) and most recently the shaving of her head as an apparent way to prevent people from ‘touching her,’ one day of rehab and getting two more tattoos. I never thought that Kevin Federline could appear as a competent or fit parent, to anyone.

What happened to the days of grace and poise? Sure Marilyn Monroe was a bit of a whore in her own day, but at least she kept her undergarments on when her skirt flew up.

"People spend so much time, every single day runnin' 'round all over town givin' their forever away, but no not me. I won't let my forever roam and now I hope I can find my forever a home so give me your forever, please your forever, not a day less will do from you"

So tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, for some reason it is the one, holiday (for lack of a better word) that I as a single person, do not think too much about. But for some reason this year, I have. Here’s my problem with the whole concept. In a society of Lavalife and Myspace relationships it seems prevelant now more than ever that society dictates you’re life is incomplete unless you’re in a relationship. For all of those people out there that are in happy and healthy relationships you have my respect and credit for achieving what is proving to be an increasingly difficult feat for myself.

However, if society is telling us we need to be in relationships to be happy, then wouldn’t the reward be that you have found said person? What is it about having a relationship that translates into deserving an entire day in its honour? I realize I’m bias, but I feel like perhaps the singles out there deserve a day in their honour because they’re still looking, aren’t dating someone they know is wrong for them, are refusing to settle etc.

I know myself and I don’t seek to suggest that at certain points I’m not saddened by that fact that I am alone. In fact lately I’ve begun to consider just dedicating my life to my work as opposed to attempting to find a successful relationship, and use my sexual frustration into a successful career, haha. However a majority of the time I am content to be on my own, an opinion shared by many. Now perhaps someone could argue that we are fooling ourselves into believing being alone is what we want, but I would pose that argument back to some of the couples I’ve seen who I often wonder why they are together and question if it is merely due to convenience.

Perhaps there’s no real answer to come in questioning the logic (if there is in fact any) behind the concept of Valentine’s Day, but perhaps I will spend Valentine’s Day with some people I love (as corny as it may sound), my friends. Maybe that’s what Valentine’s Day will be about for me.

"So won't you: please please me like you want to, not not like you have to. Oh won't you just go on and leave me, you know leaving me is the least that you could do..."

I’m finding myself very disheartened about this week and its only Monday. I feel like I’ve been trying my damndest with school but that it’s getting me nowhere. Originally when I applied for my program, the appeal of the six-week end of term placement appealed to me greatly. The appeal being the obvious reasons of job experience and the possibility of being hired on, but most importantly being assisted in my pursuit to get my foot in the door (as they say). However, I feel thus far I’ve been let down greatly. The teacher leading our class titled “career management” which I feel is an alias for waste of time, has told us to create a resume and cover letter and start applying. Please tell me what about this I had not realized before she said it? Feeling on our own, my classmates and I have bee applying but I have not met any luck so far.


I also traveled to the CBC again today to meet with Kenton, my widely despised Current Affairs teacher who can’t get away from his busy schedule to teach the class in which he is a) being PAYED to teach while b) being in the building that pays him. He accused my fellow classmate and I of leaving our research to the last minute and having “a lot to do” which I didn’t feel was true of either of us. But this would have been nice to know a month ago if he’d held any actually classes between now and then. Insert image of me smacking my head against a brick wall here.

I’m worried, worried that I will have graduated both university and college with no job prospects, tons of debt and disappoint my family, my father specifically. I feel like I’ve worked hard towards a career that I know with certainty is what I want to do but fear I will never get the opportunity.

Leave the Hitler’s Alone

I have always considered George Stroumboulopoulos and by association, his program the Hour, to be a news program that acts under the Watchdog model of media. Stroumboulopoulos guides his hourly program in such a way that expresses his own opinions within the reporting of the current news. It is George’s clever criticisms and segments dedicated to exposing these ‘"truths" about the world that serve as an outlet for this media watchdog specifically in “Disinformation – 50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know.”



The issue of Hitler is one that is timeless in both relevance and interest. The effect of Hitler’s reign was grand scale and consequently transcends to audiences on a mass scale. To hear any “news” on him, decades after the terror he imposed would perk the ears and eyes or almost any audience. When I first heard that Hitler’s blood relatives were still alive I was intrigued by this story.

However, after hearing it my opinion changed drastically. I have enclosed a transcript of the video that played under the Disinformation segment of 50 things You’re Not Supposed to Know, that the Hour feels it is our right to know. While I appreciate the fact that a news program strives to drag our highly censored minds into the proverbial light, I actually felt this story was one better left in the dark. I never thought I would take the stance of defender against anyone with association to Hitler. But as the report dictated, the four remaining men (only three of which are alive now) made a pact not to subject any future offspring to the burdens of bearing relation to such a monster. I feel such a drastic life choice is indicative of their own struggles growing up in the shadow of what their predecessor had done. Despite their somewhat distant blood relationship to the fascist dictator, what business is it of us as audiences and readers, to know where they are living and working?
How could this information possibly benefit us when it would clearly only draw further criticism than already endured to the remaining members? It is my belief that by continuing to discuss and immortalize Hitler even now, we are continuing to pay homage to his will. We are giving him exactly what he wanted, to be immortalized long after his time and at the expense of four boys (three remaining) who had the misfortune of being born into the wrong bloodline. The Hour indirectly trivializes the lives of these men, accounting for only three of the four brothers, but identifying the state and occupation of the two they were able to discover.

While old footage of their distant relative’s evil reign fill the background and remind us of the darkness he caused, a sole reporter sits at a table and tells the story of the Hitler family bloodline. Their lives are being accredited to a few simple sentences, most of which identifying them and making them vulnerable, labeling them only as Hitler’s bloodline and a slight mention of a brotherly pact. I feel the impact and the sacrifice that went into the creation of the pact speaks volumes regarding their character and their sense of self-loathing of the family they were born into. They have collected decided to end the Hitler bloodline forever.

We all know for better or worse we cannot choose our families. If we found out in 20 years that Robert Pickton had blood relatives living somewhere in America would that be any more or less relevant? I realize the impact of these men situations is incomparable, but the point remains the same. Why are we so eager to seek out these people who are not accountable for what preceded their family’s history? While I am uncertain this report will hold a negative impact, the odds are in favour of that. The story has been viewed over 1,000 times from the website alone. These men know where they come from; do we need to remind them? If the victims have suffered enough, when is it enough for those victimized in a different way by the same animal?

Disinformation Segment – 50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know

Did you know that Hitler’s blood relatives are alive and well in New York State?
Hitler never had any kids so we tend to take for granted that anyone related to him is still alive, Adolf had an older half brother who had a son, Pat Hitler who moved to Germany as a young man to take advantage of his Uncle’s rising political stature. Pat grew tired of being overlook by his uncle who was only giving him minor jobs. So Pat moved to America and in the height of World War II as the war raged on, Pat joined up with the U.S. Navy, in order to fight against his uncle Adolf. Afterwards he changed his name to blend in with the rest of society. That is until a reporter named David Garner was given the task to find him and interview him and after several years it was no easy task to find him, Garner found out he was living in a small town in the State of New York. Showing up unannounced on his doorstep, Garner learned that Pat had died in 1987. His widow Phyllis confided that it was indeed Pat Hitler and also let it be known that they had four sons. She then quickly clamed up and asked them to leave. After much legwork, Garner found the four sons named, Alexander, Brian, Howard, and Lewis. Howard, a fraud investigator for the IRS died in a car crash when he was 32 in 1989. Brian and Lewis continue to this day to operate a landscaping business in the small community of Long Island. I was told Phyllis old Garner that the four brothers made a pact to never have children so they would be spare them the burden of being related to a monster. Adolf Hitler’s blood relatives are alive and well in New York State.

Link to the video on the Hour website: http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/video.php?id=1326

"Somewhere there's a box full of replacement parts to all the tenderness we've broken or let rust away. Somewhere sympathy is more than just a way of leaving. Somewhere someone says 'I'm sorry.' Someone's making plans to stay."



We’ve had two runs of the news show now, and my fears about screwing up came true, but did not matter as much as I thought. Apparently we have been credited as being the first class in many years to actually go to air on time. That is not to say that things went perfectly after that, you could say that in fact, the opposite took place but we’re still learning. The hardest part, I’ve found is to anticipate disaster, the things that can go wrong will, along with 5 other things that had never even crossed your mind.

Being a PA is a crazy, stressful job, but crazy in that fun way. That race to the 5pm clock to have everything done, to know everything that people ask you and be everywhere your producer needs you, and that your contribution is crucial, is fun for me. I love that kind of high stress energy where you’re working your ass off but you love it at the same time. Even on the switchboard, you’re a necessary part of something greater than you, and that feeling that people are depending on you to change things at the command of the director and with no screw ups (which hasn’t happened yet, but I’m going to get there!) is imperative. Especially considering the director on my shift is someone incredibly smart and whom I respect and I want to do the best I can to help his show run smoothly.

The 5 o clock Thursday craze aside, us Journalism New Media students are attempting to decide out placements and indirectly (or directly, depending on the position) plan our futures. It’s an intimidating thought, one I’ve been putting off for many years, but I suppose one I can no longer hide from. I, like all of my classmates I’m sure, want my placement to lead me into a job so I can start making money, get myself out of debt and start planning my life. My aims are for CTV, Global or City TV but who knows what will happen, it’s still too early to tell.

On a more relaxed note, there are some upcoming events that I’m crazy excited for. The highly anticipated, long awaited Incubus concert is less than two weeks away, on February 4th. It’s been around 2 years since I saw them at the ACC with Dana and this time, the lovely Matt Danko will be accompanying me. Speaking of Dana, she is still in Vancouver and I’ve been trying my best to get her home. Hopefully, I will have more luck with this when I visit her for reading week. Much to the dismay of my Visa and my parents, my flight is booked and I’m going to spend 6 days with Dana, I’m really looking forward to it, not only for the chance to travel, (which I’ve always wanted to do and seldom have), but also to see the friend I’ve missed so much since she left in May.