"Please don't let this turn into something it's not, I can only give you everything I've got I can't be as sorry as you think I should. But I still love you more than anyone else could..."

I’ve been feeling really alone lately. This may be because in fact, I have been physically alone a lot lately. I’m currently sitting in the basement of the CBC working the night shift by myself, thinking about things. Thinking is always trouble for me; it causes worrying and other unfortunate conclusions.

I thought that once I got a full time job my life would come together. I would be content, settled or something like that. But in truth I’ve never felt more alone than I have these passed 2 weeks. Having only limited time to make a move to Toronto I’m living with a girl who was a stranger to me beforehand. I had hoped we’d get to know each other and become friends, but it hasn’t really gone that way. I mean she’s nice enough, but she makes me feel like a guest in her apartment rather than her roommate. She won’t let me have any of my stuff out/around to make it feel like my own. Everything of mine is tucked in a cupboard or in a corner, while her things are prominently displayed. If I attempt to move my items, she moves them back. Needless to say I’m feeling less than welcome, and it doesn’t feel like my home.

As for the new job, that’s not too bad. It’s mostly busy work and can be slow at times, but my fellow basement dwelling employees are all many years older (and some more bitter) than I. I’m lacking any allies or new friends that I was hoping to make. Sun TV was full of funny, sarcastic people my age, and I miss it there. I was only there for 3 weeks and if the job had been full time I would have wanted to stay. I worked in a computer lab with two of the biggest Star Trek nerds on this earth, and I miss them.

There are a few remarkable friends that I can always rely on; one in particular has been listening to my concerns a lot lately and I’d have most certainly lost my mind by now without her. But I do feel as though I have few friends to come by as of late. I’m not sure why that is or how it happened. I haven’t heard from one of my best friends in over two weeks, despite my many attempts to contact her. I ache to tell her the misgivings and uncertainties I’m currently feeling in my life, and hear about her own, if only I could get in touch with her… we could use our sarcasm and humour to reassure one another as always. I’ve never lived so far from my closest friends before, and I feel literally out of place with out them. I’ve spent most of my life with strong friendships while boyfriends have come and gone. But now with this feeling of losing some friends as well, I’ve never felt more alone. I’m no different from everyone else in the way that I wish I had some fantastic boyfriend who I could voice my fears to and he reassure me it’ll all work out. I wish I lived in a place that was my home and not someone else’s. I wish I wasn’t always by myself.