"I get so distracted by some peoples reactions, that I don't see my own faults for what they are...for what they are. At times so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lays a sensible heart…a sensible heart..."

This week has been quite interesting, and it’s only Wednesday. Yesterday, as sometimes fortune would have it, one of the morning GO trains on my route was cancelled. Of course this means twice as many people on my regular route. Standing on a 45 minute train ride crammed up against a bunch of strangers is not the best start to the day, but it happens. However, when our train trudged on to Bronte and more people tried to file in, a gentleman (and I use that term loosely) was standing at the door with a few lingering others, obviously trying to make his way on. To this end, he started yelling things like ‘move people, come on’ etc. Nothing beats getting yelled at before you even get to work! But what killed me about this guy was when he said ‘come on people, don’t be like cattle and just stand there, MOVE!’ Ironic that he compare us to cattle, but then try to get us to move at his will…well just like cattle you could say, no? While the morning started out more balls than I would have liked, the remainder (post-work of course) ended up being pretty great. I was fortunate enough to see Dallas Green perform a few songs from his album live, which was fantastic! Afterwards I met up with the lovely Dana Williams for dinner and we had some trouble and hilarity making it through the snow.

Today was another crazy series of events. My little Ford Focus, Duncan got stuck at the end of my driveway. Again. Luckily, I was able to dig myself out, and being the dutiful friend I am, picked up Dana to accompany me to the GO station, so we could both make it to work on time…which did not happen. We missed the train, and were stopped mid-way to Toronto ‘waiting for trains to pass’ and were 25 minutes late getting into Toronto, making me an hour late for work…but what can you do, and without these things, what would I have to go on about? : )

I got another e-mail about China this morning; I’m getting really confused with the way they do things over there. I signed and mailed back my contract for the summer, and they’ve sent me another one that (from what I can see) says the same thing as the first. But my accreditation and all that jazz have all been sent in and taken care of, so I’m slowly getting closer to making this thing a reality…even though I’m still having an impossible time trying to believe it.

City and Colour’s new album, Bring Me Your Love came out yesterday and it’s awesome. Give it a listen kids.

"My biggest fear will be the rescue of me, strange how it turns out that way. Could you show me dear, something I've not seen, something infinitely interesting..."

This weekend I met with my Uncle to discuss China and beyond. To say this coming summer will be a change is a drastic understatement. After Beijing, my Uncle is getting married in Greece and I will be going from working the OLYMPICS to GREECE. I just can’t imagine it. As it gets talked about more and small details start to be decided, the reality of the situation, that I’ll actually be doing these things we keep talking about, is escaping me. I’ve only ever been to Vancouver, Florida and New York. Definitely not international traveling by any means.

My Uncle asked me if I’d like to stay with them in Beijing until they fly to Greece for their wedding or since I’ll have the time, go over early without them and travel some of the islands. Crazy. Obviously I want to see and experience as much as possible, but to do so much traveling on my own is scary and somewhat daunting. I wouldn’t consider myself very direction savvy in any country, nevermind one where I don’t speak the first language. I’m definitely being thrust out of my element here.

Part of me is scared, and wondering if I’ll be able to do it without causing myself the world’s largest anxiety attack. But the other part wonders in a way, if this was what I’ve been supposed to do all along. Be put in a situation where I have to face change (I mean, after all, how long have I been complaining that I’m ready for change) and experience things that will no doubt change myself as well. I do wish I had at least one other person taking this ride literally around the world, with me, but maybe it’s for the better that no one is. Maybe I will grow more confident, stop apologizing for myself, be who I am more than I’ve ever been before, and not be so concerned with others opinions. But then again, maybe I’m romanticizing the situation and will come back basically the same, who can say.

Another thing that my Uncle suggested, (time allotting) is to consider traveling to areas the Easy Jet (some excellent form of cheap European travel apparently) to places like Italy, London, etc. Suddenly I’ve been granted a lot of travel options, and I have no idea where to go or what to do. I’ve always wanted to go to Ireland, is this the time to be going? I know a vacation will be welcomed after working intensely for a month of long/hot days during the Olympic games….but where should I go? I welcome any suggestions for locations and/or traveling tips, especially to those who have traveled alone. I’m having a really hard time believing this is my life...wow.

"See the world in green and blue, see China right in front of you, see the canyons broken by cloud, see the tuna fleets clearing the sea out, see the Bedouin fires at night, see the oil fields at first light and see the bird with a leaf in her mouth, after the flood all the colors came out...It was a beautiful day..."


So 2007 has come and gone…and I don’t think I’ll miss it. It wasn’t that it was particularly horrible, for the most part I have only good things to say, but there’s something about the allure of a new year and a blank slate of possibilities that’s so appealing. I don’t make resolutions, no one ever sticks to them but I do have a few things in mind I’d like to accomplish this year. At the top of my list, working hard and proving my worth in Beijing this summer, I want to impress the crap out of people so they want to hire me (and perhaps even get to do some more traveling!)

Work stuff aside though, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to friends lately. I don’t know, I just feel like I met some great people this year, or even in years passed and for whatever reason never took the time to know them all that well, and that’s something I’d like to change. I think I’ve been wasting too much time worrying about negative things, like relationships/dating etc. and not enough time having fun. I rang in the New Year with some fabulous people, some I knew before and some I didn’t and I just had a great time for the first time in a while. I hope that party will serve as a prequel to the excellent company I hope to keep for the coming year.

But one thing I really want to make certain I do this year is to see Conan! After being flouted the first time by the writer’s strike, my resolve has only strengthened to get in that audience and see him live. The problem with this being, I have no idea who (if anyone) will want to come to New York with me. I’m thinking a shorter trip this time, maybe only a few days, but I just have to see him! Whether I make it to New York or not, traveling is inevitable for me this year and I am so excited. I’m slowly (verrry slowly) starting to get information about Beijing and afterwards Greece for my Uncle’s wedding. I never really thought I’d get to see either of these places, and I can’t wait! Also, please note that my Uncle has given me permission for guests in China, so if there’s anyone with a desire to visit, let me know now and start saving your pennies!

"Today, everything was fine. Until roundabout, quarter to nine, I suddenly found myself in a bind. Was it something I said? Something I read and manifested that's getting you down. Don't you dare come to bed with that ambiguous look in you eye, I'd sooner sleep by an open fire and wake up friend..."

I’m starting to believe that with every job I have, I learn what I don’t want from life. I’m not sure if it’s some higher power’s way of telling me to run while I can and pursue the career path I want, or it just ends up making me realize that I can’t stay in said jobs forever. First stop on the jobs to date: Canadian Tire.

I worked at Canadian for 5 years during the end of my high school and majority of my university life. My boss, the tiniest, angriest woman I’ve met to this day with moods that change like the weather, a short fuse and a fifteen years of service Canadian Tire badge. At the annual CT mandatory unpaid meeting, the higher ups in head office would pass out badges for years of service (and souls rendered) in a big formal ceremony. Watching these men and women who appear unhappy and lifeless the majority of the times I’ve seen them get their badges, scared the crap out of me. I wondered if they always dreamed their lives would be this way, and why they never left the Tire when even in the world of retail there are better alternatives.

My next retail stop. Bluenotes, where everyone who worked there was between 18-20 (I was 23) and my managers were my age. It always bothered me that the managers were my age and couldn’t understand my lack of enthusiasm when peddling deals like t-shirts 2 for $20 or about folding millions of graphic tee’s with phrases like “naughty girl” and sparkles on them. One girl I used to work with was all about working her way up in the Bluenotes family at the ripe age of 23. She’d also wish for something ‘exciting’ to happen in her life like marriage or pregnancy, so maybe she was exactly where she wanted to be?

My internship at CityLine was awesome; I really believe it changed my life. However, not getting paid for 4 months was not the greatest thing - but you make do to get where you want to be in life. I realized quickly in an industry where some people don’t know your name, or making a point of telling you that they in fact never plan on learning it, that you have to take the bad with the good. With that experience and my first insight into television, I decided I wouldn’t forget (if I make the big bucks I like to dream of) to appreciate the people I work with down to the coffee runners (as I was one) and to remember their names! I like to believe in karma and hope those who forget what it’s like to be an intern will be harshly reminded one day.

Which brings me to my current job. The Library. This surprisingly is the job that has been the most indicative of what I don’t want for my adult future (should I ever start to consider myself an adult, lol). I don’t want a standard 9-5 job; I don’t want to be part of the shuffled herd of the rush hour GO train. I don’t want to work an unchallenging, mindless job that I don’t care about. I don’t want to talk shit behind my fellow employees backs then turn around and give them a big fake smile afterwards. But there is a woman I work with who spends the ENTIRE workday talking about herself. When her pets are sick, she sends building wide email updates. It’s worst when you actually know this lady, I assure you. So maybe the best way to figure out who you want to be is figuring out who and what you don’t want to be? Maybe this isn’t the case for everyone, but it’s does seem to be in my case.

Speaking of jobs! I got my official hiring e-mail for the Beijing Olympics, it’s really happening! It’s as follows:

Congratulations！
This email is to let you know that we will be hiring you to work for us during the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. We will be sending you a letter in January that will let you know your work dates and how much you will be paid.
Please keep in mind that this is not a volunteer position. You will be part of our paid staff here at BOB. We look forward to working with you at the Olympics!

I wonder what crazy realization I’ll get from this job; I’m really looking forward to finding out. Although I’m still having a hard time picturing myself in China. It just seems too crazy.

"In the stick count for the song with knowing you're gone, glancing up at where you lived when you lived here. I see you suddenly alive and nearly smiling, stop and hold my breath and watch the way we used to be…The full moon makes our faces shine like over-ironed polyester, then disappears behind the clouds, and leaves me under empty rows of night windows…"

I don’t know what’s up with me, maybe I’m having a quarter life crisis or something. I’m feeling really antsy and unsure these days, and I don’t like it. I guess it’s stemming from some uncertainty I’ve been facing in my professional and personal life.

Recently after a long time on the bench (gotta love a good baseball analogy) I got back into the dating scene. Long story short, and without sounding too emo, it didn’t quite work out. But it made me realize that maybe I’ve been hiding out too much, telling myself I didn’t want a relationship but realizing that I do. I mean, who wants to be that older lady on the GO train choosing between two pre-packaged meals for one (seriously, I saw her today; it scared the hell out of me!) So while I’d like to sit back and hope for the best, I guess it’s not very realistic to think that way, and there are some nice people to meet. I mean the guy himself was nice and I was glad to get to know him, but here’s where I always seem to run into trouble. When you date someone, no matter how long the time frame, you spend quite a bit of time getting to know the person. But when things don’t work, for whatever reason, are you supposed to just go on pretending that person doesn’t exist and forget everything that made you want to get to know them in the first place? Maybe I’m incapable of letting go of people, that’s definitely something I’ve wondered about myself for a long time. I don’t know, I just feel like you get gipped or something.

Also, in terms of ‘profession,’ I’ve come to terms with the fact I hate my job as an illustrious library assistant. If it weren’t for the prospect of Beijing in August, I think I may have harmed myself or others by now. Ok, not realllly but it’s so boring! I can’t stand the boredom. I know I shouldn’t complain that some people are unemployed, in poverty, have it worst than me, etc etc but just allow me this small moment in this self made venue to vent a little. I need it so. I’ve started looking into taking a night or online class, but with student loans and bills and stuff I can’t really afford it. Basically during the week I spend 8 hours a day at work, 3-4 commuting and then I come home and wait around to do it all again and I hate it. I feel like I’m in a rutt and I don’t know how to get out of it. In all seriousness if anyone had some weekend or post-work suggestions for time wasting at a cheap rate, I’d welcome them. I’m feeling a little lost and I’ll take all the help I can get. :)

"Will I ever get to, to where it is that I've been going? Will I ever follow through with what I, with what I have planned? I guess it´s possible that I have been a bit distracted, and the directions for me are a lot less in demand, in demand..."

Things lately have been pretty good, I must say. While I’m still dwelling in the basement work-wise, I’m starting to feel better about it. Even though Beijing won’t be my method of escape until August, it’s nice to know it’s out there. I may even try to escape the basement to something else before that, but I know I won’t be stuck here forever, and it’s helping me get some of my debt paid, nothing wrong with that.

Beijing still seems like a situation I can’t quite pull into reality. It’s a fantasy opportunity that I never thought I’d get and still don’t believe. I never thought I wanted to get out of television, but in the last few weeks I suppose I have started to doubt my abilities and worth for such a large industry in which I have such little experience. But yesterday, I took my Mom and sister to be part of the audience for CityLine (my old internship) with tickets I had requested months ago, and I’m so glad I went. Seeing all the people I used to work with and even watching the show being put together reminded me of how much I loved it there (despite it’s lack of monetary payment, lol). The people are amazing and the atmosphere is unlike any other I’ve worked in, I guess it just helped me see that I can’t give up.

I know I often use this method as an outlet for expressing my anger or complaints, but I guess I’m take an unchartered route into optimism. I just feel like there are still a lot of possibilities, and I like that everything isn’t decided for me already. I’m not ready for a certain schedule of a certain job everyday with a husband and kids, and I’m definitely not knocking those who are. I know eventually I’d like to go that route but I just think it’ll take me a while to get there.

In two weeks I’ll turn 24, and I’m really looking forward to getting out with my best ladies and gentlemen, the people in my life who really matter, and celebrating. I’ve been asking myself if I’m where I expected to be life-wise at the age of 24 and I can’t decide, but I think I’m doing pretty good so far.

Saturday morning 2:30am I meet up with my friend and former co-worker Christina for our adventure to New York. 5:30am we’re at the Buffalo airport on a flight to New York. Her on no sleep, me on about 5 hours. Our eyes are burning, but we’re going to New York!

We get to New York early Saturday morning and take the world’s longest subway ride to our hotel. Ditch our bags, and head out. Times Square, first stop: the TV/Movies tour with our (hot) tour guide, Brian. We see sites like the front of the Friends apartment building, to the front of the Huxtable house. While on the tour a girl on our bus yelled and pointed out Ethan Hawke walking down the street with his son and his dog. We all stared and took pictures, and he waved awkwardly. I felt bad for lurking him, but I guess that’s what’s normal in New York? I don’t know.

Later that night, we thought we’d see what we could find for a Broadway show, and Christina made the best find. We’d never heard of the Farnsworth Invention, but it had two important, decision-making factors: Hank Azaria, and it was about television. Being big TV nerds by profession and interest, we went. It was awesome, and afterwards we saw Hank Azaria outside. We got his autograph and we told him we knew all about the stuff in the play because we work in and went to school for television, hence the “Wow you guys really ARE nerds.” Oh Hank Azaria.

The next day we went on the NBC Tour and spent way too much money in the NBC Experience store. On the tour we saw and sat in the studios for SNL and Conan. I was excited to see the studio was small so there wouldn’t be a bad seat in the house for Conan. That is until, I find out, seeing the studio will only be a precursor cock tease to the writer’s strike, and my inability to see Conan, this not fulfilling my life dream, re-iterating the existence of the widely believed McBride curse, and making me very very sad. I can’t even begin to imagine the ramifications if this strike lasts as long as the one in 1988 (about 5 months), it’s going to totally change American TV, making it much much worse, I’m sure.

However, in my melancholy state I must say that Christina was very sympathetic to my pain and incredibly helpful in getting my mind off the strike, mostly by shopping (which she hates, so I extra appreciated it). While shopping we passed Chris Daughtry (American Idol, Daughtry) on the street. Crazy right? After too much shopping and money spent, we went to the big Apple store, down to Central Park, Radio City Music Hall, Trump Tower, and cool places like that.

On Monday, without the Conan experience we went down to Battery Park to see the Statue of Liberty and walk around. We also went to the Stock Exchange and the World Trade Center. They are doing a lot of construction by the Trade Center right now. Later that night I FINALLY got to see a movie I’ve been waiting forever to see, Into the Wild. So good, the book is good, the movie’s good. Read it, then go see it. You heard it here first.

Tuesday was our last day in the big city. We started off the day on the Sex and the City tour. More props to Christina for letting me drag her on this one as well. We went to places like the Magnolia bakery, Carrie’s front stoop, Aidan and Steve’s bar, etc. But by FAR the highlight came at the end of the tour. The spot the bus dropped us off at was literally down the street from where the Sex and the City ladies were currently filming scenes for the new movie. I was very lamely ecstatic. Now we were across the street, but we DID see all four ladies decked out in New York’s finest fashions replicating a scene from New York Fashion Week (that isn’t actually going no right now). They had fake snow and Samantha had blood thrown on her fur coat from a fur protestor. That’s all I know, but it was pretty excellent.

After that, a little more shopping and a long way home brought me back home last night and to work today. Upon coming home I did manage to find out I should be in Beijing for about a month. I’m still waiting for many many more details. Stay tuned.