"Will I ever get to, to where it is that I've been going? Will I ever follow through with what I, with what I have planned? I guess it´s possible that I have been a bit distracted, and the directions for me are a lot less in demand, in demand..."

Things lately have been pretty good, I must say. While I’m still dwelling in the basement work-wise, I’m starting to feel better about it. Even though Beijing won’t be my method of escape until August, it’s nice to know it’s out there. I may even try to escape the basement to something else before that, but I know I won’t be stuck here forever, and it’s helping me get some of my debt paid, nothing wrong with that.

Beijing still seems like a situation I can’t quite pull into reality. It’s a fantasy opportunity that I never thought I’d get and still don’t believe. I never thought I wanted to get out of television, but in the last few weeks I suppose I have started to doubt my abilities and worth for such a large industry in which I have such little experience. But yesterday, I took my Mom and sister to be part of the audience for CityLine (my old internship) with tickets I had requested months ago, and I’m so glad I went. Seeing all the people I used to work with and even watching the show being put together reminded me of how much I loved it there (despite it’s lack of monetary payment, lol). The people are amazing and the atmosphere is unlike any other I’ve worked in, I guess it just helped me see that I can’t give up.

I know I often use this method as an outlet for expressing my anger or complaints, but I guess I’m take an unchartered route into optimism. I just feel like there are still a lot of possibilities, and I like that everything isn’t decided for me already. I’m not ready for a certain schedule of a certain job everyday with a husband and kids, and I’m definitely not knocking those who are. I know eventually I’d like to go that route but I just think it’ll take me a while to get there.

In two weeks I’ll turn 24, and I’m really looking forward to getting out with my best ladies and gentlemen, the people in my life who really matter, and celebrating. I’ve been asking myself if I’m where I expected to be life-wise at the age of 24 and I can’t decide, but I think I’m doing pretty good so far.