"In the stick count for the song with knowing you're gone, glancing up at where you lived when you lived here. I see you suddenly alive and nearly smiling, stop and hold my breath and watch the way we used to be…The full moon makes our faces shine like over-ironed polyester, then disappears behind the clouds, and leaves me under empty rows of night windows…"
I don’t know what’s up with me, maybe I’m having a quarter life crisis or something. I’m feeling really antsy and unsure these days, and I don’t like it. I guess it’s stemming from some uncertainty I’ve been facing in my professional and personal life.
Recently after a long time on the bench (gotta love a good baseball analogy) I got back into the dating scene. Long story short, and without sounding too emo, it didn’t quite work out. But it made me realize that maybe I’ve been hiding out too much, telling myself I didn’t want a relationship but realizing that I do. I mean, who wants to be that older lady on the GO train choosing between two pre-packaged meals for one (seriously, I saw her today; it scared the hell out of me!) So while I’d like to sit back and hope for the best, I guess it’s not very realistic to think that way, and there are some nice people to meet. I mean the guy himself was nice and I was glad to get to know him, but here’s where I always seem to run into trouble. When you date someone, no matter how long the time frame, you spend quite a bit of time getting to know the person. But when things don’t work, for whatever reason, are you supposed to just go on pretending that person doesn’t exist and forget everything that made you want to get to know them in the first place? Maybe I’m incapable of letting go of people, that’s definitely something I’ve wondered about myself for a long time. I don’t know, I just feel like you get gipped or something.
Also, in terms of ‘profession,’ I’ve come to terms with the fact I hate my job as an illustrious library assistant. If it weren’t for the prospect of Beijing in August, I think I may have harmed myself or others by now. Ok, not realllly but it’s so boring! I can’t stand the boredom. I know I shouldn’t complain that some people are unemployed, in poverty, have it worst than me, etc etc but just allow me this small moment in this self made venue to vent a little. I need it so. I’ve started looking into taking a night or online class, but with student loans and bills and stuff I can’t really afford it. Basically during the week I spend 8 hours a day at work, 3-4 commuting and then I come home and wait around to do it all again and I hate it. I feel like I’m in a rutt and I don’t know how to get out of it. In all seriousness if anyone had some weekend or post-work suggestions for time wasting at a cheap rate, I’d welcome them. I’m feeling a little lost and I’ll take all the help I can get. :)
Saturday, November 17, 2007
"Will I ever get to, to where it is that I've been going? Will I ever follow through with what I, with what I have planned? I guess it´s possible that I have been a bit distracted, and the directions for me are a lot less in demand, in demand..."
Things lately have been pretty good, I must say. While I’m still dwelling in the basement work-wise, I’m starting to feel better about it. Even though Beijing won’t be my method of escape until August, it’s nice to know it’s out there. I may even try to escape the basement to something else before that, but I know I won’t be stuck here forever, and it’s helping me get some of my debt paid, nothing wrong with that.
Beijing still seems like a situation I can’t quite pull into reality. It’s a fantasy opportunity that I never thought I’d get and still don’t believe. I never thought I wanted to get out of television, but in the last few weeks I suppose I have started to doubt my abilities and worth for such a large industry in which I have such little experience. But yesterday, I took my Mom and sister to be part of the audience for CityLine (my old internship) with tickets I had requested months ago, and I’m so glad I went. Seeing all the people I used to work with and even watching the show being put together reminded me of how much I loved it there (despite it’s lack of monetary payment, lol). The people are amazing and the atmosphere is unlike any other I’ve worked in, I guess it just helped me see that I can’t give up.
I know I often use this method as an outlet for expressing my anger or complaints, but I guess I’m take an unchartered route into optimism. I just feel like there are still a lot of possibilities, and I like that everything isn’t decided for me already. I’m not ready for a certain schedule of a certain job everyday with a husband and kids, and I’m definitely not knocking those who are. I know eventually I’d like to go that route but I just think it’ll take me a while to get there.
In two weeks I’ll turn 24, and I’m really looking forward to getting out with my best ladies and gentlemen, the people in my life who really matter, and celebrating. I’ve been asking myself if I’m where I expected to be life-wise at the age of 24 and I can’t decide, but I think I’m doing pretty good so far.
Things lately have been pretty good, I must say. While I’m still dwelling in the basement work-wise, I’m starting to feel better about it. Even though Beijing won’t be my method of escape until August, it’s nice to know it’s out there. I may even try to escape the basement to something else before that, but I know I won’t be stuck here forever, and it’s helping me get some of my debt paid, nothing wrong with that.
Beijing still seems like a situation I can’t quite pull into reality. It’s a fantasy opportunity that I never thought I’d get and still don’t believe. I never thought I wanted to get out of television, but in the last few weeks I suppose I have started to doubt my abilities and worth for such a large industry in which I have such little experience. But yesterday, I took my Mom and sister to be part of the audience for CityLine (my old internship) with tickets I had requested months ago, and I’m so glad I went. Seeing all the people I used to work with and even watching the show being put together reminded me of how much I loved it there (despite it’s lack of monetary payment, lol). The people are amazing and the atmosphere is unlike any other I’ve worked in, I guess it just helped me see that I can’t give up.
I know I often use this method as an outlet for expressing my anger or complaints, but I guess I’m take an unchartered route into optimism. I just feel like there are still a lot of possibilities, and I like that everything isn’t decided for me already. I’m not ready for a certain schedule of a certain job everyday with a husband and kids, and I’m definitely not knocking those who are. I know eventually I’d like to go that route but I just think it’ll take me a while to get there.
In two weeks I’ll turn 24, and I’m really looking forward to getting out with my best ladies and gentlemen, the people in my life who really matter, and celebrating. I’ve been asking myself if I’m where I expected to be life-wise at the age of 24 and I can’t decide, but I think I’m doing pretty good so far.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Saturday morning 2:30am I meet up with my friend and former co-worker Christina for our adventure to New York. 5:30am we’re at the Buffalo airport on a flight to New York. Her on no sleep, me on about 5 hours. Our eyes are burning, but we’re going to New York!
We get to New York early Saturday morning and take the world’s longest subway ride to our hotel. Ditch our bags, and head out. Times Square, first stop: the TV/Movies tour with our (hot) tour guide, Brian. We see sites like the front of the Friends apartment building, to the front of the Huxtable house. While on the tour a girl on our bus yelled and pointed out Ethan Hawke walking down the street with his son and his dog. We all stared and took pictures, and he waved awkwardly. I felt bad for lurking him, but I guess that’s what’s normal in New York? I don’t know.
Later that night, we thought we’d see what we could find for a Broadway show, and Christina made the best find. We’d never heard of the Farnsworth Invention, but it had two important, decision-making factors: Hank Azaria, and it was about television. Being big TV nerds by profession and interest, we went. It was awesome, and afterwards we saw Hank Azaria outside. We got his autograph and we told him we knew all about the stuff in the play because we work in and went to school for television, hence the “Wow you guys really ARE nerds.” Oh Hank Azaria.
The next day we went on the NBC Tour and spent way too much money in the NBC Experience store. On the tour we saw and sat in the studios for SNL and Conan. I was excited to see the studio was small so there wouldn’t be a bad seat in the house for Conan. That is until, I find out, seeing the studio will only be a precursor cock tease to the writer’s strike, and my inability to see Conan, this not fulfilling my life dream, re-iterating the existence of the widely believed McBride curse, and making me very very sad. I can’t even begin to imagine the ramifications if this strike lasts as long as the one in 1988 (about 5 months), it’s going to totally change American TV, making it much much worse, I’m sure.
However, in my melancholy state I must say that Christina was very sympathetic to my pain and incredibly helpful in getting my mind off the strike, mostly by shopping (which she hates, so I extra appreciated it). While shopping we passed Chris Daughtry (American Idol, Daughtry) on the street. Crazy right? After too much shopping and money spent, we went to the big Apple store, down to Central Park, Radio City Music Hall, Trump Tower, and cool places like that.
On Monday, without the Conan experience we went down to Battery Park to see the Statue of Liberty and walk around. We also went to the Stock Exchange and the World Trade Center. They are doing a lot of construction by the Trade Center right now. Later that night I FINALLY got to see a movie I’ve been waiting forever to see, Into the Wild. So good, the book is good, the movie’s good. Read it, then go see it. You heard it here first.
Tuesday was our last day in the big city. We started off the day on the Sex and the City tour. More props to Christina for letting me drag her on this one as well. We went to places like the Magnolia bakery, Carrie’s front stoop, Aidan and Steve’s bar, etc. But by FAR the highlight came at the end of the tour. The spot the bus dropped us off at was literally down the street from where the Sex and the City ladies were currently filming scenes for the new movie. I was very lamely ecstatic. Now we were across the street, but we DID see all four ladies decked out in New York’s finest fashions replicating a scene from New York Fashion Week (that isn’t actually going no right now). They had fake snow and Samantha had blood thrown on her fur coat from a fur protestor. That’s all I know, but it was pretty excellent.
After that, a little more shopping and a long way home brought me back home last night and to work today. Upon coming home I did manage to find out I should be in Beijing for about a month. I’m still waiting for many many more details. Stay tuned.
We get to New York early Saturday morning and take the world’s longest subway ride to our hotel. Ditch our bags, and head out. Times Square, first stop: the TV/Movies tour with our (hot) tour guide, Brian. We see sites like the front of the Friends apartment building, to the front of the Huxtable house. While on the tour a girl on our bus yelled and pointed out Ethan Hawke walking down the street with his son and his dog. We all stared and took pictures, and he waved awkwardly. I felt bad for lurking him, but I guess that’s what’s normal in New York? I don’t know.
Later that night, we thought we’d see what we could find for a Broadway show, and Christina made the best find. We’d never heard of the Farnsworth Invention, but it had two important, decision-making factors: Hank Azaria, and it was about television. Being big TV nerds by profession and interest, we went. It was awesome, and afterwards we saw Hank Azaria outside. We got his autograph and we told him we knew all about the stuff in the play because we work in and went to school for television, hence the “Wow you guys really ARE nerds.” Oh Hank Azaria.
The next day we went on the NBC Tour and spent way too much money in the NBC Experience store. On the tour we saw and sat in the studios for SNL and Conan. I was excited to see the studio was small so there wouldn’t be a bad seat in the house for Conan. That is until, I find out, seeing the studio will only be a precursor cock tease to the writer’s strike, and my inability to see Conan, this not fulfilling my life dream, re-iterating the existence of the widely believed McBride curse, and making me very very sad. I can’t even begin to imagine the ramifications if this strike lasts as long as the one in 1988 (about 5 months), it’s going to totally change American TV, making it much much worse, I’m sure.
However, in my melancholy state I must say that Christina was very sympathetic to my pain and incredibly helpful in getting my mind off the strike, mostly by shopping (which she hates, so I extra appreciated it). While shopping we passed Chris Daughtry (American Idol, Daughtry) on the street. Crazy right? After too much shopping and money spent, we went to the big Apple store, down to Central Park, Radio City Music Hall, Trump Tower, and cool places like that.
On Monday, without the Conan experience we went down to Battery Park to see the Statue of Liberty and walk around. We also went to the Stock Exchange and the World Trade Center. They are doing a lot of construction by the Trade Center right now. Later that night I FINALLY got to see a movie I’ve been waiting forever to see, Into the Wild. So good, the book is good, the movie’s good. Read it, then go see it. You heard it here first.
Tuesday was our last day in the big city. We started off the day on the Sex and the City tour. More props to Christina for letting me drag her on this one as well. We went to places like the Magnolia bakery, Carrie’s front stoop, Aidan and Steve’s bar, etc. But by FAR the highlight came at the end of the tour. The spot the bus dropped us off at was literally down the street from where the Sex and the City ladies were currently filming scenes for the new movie. I was very lamely ecstatic. Now we were across the street, but we DID see all four ladies decked out in New York’s finest fashions replicating a scene from New York Fashion Week (that isn’t actually going no right now). They had fake snow and Samantha had blood thrown on her fur coat from a fur protestor. That’s all I know, but it was pretty excellent.
After that, a little more shopping and a long way home brought me back home last night and to work today. Upon coming home I did manage to find out I should be in Beijing for about a month. I’m still waiting for many many more details. Stay tuned.
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