"I saw you standing in the corner, on the edge of a burning light. I saw you standing in the corner, come to me again in the cold cold night, in the cold cold night..."

As my past few blogs have indicated, I’ve been feeling weighed down by the impending end of my internship with no luck on the job front so far. I’ve been thinking and worrying and applying everyday all day for the last few weeks and I need to relax. I know this, but it’s hard to do. I want to let my hair down, have fun, be spontaneous and remember what summer is supposed to feel like, and if I find a handsome man to do this with, all the better, haha. Seriously though, I’ve always been the worrying type

and I feel like I’ve been carrying a weight around, a weight of uncertainty and fear, I just want to get rid of it. I know the old saying is, you can’t run away from your problems, but can you take a vacation from them? Who wants to go with me?

I have never felt more lost in my life. It’s scary to type those words because it makes me realize how true they are. Everything about my future seems so uncertain and out of my hands, it’s consuming my every thought. I wish someone had told me that four years of university and a year of college plus four months of working for free at an internship would mean absolutely nothing to prospective employers.

August is next week and at the end of the month everything becomes so unclear. I will no longer have my place in Oakville (despite the fact I don’t actually like/know the people I live with, it will still mean the end of not living at home), my internship will be over and I have no plan. I’ve never not had a plan. I have applied for every media job on the job websites and in my office that I can find, have asked almost every person I could think of for help and advice and still I am no closer to an answer.

To make matters worse, my father, whose heart is in the right place keeps asking me questions about what I’m going to do and to have no answer for him. I’m sure it’s as frustrating for him as it is for me. I owe him money, I owe OSAP money, I owe my line of credit, my credit card, the world money but have none to give.

My internship has been great and I’ve been fortunate to do a bunch of things that I wouldn’t have otherwise had the opportunity to take part in and have met some people I truly appreciate, which makes me feel lucky. But my bills keep piling up and I can’t pay them, I thought by the time I turned 24 (which is in a few months) I’d at least have started on my way on a solid career path not considering the possibility of having to surrender myself to yet another no-respect, part time job while I live with my parents to pay off my major debt I’ve collected for school that apparently has not benefited me in the least because I am unemployable. All the while arguing with my parents over things like where we’re going to store my bed and which room to put the treadmill in, because my moving home is an intrusion on my parents lives even though they try to pretend it isn’t. I feel unwanted in their house, as unwanted as I feel by the employers out there. I know my parents will take me back and don’t mean to make me feel this way but I can hardly blame them, I’m 23 and I only just moved out – I shouldn’t be coming back, I’m an adult…apparently.

"I've been thinkin'of a little place down by the lake, they got a dirty old road leading up to the house, I wonder how long it will take till we're alone, sittin on the front porch of that home, stompin' our feet on the wooden boards, never gotta worry 'bout lockin' the door...

Well, it's 1-2-3-4 take the elevator at the Hotel Yorba I'll be glad to see ya later
all they got inside is vacancy..."

I’ve wanted to write something since Saturday night when I saw one of the best concerts to date: the White Stripes. Scoff or insult if you will, (and I’ll still think you’re wrong) Jack and Meg White know how to rock a show. From the deep red back drops and instruments to the two hour pure rock show, it was without a doubt, one of my top 5 concerts all time, possibly number 2 (nothing beats Incubus!) Only Jack White can strut his stuff on stage in red pants while making his guitar skills look effortless. Amazing.

The reason its taken me so long to write anything (I’m sure everyone’s just been dying for something new - haha) is due to my exceedingly heavy workload this week. Having worked the morning after the concert and all day at Bluenotes and carrying into the week back to back CityLine and Bluenotes, I’ve literally been able to catch up on some much needed hours. Work is also preventing me from seeing the new Harry Potter movie, which hurts my heart but I’m hoping to rectify this weekend. I’ve never lived for the weekends as much as I seem to these days. I have this unfortunate feeling that the summer will be here and gone before I even get a chance to enjoy it. Being poor and working 2 jobs (oh the irony!), seems to be preventing me from the drunken all-night swim-all day times passed.

I’d feel all of these things were worth sacrificing however, if I could guarantee an upcoming position of employment. Sadly this is not so. I’m trying to be optimistic and think that before August 31st comes I will be in a better situation, but I find this belief wavering. Since last voicing my fears of never getting a job in my field, working in retail forever and sucking in general, I have made some efforts to prevent such a horrible fate. Resumes and cover letters have been updated and started to go out, now I cross my fingers and pray for a miracle.

“Bones sinking like stones, all that we've fought for, homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for. And we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do, we live in a beautiful world...”

August 31st is coming. Lately I’ve found myself unable to think of anything else but this very day. I’ve always considered myself organized, a planner. I’ve rarely done anything whether it be school, job, etc without knowing my next move. This is why August 31st is causing me so much anxiety; it is the day everything literally changes. It is the last day of my four month internship at CityLine. It is the last day of my lease in my Oakville student house, and may be the end of my living parent free for an indefinite time. Since I will no longer have school in or be living in Oakville, it will also most likely be the end of my part time job at Bluenotes. Let’s review: no job, no internship, no place to live (parent-free). Insert panic here. I have to pack up and move home unless I can find a job in my field by then.

This brings the horrible questions like: what will I do if I don’t find a job in my field right away? Will I have to get yet another part time soul sucking, life hating retail job? How will I be able to move back under the obsessive thumb of my mother after having been free for a year? How will I ever begin to pay off the millions upon millions of dollars in debt that I owe? Annnnd here come the questions. Now you may think this is too early for me to be worrying, after all I still have about two months before this all takes place.


But lately anyone I seem to catch up with, friends, family, fellow employees, hobos on the street (ok maybe I’m exaggerating on that last one) without fail, seem to be asking me the dreaded question: “so do you think they’ll hire you after your internship” and/or “what are you going to do when you finish?” I can honestly say I never thought I’d find a question I hated more than “Are you seeing anybody new?/Do you have a boyfriend?” Which is most unfortunate, but this seems to be the new inescapable question.


For those of you that may not have heard, CityLine is facing a somewhat uncertain future now that Rogers and CTV have purchased Chum and City,the Queen St building is being split apart, which has never happened before. CityTV will be on its way out of the building. Marilyn Denis now works for conflicting companies with her Chum radio station and CityTV based television show. The future of CityLine is in the air and certainly a lot is changing. Eventually when its all said and done I’m sure there will be potential job opportunities at Rogers and CTV, but with all of that not actually taking place for quite some time and no guarantees I’m back to checking the job board praying for a miracle. Who wants to pray for me?