"In the stick count for the song with knowing you're gone, glancing up at where you lived when you lived here. I see you suddenly alive and nearly smiling, stop and hold my breath and watch the way we used to be…The full moon makes our faces shine like over-ironed polyester, then disappears behind the clouds, and leaves me under empty rows of night windows…"

I don’t know what’s up with me, maybe I’m having a quarter life crisis or something. I’m feeling really antsy and unsure these days, and I don’t like it. I guess it’s stemming from some uncertainty I’ve been facing in my professional and personal life.

Recently after a long time on the bench (gotta love a good baseball analogy) I got back into the dating scene. Long story short, and without sounding too emo, it didn’t quite work out. But it made me realize that maybe I’ve been hiding out too much, telling myself I didn’t want a relationship but realizing that I do. I mean, who wants to be that older lady on the GO train choosing between two pre-packaged meals for one (seriously, I saw her today; it scared the hell out of me!) So while I’d like to sit back and hope for the best, I guess it’s not very realistic to think that way, and there are some nice people to meet. I mean the guy himself was nice and I was glad to get to know him, but here’s where I always seem to run into trouble. When you date someone, no matter how long the time frame, you spend quite a bit of time getting to know the person. But when things don’t work, for whatever reason, are you supposed to just go on pretending that person doesn’t exist and forget everything that made you want to get to know them in the first place? Maybe I’m incapable of letting go of people, that’s definitely something I’ve wondered about myself for a long time. I don’t know, I just feel like you get gipped or something.

Also, in terms of ‘profession,’ I’ve come to terms with the fact I hate my job as an illustrious library assistant. If it weren’t for the prospect of Beijing in August, I think I may have harmed myself or others by now. Ok, not realllly but it’s so boring! I can’t stand the boredom. I know I shouldn’t complain that some people are unemployed, in poverty, have it worst than me, etc etc but just allow me this small moment in this self made venue to vent a little. I need it so. I’ve started looking into taking a night or online class, but with student loans and bills and stuff I can’t really afford it. Basically during the week I spend 8 hours a day at work, 3-4 commuting and then I come home and wait around to do it all again and I hate it. I feel like I’m in a rutt and I don’t know how to get out of it. In all seriousness if anyone had some weekend or post-work suggestions for time wasting at a cheap rate, I’d welcome them. I’m feeling a little lost and I’ll take all the help I can get. :)