"So let's face it this was never what you wanted. But I know it's fun to pretend, now blank stares and empty threats, are all I have, they're all I have..."

Thursday night my sister and I went to the Danforth Music Hall to see City and Colour (Dallas Green of Alexisonfire’s solo act). It was one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to. We were lucky enough to be in the third row on the floor of the small theatre, but truly there wasn’t a bad seat in the house, and it wasn’t a fancy show of lights and effects, that’s not his style. It was an honest, low maintenance performance reflective of Dallas’ character. It was mainly Dallas and his guitar. There were a few times when he had drums and bass to back him (2 members of Attack in Black who opened the show, who knew they were in City and Colour as well?) He’d crack a few jokes, tune his guitar and almost effortlessly unleash such a powerful voice upon us. I was blown away; I could have listened to his voice for hours. I’m so glad I was able to see such a great, bare bones show. Free from rocker ego, pyrotechnics and hype. I think this kind of show can only be pulled off by true artists.

As for other aspects of my life, it looks like the move is on. I will either be moving elsewhere in Toronto or home to Hamilton by months end. I am seeing one more apartment today, and if that doesn’t work out I will go back to Hamilton in an attempt to save money and pay off the enormous debts I’ve accumulated during my 5 years of education. This will make for one awful commute, but such is life I suppose. Going home would also help me in saving money for my prospective trip to China next summer. However, this trip is not guaranteed and would make my life much easier if I knew for sure, but where would be the fun in that right? The guessing in my future work life continues, stay tuned…

"Please don't let this turn into something it's not, I can only give you everything I've got I can't be as sorry as you think I should. But I still love you more than anyone else could..."

I’ve been feeling really alone lately. This may be because in fact, I have been physically alone a lot lately. I’m currently sitting in the basement of the CBC working the night shift by myself, thinking about things. Thinking is always trouble for me; it causes worrying and other unfortunate conclusions.

I thought that once I got a full time job my life would come together. I would be content, settled or something like that. But in truth I’ve never felt more alone than I have these passed 2 weeks. Having only limited time to make a move to Toronto I’m living with a girl who was a stranger to me beforehand. I had hoped we’d get to know each other and become friends, but it hasn’t really gone that way. I mean she’s nice enough, but she makes me feel like a guest in her apartment rather than her roommate. She won’t let me have any of my stuff out/around to make it feel like my own. Everything of mine is tucked in a cupboard or in a corner, while her things are prominently displayed. If I attempt to move my items, she moves them back. Needless to say I’m feeling less than welcome, and it doesn’t feel like my home.

As for the new job, that’s not too bad. It’s mostly busy work and can be slow at times, but my fellow basement dwelling employees are all many years older (and some more bitter) than I. I’m lacking any allies or new friends that I was hoping to make. Sun TV was full of funny, sarcastic people my age, and I miss it there. I was only there for 3 weeks and if the job had been full time I would have wanted to stay. I worked in a computer lab with two of the biggest Star Trek nerds on this earth, and I miss them.

There are a few remarkable friends that I can always rely on; one in particular has been listening to my concerns a lot lately and I’d have most certainly lost my mind by now without her. But I do feel as though I have few friends to come by as of late. I’m not sure why that is or how it happened. I haven’t heard from one of my best friends in over two weeks, despite my many attempts to contact her. I ache to tell her the misgivings and uncertainties I’m currently feeling in my life, and hear about her own, if only I could get in touch with her… we could use our sarcasm and humour to reassure one another as always. I’ve never lived so far from my closest friends before, and I feel literally out of place with out them. I’ve spent most of my life with strong friendships while boyfriends have come and gone. But now with this feeling of losing some friends as well, I’ve never felt more alone. I’m no different from everyone else in the way that I wish I had some fantastic boyfriend who I could voice my fears to and he reassure me it’ll all work out. I wish I lived in a place that was my home and not someone else’s. I wish I wasn’t always by myself.

“The ride's over. Did you enjoy yourself? The ride's over. Fairing well?! The ride's over. Did you enjoy yourself? The ride's over. Fairing well? Not on my time…”

Friday marked the end of my summer. My four months of CityLine ended. Four months of seeing the same faces, taking part in a live program, and making new friends. Getting up at 6am during summer wasn’t always the most fun, but I really felt at home there. By far the best part about it was the women in the office, especially the floor director extraordinaire, Kathy. Not only did she know every answer to every question I ever had, she was always incredibly sweet and kind, never losing her patience. As I started to look for jobs in my field she reminded me to be confident and told me I had a lot to offer. It was much needed. It was the first time in a while I’d been reminded I actually had things to offer, and it’s not that I thought I was useless by any means, but some times it’s nice to be reminded and to know that someone else thinks so too.

Being at CityLine, and the opportunities that came from it, I began to feel more confident that I belong in television. Walking through the busy atmosphere of the MMVA’s, watching it all take place was an awe-striking experience. But I really knew I was home with television on Thursday night. I was lucky enough to watch the Bravo! Live at the Rehearsal Hall taping of Rufus Wainwright. It was awesome, his voice commands your attention and seems to fill the room with what appears to be minimal effort. Watching the lighting, the director’s instructions in my headset and the extremely talented performance I looked around and felt like I was a tiny part in something much greater than me. But I felt like, if I could even be a tiny part of something like that, I was very lucky. I want to help create television, play a part in making it in any way I can. I’m confident I can grow in this industry and do something meaningful, and I’ve honestly never felt that confident about much of anything before. Maybe it was being part of the live productions this passed year, maybe it was Kathy and the other women in my office who had faith in me when my own faith in myself was faulty, I can’t be sure.

I never ever thought I’d get a job right out of school, when I got the part time job at Sun TV I met some really awesome people who care about their jobs and have a great sense of humour and I felt lucky to find something, even if it was only part time, that I felt I could fit in to. I am a bit sad I didn’t get to stay there longer, let the people I worked with the passed 3 weeks really get to know me, but if I’ve learned anything from people so far it’s that the industry is tiny and I will more than likely cross paths with some of them again, and I sincerely hope I do…as corny as that may sound (and I’m sure it does).

I’m a bit nervous to start my CBC job on Tuesday. Honestly I never thought I’d ever work there. There’s an air of importance around it, and I always considered myself to be more laid back. But things are definitely happening. I got a job right out of school; I still cannot at all believe that. There’s also a possibility I might get to work the Beijing Olympics next summer, I can’t even begin to imagine who amazing that opportunity would be, not to mention the doors it could open while I further my experience in the industry. One thing is for certain, next summer my Uncle is getting married in Greece and I am going to be there. Whether I set off on a plane from Beijing to Greece and be a jet setter, (I currently don’t even have a passport), or coming from home where I’m working hard at CBC or otherwise, I have a lot in the next year to look forward to and I’m so excited.