The Fine Line Between Bitter and Hopeful

2008-02-13T11:21:00.001-05:00

"I get so distracted by some peoples reactions, that I don't see my own faults for what they are...for what they are. At times so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lays a sensible heart…a sensible heart..."

This week has been quite interesting, and it’s only Wednesday. Yesterday, as sometimes fortune would have it, one of the morning GO trains on my route was cancelled. Of course this means twice as many people on my regular route. Standing on a 45 minute train ride crammed up against a bunch of strangers is not the best start to the day, but it happens. However, when our train trudged on to Bronte and more people tried to file in, a gentleman (and I use that term loosely) was standing at the door with a few lingering others, obviously trying to make his way on. To this end, he started yelling things like ‘move people, come on’ etc. Nothing beats getting yelled at before you even get to work! But what killed me about this guy was when he said ‘come on people, don’t be like cattle and just stand there, MOVE!’ Ironic that he compare us to cattle, but then try to get us to move at his will…well just like cattle you could say, no? While the morning started out more balls than I would have liked, the remainder (post-work of course) ended up being pretty great. I was fortunate enough to see Dallas Green perform a few songs from his album live, which was fantastic! Afterwards I met up with the lovely Dana Williams for dinner and we had some trouble and hilarity making it through the snow.

Today was another crazy series of events. My little Ford Focus, Duncan got stuck at the end of my driveway. Again. Luckily, I was able to dig myself out, and being the dutiful friend I am, picked up Dana to accompany me to the GO station, so we could both make it to work on time…which did not happen. We missed the train, and were stopped mid-way to Toronto ‘waiting for trains to pass’ and were 25 minutes late getting into Toronto, making me an hour late for work…but what can you do, and without these things, what would I have to go on about? : )

I got another e-mail about China this morning; I’m getting really confused with the way they do things over there. I signed and mailed back my contract for the summer, and they’ve sent me another one that (from what I can see) says the same thing as the first. But my accreditation and all that jazz have all been sent in and taken care of, so I’m slowly getting closer to making this thing a reality…even though I’m still having an impossible time trying to believe it.

City and Colour’s new album, Bring Me Your Love came out yesterday and it’s awesome. Give it a listen kids.

2008-01-08T18:41:00.001-05:00

"My biggest fear will be the rescue of me, strange how it turns out that way. Could you show me dear, something I've not seen, something infinitely interesting..."

This weekend I met with my Uncle to discuss China and beyond. To say this coming summer will be a change is a drastic understatement. After Beijing, my Uncle is getting married in Greece and I will be going from working the OLYMPICS to GREECE. I just can’t imagine it. As it gets talked about more and small details start to be decided, the reality of the situation, that I’ll actually be doing these things we keep talking about, is escaping me. I’ve only ever been to Vancouver, Florida and New York. Definitely not international traveling by any means.

My Uncle asked me if I’d like to stay with them in Beijing until they fly to Greece for their wedding or since I’ll have the time, go over early without them and travel some of the islands. Crazy. Obviously I want to see and experience as much as possible, but to do so much traveling on my own is scary and somewhat daunting. I wouldn’t consider myself very direction savvy in any country, nevermind one where I don’t speak the first language. I’m definitely being thrust out of my element here.

Part of me is scared, and wondering if I’ll be able to do it without causing myself the world’s largest anxiety attack. But the other part wonders in a way, if this was what I’ve been supposed to do all along. Be put in a situation where I have to face change (I mean, after all, how long have I been complaining that I’m ready for change) and experience things that will no doubt change myself as well. I do wish I had at least one other person taking this ride literally around the world, with me, but maybe it’s for the better that no one is. Maybe I will grow more confident, stop apologizing for myself, be who I am more than I’ve ever been before, and not be so concerned with others opinions. But then again, maybe I’m romanticizing the situation and will come back basically the same, who can say.

Another thing that my Uncle suggested, (time allotting) is to consider traveling to areas the Easy Jet (some excellent form of cheap European travel apparently) to places like Italy, London, etc. Suddenly I’ve been granted a lot of travel options, and I have no idea where to go or what to do. I’ve always wanted to go to Ireland, is this the time to be going? I know a vacation will be welcomed after working intensely for a month of long/hot days during the Olympic games….but where should I go? I welcome any suggestions for locations and/or traveling tips, especially to those who have traveled alone. I’m having a really hard time believing this is my life...wow.

2008-01-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

"See the world in green and blue, see China right in front of you, see the canyons broken by cloud, see the tuna fleets clearing the sea out, see the Bedouin fires at night, see the oil fields at first light and see the bird with a leaf in her mouth, after the flood all the colors came out...It was a beautiful day..."

So 2007 has come and gone…and I don’t think I’ll miss it. It wasn’t that it was particularly horrible, for the most part I have only good things to say, but there’s something about the allure of a new year and a blank slate of possibilities that’s so appealing. I don’t make resolutions, no one ever sticks to them but I do have a few things in mind I’d like to accomplish this year. At the top of my list, working hard and proving my worth in Beijing this summer, I want to impress the crap out of people so they want to hire me (and perhaps even get to do some more traveling!)

Work stuff aside though, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to friends lately. I don’t know, I just feel like I met some great people this year, or even in years passed and for whatever reason never took the time to know them all that well, and that’s something I’d like to change. I think I’ve been wasting too much time worrying about negative things, like relationships/dating etc. and not enough time having fun. I rang in the New Year with some fabulous people, some I knew before and some I didn’t and I just had a great time for the first time in a while. I hope that party will serve as a prequel to the excellent company I hope to keep for the coming year.

But one thing I really want to make certain I do this year is to see Conan! After being flouted the first time by the writer’s strike, my resolve has only strengthened to get in that audience and see him live. The problem with this being, I have no idea who (if anyone) will want to come to New York with me. I’m thinking a shorter trip this time, maybe only a few days, but I just have to see him! Whether I make it to New York or not, traveling is inevitable for me this year and I am so excited. I’m slowly (verrry slowly) starting to get information about Beijing and afterwards Greece for my Uncle’s wedding. I never really thought I’d get to see either of these places, and I can’t wait! Also, please note that my Uncle has given me permission for guests in China, so if there’s anyone with a desire to visit, let me know now and start saving your pennies!

2007-12-17T00:05:00.000-05:00

"Today, everything was fine. Until roundabout, quarter to nine, I suddenly found myself in a bind. Was it something I said? Something I read and manifested that's getting you down. Don't you dare come to bed with that ambiguous look in you eye, I'd sooner sleep by an open fire and wake up friend..."

I’m starting to believe that with every job I have, I learn what I don’t want from life. I’m not sure if it’s some higher power’s way of telling me to run while I can and pursue the career path I want, or it just ends up making me realize that I can’t stay in said jobs forever. First stop on the jobs to date: Canadian Tire.

I worked at Canadian for 5 years during the end of my high school and majority of my university life. My boss, the tiniest, angriest woman I’ve met to this day with moods that change like the weather, a short fuse and a fifteen years of service Canadian Tire badge. At the annual CT mandatory unpaid meeting, the higher ups in head office would pass out badges for years of service (and souls rendered) in a big formal ceremony. Watching these men and women who appear unhappy and lifeless the majority of the times I’ve seen them get their badges, scared the crap out of me. I wondered if they always dreamed their lives would be this way, and why they never left the Tire when even in the world of retail there are better alternatives.

My next retail stop. Bluenotes, where everyone who worked there was between 18-20 (I was 23) and my managers were my age. It always bothered me that the managers were my age and couldn’t understand my lack of enthusiasm when peddling deals like t-shirts 2 for $20 or about folding millions of graphic tee’s with phrases like “naughty girl” and sparkles on them. One girl I used to work with was all about working her way up in the Bluenotes family at the ripe age of 23. She’d also wish for something ‘exciting’ to happen in her life like marriage or pregnancy, so maybe she was exactly where she wanted to be?

My internship at CityLine was awesome; I really believe it changed my life. However, not getting paid for 4 months was not the greatest thing - but you make do to get where you want to be in life. I realized quickly in an industry where some people don’t know your name, or making a point of telling you that they in fact never plan on learning it, that you have to take the bad with the good. With that experience and my first insight into television, I decided I wouldn’t forget (if I make the big bucks I like to dream of) to appreciate the people I work with down to the coffee runners (as I was one) and to remember their names! I like to believe in karma and hope those who forget what it’s like to be an intern will be harshly reminded one day.

Which brings me to my current job. The Library. This surprisingly is the job that has been the most indicative of what I don’t want for my adult future (should I ever start to consider myself an adult, lol). I don’t want a standard 9-5 job; I don’t want to be part of the shuffled herd of the rush hour GO train. I don’t want to work an unchallenging, mindless job that I don’t care about. I don’t want to talk shit behind my fellow employees backs then turn around and give them a big fake smile afterwards. But there is a woman I work with who spends the ENTIRE workday talking about herself. When her pets are sick, she sends building wide email updates. It’s worst when you actually know this lady, I assure you. So maybe the best way to figure out who you want to be is figuring out who and what you don’t want to be? Maybe this isn’t the case for everyone, but it’s does seem to be in my case.

Speaking of jobs! I got my official hiring e-mail for the Beijing Olympics, it’s really happening! It’s as follows:

Congratulations！
This email is to let you know that we will be hiring you to work for us during the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. We will be sending you a letter in January that will let you know your work dates and how much you will be paid.
Please keep in mind that this is not a volunteer position. You will be part of our paid staff here at BOB. We look forward to working with you at the Olympics!

I wonder what crazy realization I’ll get from this job; I’m really looking forward to finding out. Although I’m still having a hard time picturing myself in China. It just seems too crazy.

2007-11-26T19:56:00.000-05:00

"In the stick count for the song with knowing you're gone, glancing up at where you lived when you lived here. I see you suddenly alive and nearly smiling, stop and hold my breath and watch the way we used to be…The full moon makes our faces shine like over-ironed polyester, then disappears behind the clouds, and leaves me under empty rows of night windows…"

I don’t know what’s up with me, maybe I’m having a quarter life crisis or something. I’m feeling really antsy and unsure these days, and I don’t like it. I guess it’s stemming from some uncertainty I’ve been facing in my professional and personal life.

Recently after a long time on the bench (gotta love a good baseball analogy) I got back into the dating scene. Long story short, and without sounding too emo, it didn’t quite work out. But it made me realize that maybe I’ve been hiding out too much, telling myself I didn’t want a relationship but realizing that I do. I mean, who wants to be that older lady on the GO train choosing between two pre-packaged meals for one (seriously, I saw her today; it scared the hell out of me!) So while I’d like to sit back and hope for the best, I guess it’s not very realistic to think that way, and there are some nice people to meet. I mean the guy himself was nice and I was glad to get to know him, but here’s where I always seem to run into trouble. When you date someone, no matter how long the time frame, you spend quite a bit of time getting to know the person. But when things don’t work, for whatever reason, are you supposed to just go on pretending that person doesn’t exist and forget everything that made you want to get to know them in the first place? Maybe I’m incapable of letting go of people, that’s definitely something I’ve wondered about myself for a long time. I don’t know, I just feel like you get gipped or something.

Also, in terms of ‘profession,’ I’ve come to terms with the fact I hate my job as an illustrious library assistant. If it weren’t for the prospect of Beijing in August, I think I may have harmed myself or others by now. Ok, not realllly but it’s so boring! I can’t stand the boredom. I know I shouldn’t complain that some people are unemployed, in poverty, have it worst than me, etc etc but just allow me this small moment in this self made venue to vent a little. I need it so. I’ve started looking into taking a night or online class, but with student loans and bills and stuff I can’t really afford it. Basically during the week I spend 8 hours a day at work, 3-4 commuting and then I come home and wait around to do it all again and I hate it. I feel like I’m in a rutt and I don’t know how to get out of it. In all seriousness if anyone had some weekend or post-work suggestions for time wasting at a cheap rate, I’d welcome them. I’m feeling a little lost and I’ll take all the help I can get. :)

2007-11-17T13:08:00.001-05:00

"Will I ever get to, to where it is that I've been going? Will I ever follow through with what I, with what I have planned? I guess it´s possible that I have been a bit distracted, and the directions for me are a lot less in demand, in demand..."

Things lately have been pretty good, I must say. While I’m still dwelling in the basement work-wise, I’m starting to feel better about it. Even though Beijing won’t be my method of escape until August, it’s nice to know it’s out there. I may even try to escape the basement to something else before that, but I know I won’t be stuck here forever, and it’s helping me get some of my debt paid, nothing wrong with that.

Beijing still seems like a situation I can’t quite pull into reality. It’s a fantasy opportunity that I never thought I’d get and still don’t believe. I never thought I wanted to get out of television, but in the last few weeks I suppose I have started to doubt my abilities and worth for such a large industry in which I have such little experience. But yesterday, I took my Mom and sister to be part of the audience for CityLine (my old internship) with tickets I had requested months ago, and I’m so glad I went. Seeing all the people I used to work with and even watching the show being put together reminded me of how much I loved it there (despite it’s lack of monetary payment, lol). The people are amazing and the atmosphere is unlike any other I’ve worked in, I guess it just helped me see that I can’t give up.

I know I often use this method as an outlet for expressing my anger or complaints, but I guess I’m take an unchartered route into optimism. I just feel like there are still a lot of possibilities, and I like that everything isn’t decided for me already. I’m not ready for a certain schedule of a certain job everyday with a husband and kids, and I’m definitely not knocking those who are. I know eventually I’d like to go that route but I just think it’ll take me a while to get there.

In two weeks I’ll turn 24, and I’m really looking forward to getting out with my best ladies and gentlemen, the people in my life who really matter, and celebrating. I’ve been asking myself if I’m where I expected to be life-wise at the age of 24 and I can’t decide, but I think I’m doing pretty good so far.

2007-11-07T22:06:00.001-05:00

Saturday morning 2:30am I meet up with my friend and former co-worker Christina for our adventure to New York. 5:30am we’re at the Buffalo airport on a flight to New York. Her on no sleep, me on about 5 hours. Our eyes are burning, but we’re going to New York!

We get to New York early Saturday morning and take the world’s longest subway ride to our hotel. Ditch our bags, and head out. Times Square, first stop: the TV/Movies tour with our (hot) tour guide, Brian. We see sites like the front of the Friends apartment building, to the front of the Huxtable house. While on the tour a girl on our bus yelled and pointed out Ethan Hawke walking down the street with his son and his dog. We all stared and took pictures, and he waved awkwardly. I felt bad for lurking him, but I guess that’s what’s normal in New York? I don’t know.

Later that night, we thought we’d see what we could find for a Broadway show, and Christina made the best find. We’d never heard of the Farnsworth Invention, but it had two important, decision-making factors: Hank Azaria, and it was about television. Being big TV nerds by profession and interest, we went. It was awesome, and afterwards we saw Hank Azaria outside. We got his autograph and we told him we knew all about the stuff in the play because we work in and went to school for television, hence the “Wow you guys really ARE nerds.” Oh Hank Azaria.

The next day we went on the NBC Tour and spent way too much money in the NBC Experience store. On the tour we saw and sat in the studios for SNL and Conan. I was excited to see the studio was small so there wouldn’t be a bad seat in the house for Conan. That is until, I find out, seeing the studio will only be a precursor cock tease to the writer’s strike, and my inability to see Conan, this not fulfilling my life dream, re-iterating the existence of the widely believed McBride curse, and making me very very sad. I can’t even begin to imagine the ramifications if this strike lasts as long as the one in 1988 (about 5 months), it’s going to totally change American TV, making it much much worse, I’m sure.

However, in my melancholy state I must say that Christina was very sympathetic to my pain and incredibly helpful in getting my mind off the strike, mostly by shopping (which she hates, so I extra appreciated it). While shopping we passed Chris Daughtry (American Idol, Daughtry) on the street. Crazy right? After too much shopping and money spent, we went to the big Apple store, down to Central Park, Radio City Music Hall, Trump Tower, and cool places like that.

On Monday, without the Conan experience we went down to Battery Park to see the Statue of Liberty and walk around. We also went to the Stock Exchange and the World Trade Center. They are doing a lot of construction by the Trade Center right now. Later that night I FINALLY got to see a movie I’ve been waiting forever to see, Into the Wild. So good, the book is good, the movie’s good. Read it, then go see it. You heard it here first.

Tuesday was our last day in the big city. We started off the day on the Sex and the City tour. More props to Christina for letting me drag her on this one as well. We went to places like the Magnolia bakery, Carrie’s front stoop, Aidan and Steve’s bar, etc. But by FAR the highlight came at the end of the tour. The spot the bus dropped us off at was literally down the street from where the Sex and the City ladies were currently filming scenes for the new movie. I was very lamely ecstatic. Now we were across the street, but we DID see all four ladies decked out in New York’s finest fashions replicating a scene from New York Fashion Week (that isn’t actually going no right now). They had fake snow and Samantha had blood thrown on her fur coat from a fur protestor. That’s all I know, but it was pretty excellent.

After that, a little more shopping and a long way home brought me back home last night and to work today. Upon coming home I did manage to find out I should be in Beijing for about a month. I’m still waiting for many many more details. Stay tuned.

2007-10-29T13:24:00.000-04:00

"I’ve found it hard to say to you that this is what I have to do, but there is no way that I’m gonna stay. There are so many things you need to know, and I wanna tell you before I go
but its hard to think of just what to say. I’m gonna pick it up, I’m gonna pick it up today,
I’m bound pack it up, I’m bound pack it up and go away..."

Things are happening. My life is changing. I know it’s true but yet find it increasingly difficult to believe. As most people have probably heard by now, (as I’ve been exclaiming it from the rooftops), I will be hired on to work as part of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This is based solely on the fact that my Uncle has massive influence there and not at all based on my skills, but who cares? How often does a person get to a) go to China and b) see the Olympics take place? Never mind both at the same time! I do wish I had details though; right now all I know is at some point I’ll be going. It would be nice to know when I should be packing my bags and leaving the country, but never the less, it’s crazy and exciting.

Speaking of exciting, the adventure to New York is coming, only 5 more days left before Christina and I take the trip. I can’t wait. Again, I know it’s happening but I still have a hard time processing that I’ll actually get the chance to do it. Suddenly life seems full of endless possibilities of traveling to new places, and making new friends, something I’ve wanted for a very long time.

I’m just really happy with how things are going, which is something for a while I’d been missing. I think moving home was the right decision too. Granted the commute is long and kind of balls, but in the long run I think I’m actually a lot happier making attempts to substantially pay back my loans that it trumps the fact I’m almost 24 and still living with my parents.

2007-10-10T15:26:00.001-04:00

"Streets slow down and ice over, dusk comes on and I struggle to stop, to stop to stop thinking of you, in civil twilight...Hey, every other hour I pass that house,
where you told me that you had to go, I wonder if the landlord has fixed the crack,
That I stared at, instead of staring back at you..."

I’ve been feeling pretty good about life these days. Last weekend I went to a gathering in celebration of my dear friend Mel’s 24th birthday and many good people were there, and good times had. I think the sudden change in mood was having such a nice evening combined with my upcoming trip to New York on the horizon. I’ve never been to New York and have always wanted to go. It was one of those things that you always talk about to friends but think, just like all of the other silly things you talk about, will never actually happen. But not this time! My lovely friend Christina and I are embarking for the big city at the beginning of next month and I cannot wait to get there. Not only are we going to New York, but while there we are doing the single most fantastic thing one can do in New York: attend a taping of Late Night with Conan O’Brien! It has long been a life dream of mine to see Conan live and in person and after calling a few thousand (ok now a thousand, but quite a few!) days in a row for the tickets on the date of our trip to be released, I finally got them! Who knew it was so easy? Now we have the tickets, the hotel booked and our flight scheduled – it’s all set.

Another thing I’m always happy to have is good music, and some really good bands have put out excellent albums as of late. In the last few weeks I’ve been back and forth listening to the new Foo Fighters album, Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace as well as the Weakerthans, Reunion Tour. I’ve also been listening to an older release, the latest album from Silverchair, Young Modern – but I can’t quite decide how I feel about it. Some songs I find pretty catchy, others I think are kind of ridiculous. I haven’t reached a final decision just yet. But, if you’re a fan of the Foo’s or the Weakerthans - you should already have these albums! If you don’t, go get them now! You won’t be disappointed. On a side note of older releases, I still haven’t been able to stop listening to this year’s the White Stripes release, Icky Thump. I love love love it. You’re doing yourself a great disservice if you don’t own, or at least have listened to this album. And while I’m making musical recommendations, you should also pick up Live by City and Colour. It doesn’t do justice to actually seeing Dallas Green live, which is mind-blowingly amazing.

2007-10-01T22:07:00.000-04:00

So last week I moved home, I’m officially more lame than I already was. I’ve been working the evening shift at CBC all week, and it’s a lot of alone time in the basement after hours. I’ve found myself in need of some sort of activity to pass the time. This whole, no more school, no homework thing has me out of sorts. I’ve always had something to read, write, worry about – but now, nothing! I’ve been reading books by choice instead of by scholarly obligation, which is a really nice change of pace, but still I feel like I have so much time and nothing to do with it. This would probably be the time taking a night class or having one of those boyfriends, would be convenient. But alas, my work schedule rotation prevents me from signing up for anything. And the guy thing...well………that’s a work in progress. Until then, I’m open to suggestions.

2007-09-17T11:12:00.001-04:00

"So let's face it this was never what you wanted. But I know it's fun to pretend, now blank stares and empty threats, are all I have, they're all I have..."

Thursday night my sister and I went to the Danforth Music Hall to see City and Colour (Dallas Green of Alexisonfire’s solo act). It was one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to. We were lucky enough to be in the third row on the floor of the small theatre, but truly there wasn’t a bad seat in the house, and it wasn’t a fancy show of lights and effects, that’s not his style. It was an honest, low maintenance performance reflective of Dallas’ character. It was mainly Dallas and his guitar. There were a few times when he had drums and bass to back him (2 members of Attack in Black who opened the show, who knew they were in City and Colour as well?) He’d crack a few jokes, tune his guitar and almost effortlessly unleash such a powerful voice upon us. I was blown away; I could have listened to his voice for hours. I’m so glad I was able to see such a great, bare bones show. Free from rocker ego, pyrotechnics and hype. I think this kind of show can only be pulled off by true artists.

As for other aspects of my life, it looks like the move is on. I will either be moving elsewhere in Toronto or home to Hamilton by months end. I am seeing one more apartment today, and if that doesn’t work out I will go back to Hamilton in an attempt to save money and pay off the enormous debts I’ve accumulated during my 5 years of education. This will make for one awful commute, but such is life I suppose. Going home would also help me in saving money for my prospective trip to China next summer. However, this trip is not guaranteed and would make my life much easier if I knew for sure, but where would be the fun in that right? The guessing in my future work life continues, stay tuned…

2007-09-09T21:15:00.001-04:00

"Please don't let this turn into something it's not, I can only give you everything I've got I can't be as sorry as you think I should. But I still love you more than anyone else could..."

I’ve been feeling really alone lately. This may be because in fact, I have been physically alone a lot lately. I’m currently sitting in the basement of the CBC working the night shift by myself, thinking about things. Thinking is always trouble for me; it causes worrying and other unfortunate conclusions.

I thought that once I got a full time job my life would come together. I would be content, settled or something like that. But in truth I’ve never felt more alone than I have these passed 2 weeks. Having only limited time to make a move to Toronto I’m living with a girl who was a stranger to me beforehand. I had hoped we’d get to know each other and become friends, but it hasn’t really gone that way. I mean she’s nice enough, but she makes me feel like a guest in her apartment rather than her roommate. She won’t let me have any of my stuff out/around to make it feel like my own. Everything of mine is tucked in a cupboard or in a corner, while her things are prominently displayed. If I attempt to move my items, she moves them back. Needless to say I’m feeling less than welcome, and it doesn’t feel like my home.

As for the new job, that’s not too bad. It’s mostly busy work and can be slow at times, but my fellow basement dwelling employees are all many years older (and some more bitter) than I. I’m lacking any allies or new friends that I was hoping to make. Sun TV was full of funny, sarcastic people my age, and I miss it there. I was only there for 3 weeks and if the job had been full time I would have wanted to stay. I worked in a computer lab with two of the biggest Star Trek nerds on this earth, and I miss them.

There are a few remarkable friends that I can always rely on; one in particular has been listening to my concerns a lot lately and I’d have most certainly lost my mind by now without her. But I do feel as though I have few friends to come by as of late. I’m not sure why that is or how it happened. I haven’t heard from one of my best friends in over two weeks, despite my many attempts to contact her. I ache to tell her the misgivings and uncertainties I’m currently feeling in my life, and hear about her own, if only I could get in touch with her… we could use our sarcasm and humour to reassure one another as always. I’ve never lived so far from my closest friends before, and I feel literally out of place with out them. I’ve spent most of my life with strong friendships while boyfriends have come and gone. But now with this feeling of losing some friends as well, I’ve never felt more alone. I’m no different from everyone else in the way that I wish I had some fantastic boyfriend who I could voice my fears to and he reassure me it’ll all work out. I wish I lived in a place that was my home and not someone else’s. I wish I wasn’t always by myself.

2007-09-02T11:59:00.000-04:00

“The ride's over. Did you enjoy yourself? The ride's over. Fairing well?! The ride's over. Did you enjoy yourself? The ride's over. Fairing well? Not on my time…”

Friday marked the end of my summer. My four months of CityLine ended. Four months of seeing the same faces, taking part in a live program, and making new friends. Getting up at 6am during summer wasn’t always the most fun, but I really felt at home there. By far the best part about it was the women in the office, especially the floor director extraordinaire, Kathy. Not only did she know every answer to every question I ever had, she was always incredibly sweet and kind, never losing her patience. As I started to look for jobs in my field she reminded me to be confident and told me I had a lot to offer. It was much needed. It was the first time in a while I’d been reminded I actually had things to offer, and it’s not that I thought I was useless by any means, but some times it’s nice to be reminded and to know that someone else thinks so too.

Being at CityLine, and the opportunities that came from it, I began to feel more confident that I belong in television. Walking through the busy atmosphere of the MMVA’s, watching it all take place was an awe-striking experience. But I really knew I was home with television on Thursday night. I was lucky enough to watch the Bravo! Live at the Rehearsal Hall taping of Rufus Wainwright. It was awesome, his voice commands your attention and seems to fill the room with what appears to be minimal effort. Watching the lighting, the director’s instructions in my headset and the extremely talented performance I looked around and felt like I was a tiny part in something much greater than me. But I felt like, if I could even be a tiny part of something like that, I was very lucky. I want to help create television, play a part in making it in any way I can. I’m confident I can grow in this industry and do something meaningful, and I’ve honestly never felt that confident about much of anything before. Maybe it was being part of the live productions this passed year, maybe it was Kathy and the other women in my office who had faith in me when my own faith in myself was faulty, I can’t be sure.

I never ever thought I’d get a job right out of school, when I got the part time job at Sun TV I met some really awesome people who care about their jobs and have a great sense of humour and I felt lucky to find something, even if it was only part time, that I felt I could fit in to. I am a bit sad I didn’t get to stay there longer, let the people I worked with the passed 3 weeks really get to know me, but if I’ve learned anything from people so far it’s that the industry is tiny and I will more than likely cross paths with some of them again, and I sincerely hope I do…as corny as that may sound (and I’m sure it does).

I’m a bit nervous to start my CBC job on Tuesday. Honestly I never thought I’d ever work there. There’s an air of importance around it, and I always considered myself to be more laid back. But things are definitely happening. I got a job right out of school; I still cannot at all believe that. There’s also a possibility I might get to work the Beijing Olympics next summer, I can’t even begin to imagine who amazing that opportunity would be, not to mention the doors it could open while I further my experience in the industry. One thing is for certain, next summer my Uncle is getting married in Greece and I am going to be there. Whether I set off on a plane from Beijing to Greece and be a jet setter, (I currently don’t even have a passport), or coming from home where I’m working hard at CBC or otherwise, I have a lot in the next year to look forward to and I’m so excited.

2007-08-20T01:20:00.000-04:00

"When the lights come on this whole place gets ugly. But when they’re out, strangers fall in love. She could never say that flat out she don’t want me. ‘Cause I could never say that halfway ain’t enough..."

Last night I hung out with one of my best ladies, Ms. Dana Williams. She and I had decided earlier in the week that we simply must see the new Judd Apatow flick, Super Bad. I was a bit skeptical to see this movie after watching Knocked Up and not enjoying it all that much. We met up yesterday for a delicious, diet-be-damned meal of burgers and fries before heading out to Ancaster to purchase our tickets. We got to the theatre relatively early and immediately sought out the air hockey table. The rivalry continues. Dana and I have had a long-standing competition of air hockey, which originates a few years back. Normally
Dana pulls out the magic and wins the bragging rights, but last night was my night for victory. I scored the winning point of a tight, tie game! Once I bragged and strutted for a moment we moved onto Bust a Move and a racing game. We stock piled our junk food and filed into the theatre, spending the next 2 hours laughing our asses off at the crude and awesome dialogue and crazy antics of Super Bad. Seriously, go see this movie! Actually, I want to see it again so if you’re looking for someone to go with, ask me! On the way home, after reciting movie lines and laughing at the ridiculous jokes, it occurred to me that Dana and I spent the night doing the activities of 15-year-old boys. We always joke around about our single status’, seriously, what boy wouldn’t want to spend their Saturday night with us?

2007-08-10T19:48:00.000-04:00

"Picture yourself sleeping on a plane there's something ticking in the overhead
and inside your brains, there's bodies in the water and bodies in your basement, if heaven's for clean people it's vacant...and hey! are you are you are you are you you know? and hey! are you are you are you are you being careful? and hey! are you are you are you are you luke warm? Hey! ya you are I'm frantic! so load me up whatever puts me all the way out whatever puts me all the way out..."

So I’m having a horrible day, and I thought you would appreciate hearing the events. It started normally, Friday at CityLine when fortune smiled upon me and I was allowed to go home early. I can beat traffic I thought! Wrong. There was an accident and it took me over an hour to get home. Ok not so bad, things happen, I can deal with it. I’m text messaging my good friend Mel to pass the time when I decide to empty my text message box. My phone freezes, I take out the battery and try to turn it back on and it won’t pass the welcome screen. I believe this would be the point when I yelled “fuck!” several times out loud with great emphasis. So I continue to

sit in traffic with my broken cell phone and decide to clean my windows. The wiper fluid comes on but the wipers don’t move. Let me preface this by saying, my car is a 2007 Ford Focus, I took it in 2 weeks prior to fix the wipers because they were sporadically not working. I go to the dealership to pick it up and they still don’t work, they fix them again. So you can imagine how happy I was to discover a mere few weeks later, they no longer work again. I continue to drive in bumper to bumper traffic and wait for the wiper fluid to dry so I can see where I’m going. Once I do, I tried to get in the right lane but couldn’t and let the guy to my right pass, the guy behind him gives me the middle finger and the crazy sign (where someone puts their finger to their temple and makes a circular motion, just in case you aren’t familiar). Why ? Couldn’t tell ya. I take my phone to Telus and ask for help. I think I get some good news; my phone is still covered under warranty. Oh but guess what? That doesn’t matter, my phone has to be shipped out for 2-3 weeks and all my phone info is now lost. Great. If they decide that the phone breaking was my fault, they can give me a cost estimate or I can buy a new phone. So someone PLEASE tell me what this supposed warranty gets me besides f’d in the a. This is all in combination with the fact I have 2 weeks to decide whether to move to Hamilton or Toronto and there are equal pros and cons for both, not to mention the fact I have no where/one to live in Toronto with. I finally got a part time job in my field, which I’m ecstatic about, but it’s being over shadowed by all the stress of trying to figure out living, and money I don’t have. I feel like I’m suffocating under the weight of all the debt I owe. Balllllls!

2007-07-31T23:04:00.000-04:00

"I saw you standing in the corner, on the edge of a burning light. I saw you standing in the corner, come to me again in the cold cold night, in the cold cold night..."

As my past few blogs have indicated, I’ve been feeling weighed down by the impending end of my internship with no luck on the job front so far. I’ve been thinking and worrying and applying everyday all day for the last few weeks and I need to relax. I know this, but it’s hard to do. I want to let my hair down, have fun, be spontaneous and remember what summer is supposed to feel like, and if I find a handsome man to do this with, all the better, haha. Seriously though, I’ve always been the worrying type

and I feel like I’ve been carrying a weight around, a weight of uncertainty and fear, I just want to get rid of it. I know the old saying is, you can’t run away from your problems, but can you take a vacation from them? Who wants to go with me?

2007-07-25T16:29:00.001-04:00

I have never felt more lost in my life. It’s scary to type those words because it makes me realize how true they are. Everything about my future seems so uncertain and out of my hands, it’s consuming my every thought. I wish someone had told me that four years of university and a year of college plus four months of working for free at an internship would mean absolutely nothing to prospective employers.

August is next week and at the end of the month everything becomes so unclear. I will no longer have my place in Oakville (despite the fact I don’t actually like/know the people I live with, it will still mean the end of not living at home), my internship will be over and I have no plan. I’ve never not had a plan. I have applied for every media job on the job websites and in my office that I can find, have asked almost every person I could think of for help and advice and still I am no closer to an answer.

To make matters worse, my father, whose heart is in the right place keeps asking me questions about what I’m going to do and to have no answer for him. I’m sure it’s as frustrating for him as it is for me. I owe him money, I owe OSAP money, I owe my line of credit, my credit card, the world money but have none to give.

My internship has been great and I’ve been fortunate to do a bunch of things that I wouldn’t have otherwise had the opportunity to take part in and have met some people I truly appreciate, which makes me feel lucky. But my bills keep piling up and I can’t pay them, I thought by the time I turned 24 (which is in a few months) I’d at least have started on my way on a solid career path not considering the possibility of having to surrender myself to yet another no-respect, part time job while I live with my parents to pay off my major debt I’ve collected for school that apparently has not benefited me in the least because I am unemployable. All the while arguing with my parents over things like where we’re going to store my bed and which room to put the treadmill in, because my moving home is an intrusion on my parents lives even though they try to pretend it isn’t. I feel unwanted in their house, as unwanted as I feel by the employers out there. I know my parents will take me back and don’t mean to make me feel this way but I can hardly blame them, I’m 23 and I only just moved out – I shouldn’t be coming back, I’m an adult…apparently.

2007-07-11T16:29:00.000-04:00

"I've been thinkin'of a little place down by the lake, they got a dirty old road leading up to the house, I wonder how long it will take till we're alone, sittin on the front porch of that home, stompin' our feet on the wooden boards, never gotta worry 'bout lockin' the door...

Well, it's 1-2-3-4 take the elevator at the Hotel Yorba I'll be glad to see ya later
all they got inside is vacancy..."

I’ve wanted to write something since Saturday night when I saw one of the best concerts to date: the White Stripes. Scoff or insult if you will, (and I’ll still think you’re wrong) Jack and Meg White know how to rock a show. From the deep red back drops and instruments to the two hour pure rock show, it was without a doubt, one of my top 5 concerts all time, possibly number 2 (nothing beats Incubus!) Only Jack White can strut his stuff on stage in red pants while making his guitar skills look effortless. Amazing.

The reason its taken me so long to write anything (I’m sure everyone’s just been dying for something new - haha) is due to my exceedingly heavy workload this week. Having worked the morning after the concert and all day at Bluenotes and carrying into the week back to back CityLine and Bluenotes, I’ve literally been able to catch up on some much needed hours. Work is also preventing me from seeing the new Harry Potter movie, which hurts my heart but I’m hoping to rectify this weekend. I’ve never lived for the weekends as much as I seem to these days. I have this unfortunate feeling that the summer will be here and gone before I even get a chance to enjoy it. Being poor and working 2 jobs (oh the irony!), seems to be preventing me from the drunken all-night swim-all day times passed.

I’d feel all of these things were worth sacrificing however, if I could guarantee an upcoming position of employment. Sadly this is not so. I’m trying to be optimistic and think that before August 31st comes I will be in a better situation, but I find this belief wavering. Since last voicing my fears of never getting a job in my field, working in retail forever and sucking in general, I have made some efforts to prevent such a horrible fate. Resumes and cover letters have been updated and started to go out, now I cross my fingers and pray for a miracle.

2007-07-01T02:58:00.000-04:00

“Bones sinking like stones, all that we've fought for, homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for. And we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do, we live in a beautiful world...”

August 31st is coming. Lately I’ve found myself unable to think of anything else but this very day. I’ve always considered myself organized, a planner. I’ve rarely done anything whether it be school, job, etc without knowing my next move. This is why August 31st is causing me so much anxiety; it is the day everything literally changes. It is the last day of my four month internship at CityLine. It is the last day of my lease in my Oakville student house, and may be the end of my living parent free for an indefinite time. Since I will no longer have school in or be living in Oakville, it will also most likely be the end of my part time job at Bluenotes. Let’s review: no job, no internship, no place to live (parent-free). Insert panic here. I have to pack up and move home unless I can find a job in my field by then.

This brings the horrible questions like: what will I do if I don’t find a job in my field right away? Will I have to get yet another part time soul sucking, life hating retail job? How will I be able to move back under the obsessive thumb of my mother after having been free for a year? How will I ever begin to pay off the millions upon millions of dollars in debt that I owe? Annnnd here come the questions. Now you may think this is too early for me to be worrying, after all I still have about two months before this all takes place.

But lately anyone I seem to catch up with, friends, family, fellow employees, hobos on the street (ok maybe I’m exaggerating on that last one) without fail, seem to be asking me the dreaded question: “so do you think they’ll hire you after your internship” and/or “what are you going to do when you finish?” I can honestly say I never thought I’d find a question I hated more than “Are you seeing anybody new?/Do you have a boyfriend?” Which is most unfortunate, but this seems to be the new inescapable question.

For those of you that may not have heard, CityLine is facing a somewhat uncertain future now that Rogers and CTV have purchased Chum and City,the Queen St building is being split apart, which has never happened before. CityTV will be on its way out of the building. Marilyn Denis now works for conflicting companies with her Chum radio station and CityTV based television show. The future of CityLine is in the air and certainly a lot is changing. Eventually when its all said and done I’m sure there will be potential job opportunities at Rogers and CTV, but with all of that not actually taking place for quite some time and no guarantees I’m back to checking the job board praying for a miracle. Who wants to pray for me?

2007-06-21T06:49:00.001-04:00

"Fergalicious (so delicious)but I ain't promiscuous and if you are suspicious all that shit is fictitious, I blow kisses, that puts them boys on rock, rock and they be lining down the block just to watch what I got. So delicious (It's hot, hot), so delicious (I put them boys on rock, rock), so delicious (they wanna slice of what I got), I'm fergalicious (t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty)"
--Normally I'd never choose lyrics even close to this but this is literally the song I heard everywhere and anywhere I was, all weekend --

As many of you may know (because I’ve been telling anyone who will listen, haha), this year I had the opportunity to be part of the 2007 Much Music Video Awards (aka the MMVA’s). I volunteered as a wrangler, which means you’re responsible for whatever person they assign you to. You have to make sure they are at the right location at the right time, for presenting, accepting awards, people performing, etc etc. Saturday I showed up in the afternoon for rehearsal and a bunch of us were in the “pool.” Basically we had no people to wrangle, so we had to wear the headsets and walk the grounds doing what we wanted until they called and said we were needed. We also had the coveted purple wristbands that provided us all access to the building, so nothing to do except whatever I wanted, I was pretty happy. Later in the evening they needed a wrangler for a stand in spot, I volunteered. The Much VJ Leah Miller and Chris Bosh of the Raptors were set to announce the winner of the Much Vibe Best Rap Video. The presenters didn’t need to come to rehearsals so I stood in next to Leah as Chris Bosh, lol. Leah spent the waiting time texting and I noticed her phone screen had Dallas Green’s face as her wallpaper. The fact that they’re together hurts my heart. He’s so talented and awesome and I’m jealous I admit it. He stuck around after the band left Saturday night to stay with her and cute things like that.
Aside from that, I spent the day back and forth between the different stages when different bands were rehearsing. I was kicking myself on Saturday because I forgot my damn camera, but luckily they did it all again on Sunday during the day, so I got to take some amazing pictures  I also met some other wranglers closer to my age who work in the building. Some of them were former interns and were really nice. I really love working in the Chum building as it is, but getting to spend it seeing cool bands, celebrities and hanging with some cool people while being considered a form of “work” is crazy. It really solidified for me that this is the industry I want to work in. Also on Saturday while I was watching Alexisonfire, they sang Boiled Frogs (even though they technically weren’t supposed to) it was excellent.

On Sunday I arrived at noon to wrangle Kevin DeFreitas the winning director of Best Pop Video. I stood in for his award and walked the stage ramp, which was pretty cool. Then I walked around watching more rehearsals. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see Finger Eleven’s rehearsal because they were on the roof, but Saturday night while they rehearsed they put it up on the big stage screens and we got to watch that way. They were amazing and the roof set up was so well done. That night everyone fancied up and waited for the people they were wrangling to show up. While we waited a bunch of celebrities walked by us, but unfortunately they were so close to us that I couldn’t take pictures without it looking intrusive and awkward. I saw:

Emilie DeRavin (from Lost) – she cut her hair off, still gorgeous!
Amber Tambilyn
Sum 41
Kenny and Spenny – Kenny looked kinda old
George (some R&B guy)
Joss Stone
Kardinal Offishall (Canadian rapper)
Genie Backer (from Fashion Television and Canada’s Next Top Model, she looked under fed and doped up)

Later in the evening we walked the parties in the building. I passed Jay Manuel and Nole Marin from the Top Model shows on the stairs and Nickelback passed us on their way out to the stage. At the second floor party we saw Ben Mulroney, and George Stroumboulopoulos. One of my TVA friends I’ve made, Christina has worked for the CBC and knows George rather well, so she helped me “friendly stalk” (as I like to call it), him down and get my picture taken. He was as nice as he always is. He’s like “Hi I’m George” like I didn’t know! Christina took our picture and he said it was a pleasure meeting me, and then in my ear said “Thanks for being so sweet to me.” Now I realize that he is by nature nice to everyone and has a certain image to uphold, but that aside, I was a happy happy girl.

The food was hilarious and unclassy but good. They served what I believe people secretly want to eat anyway: mini grilled cheese, mini hamburgers, mini poutine complete with mini container, soft serve ice cream, and mini chicken skewers. They served a drink called the Smashed up Guitar which was vodka, peach and lemon juice, I’m not sure what else. So good!

There were a few high maintenance stars as well. The Used was the worst, I felt sorry for their wrangler. Saturday we weren’t licensed for alcohol so they left before their rehearsal and went down to the Firkin Pub while they were supposed to be on stage. Sunday they wanted beer when we weren’t licensed until the evening, they wanted a single apple for my guess, a bong and then Bert wanted a mustache trimmer to shave before the show. Wouldn’t you have a razor or whatever of your own? I don’t know, then they brought some weird guys with huge costume heads and no one could find where they went, etc. I just felt they had a lot of antics. Maroon 5 also had a bit of diva behaviour. Someone changed the line that Leah was going to say while chatting with Maroon 5 and they demanded it be changed or else they refused to take part in it. Adam Levine the lead singer also said it couldn’t be a line about women or fashion. I guess he wanted to be taken seriously as an artist? Buuuut he’s in Maroon 5, that’s all I’m saying.

Well I think those are the highlights, I really had the best time and I hope like crazy I get the chance to work within the Chum building after my internship ends. People keep your fingers crossed for me!

2007-06-11T12:43:00.000-04:00

"There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever not for better, some have gone and some remain. All these places had their moments, with lovers and friends, I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living, in my life I've loved them all..."

It’s becomes a busy summer, which has meant less time for blogging. However, fortunate to have today off I thought it was time to get back to it. Working two jobs makes for a busy summer, but I’m still having a really good time. CityLine is going really well, and I really like the people there, like any job there are a few intimidating people, but that’s to be expected.

Bluenotes however, is starting to make me angry (aside from the fact that most retail jobs are a pain in the ass). We recently moved to a store about three times the size of our original. Not only that, but the store now looks exactly like a mock up of American Eagle just not as expensive. With a bigger store, comes a new manager because apparently the one we have does not have enough experience to run this one. I’m not sure if I quite buy this reasoning but I digress. It hasn’t even been a week since she took over and it’s already frustrating. Now I admit, I’ve had a confusing schedule. I booked off yesterday to attend a wedding of a good friend and I booked next weekend off to work the Much Music Video Awards. I mean, come on! That’s a once in a life time opportunity and with the ownership of CityTV up in the air like it is, the Awards (if still existent) could be very different come next year. The point is, I booked it off in the book, told her I booked it off and she still scheduled me for every one of those days. Also, now that our store is larger everyone’s got that crazy mentality of the iron fist, all work and no play while working that I became acquainted with from my days at Canadian Tire. Not that I obeyed it then, as Dana, Amanda and Brent well know and luckily I’ll only need this job for another 2 ½ months tops, so it’ll be interesting to see how that all goes.

I had a really great time this weekend. Usually I’m not the type to go on about how fantastic certain days/weeks are, but I was pleasantly surprised by this one, which is what I think made it so good. Friday night I dragged Amanda to Slainte which isn’t her first choice of places to attend, but I appreciated. Dana joined us as well for some drinks and some girl talk. Chris Chambers was playing with the band, Matt Danko working behind the bar. Lots of good friends. Saturday was really great. I had dinner/drinks with Brent who I hadn’t seen in a long time. You never know how it’ll be when you see someone and it’s been a while, but I really had a lot of fun (no one tell him that, lol). That night Steph, Morgan and I celebrated the monumental tradition of June 9th. We had drinks and good conversation in Morgan’s big back yard. With 2 jobs and not living in Hamilton I hadn’t seen them as recently as I would have liked, and I was really glad we had such a classic reason to get together and make the most of it.

Last night, with Dana as my date I went to my first Jewish wedding of a good friend of mine. It was a beautiful ceremony, the bride looked amazing and they both looked so happy. Normally I would peg myself as too cynical to think that two people ‘belonged together’ but I feel fairly confident in saying that they do. He even wowed the guests by showing off his guitar skills on stage with the band, and for a relatively shy person like he is, it was really cute. Dana and I were fairly convinced we were the only two single people there, and I had an odd encounter with a lady in the bathroom telling me of her boyfriend troubles. But that aside we drank, celebrated and danced.I can’t wait to take them out post honeymoon for some drinks and get to know this bride better, lol.

Back to work tomorrow, but I think this weekend has put me in a great mood to battle out the rest of the week. Next weekend I work all weekend at the MMVA’s but I think it’ll be exciting, here’s hoping!

2007-05-14T19:28:00.000-04:00

"You’ll be loved, you’ll be loved. Like you never have known. And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. Just a series of blurs like I never occurred. Someday you will be loved."

So week 2 of my internship at CityLine is underway, and it’s been going pretty well so far. I feel like I’ve been very fortunate to work alongside people who are genuinely nice and considerate. They don’t treat me like the crappy unpaid intern I am, which is nice because you never know what professionals in the industry are going to be like. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel working for free, if I’d dread everyday or what, but even though I’m doing the bitch work I love just being in the atmosphere and watching a live show come together daily. We also had Michael Buble on today, which normally I’m not a huge fan of but it was pretty exciting.

But the stress of not having any money is killing me, I only work at few hours a week at my part time job because the company are a bunch of cheap bastards who don’t believe in giving their employees more than 5 hours, and having to work with a 6’2’ psycho hose beast assistant manager. While being poor is definitely balls I think this is going to be a good summer. Dana’s back, Danko and I are going to see Incubus and Julia, my sister and others are making our annual trip to Ottawa for white water rafting. Also the best and most classic part of the summer, the August long weekend camping trip at Oro, so shanty but so classic and fun.

On the romantic side of things, it doesn’t appear this is going to be a summer for romance and me, which sucks but it’s not the end of the world…although sometimes it certainly feels that way. I keep waiting to meet someone new, I’ve been out of my last relationship for a very long time now and even though I didn’t think it would happen right away I thought that by now I would have moved on with someone else. It’s not a matter of lingering hopes or anything like that, the past is past and I’m completely aware of it, but still I sometimes miss that feeling of knowing that someone exists who thinks you’re worthwhile and as cliché and corny as it sounds, dying to talk to and see you. Perhaps what I’m describing doesn’t even exist anymore, I can’t even be sure but, if it does in any form, I guess I’ll keep waiting.

2007-04-28T12:55:00.000-04:00

"Oh I, I don't know why, I really hope you go and die so I can live here without you..."

About a month ago I had my room in Oakville posted for rent on the Places for Students website. I immediately had a response from someone named Andrea, and she came with her parents to have a look at the place. She e-mailed me later that night and told me she wanted my room for May.

I was happy and a bit skeptical, as it all seemed too easy. I was right. In the coming weeks I attempted to get Andrea to come to the house and sign the lease, so that I could start finding a place in Toronto for myself. I explained this to her in several e-mails and messages on her cell phone. I finally got a hold of her after about a week and she assured me she still wanted the room. I was relieved, and started to make the arrangements with my landlord. We then, both continued to contact her in hopes of having her commit to the lease. She then e-mailed me and told me she now required two rooms (for some unknown reason) and when we told her we could accommodate that request, we never heard from her again.

Flash forward to this morning when I am awoken my a text message from Andrea on my cell phone (actual spelling):

“Hey I jus got my phone back which is y I didn’t call u im really sorry….im not sure if ur still there…i ended up taking daniells room.again im really sorry n I hope there’s no hard feelings as I will b moving in today.”

You may be asking yourself why I’d care about the fact she is now moving somewhere else? Despite not having her cell phone she still had my e-mail address and my phone number within that e-mail so she could have realistically contacted me at any time, but that’s not even the best part. The best part is, Danielle is MY roommate who lives upstairs. So not only did I NOT sell MY room, I did all the work showing her the house and tracking her down and now Danielle gets to move out and I have to spend my summer LIVING with Andrea.

2007-04-08T00:04:00.000-04:00

"But I will see you again, I will see you again, a long time from now…"

Do you ever have one of those nights, when you’re driving and just the right song comes on? I had a night like that recently. On a dark and rainy night driving back to Oakville the shuffle of my car stereo chose City and Colour’s, Hello I’m in Delaware. Driving along alone, I couldn’t help but feel the song matched my mood perfectly. Thoughtful, nostalgic, thinking of people I’ve lost. People far away, people I know won’t be coming back. I’ve never been a big believer in the “its better to have loved and lost…” cliché, but I found myself wondering if it were true. After much debate I’m still undecided.

Perhaps this nostalgia comes because I know my life is about to drastically change. In two weeks I will no longer be a student, I will be thrust out into the working world to fend for myself. Obviously I’ve been a student in some form for as long as I can remember. But I’ve also been thinking about the people in my class. We’ve experienced and accomplished great feats and great lessons this year, it will be hard to think of a time when I won’t see them everyday. I wonder if any of these people will stay in my life, and hope that some will.

It just seems that as I transition through certain phases of my life certain people come and go; some go when I wish they wouldn’t. I’ve been fortunate to have a select few, key and quality people remain with me through what can be difficult times, something of which I will always be truly thankful. It is a difficult thing to determine: who will stay with you, and who will go. Some claim their long lasting loyalty and presence in terms like ‘always’ and ‘forever,’ yet I already find myself forgetting them. It’s a shame how people can disappoint at times, that no matter how much you wish that they wouldn’t do exactly what you suspect. But somehow you know they will.

So there goes my life
Passing by with every exit sign
And it's been so long, sometimes I wonder, how I will stay strong
No sleep tonight
I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades, one more night gone, only twenty more days

But I will see you again,
I will see you again,
A long time from now

There goes my life
Passing by with every departing flight
And it's been so hard, so much time, so far apart
As she walks the night, how many hearts will die tonight?
Will things have changed?
I guess I'll find out in seventeen days

But I will see you again,
I will see you again
A long time from now

My body aches, and it hurts to sing, and no one is moving
And I wish that I weren't here tonight, but this is my life

But I will see you again
I will see you again
A long time from now

But I will see you again
I will see you again
A long time from now

2007-04-03T19:56:00.000-04:00

Go see Blades of Glory immediately. Now! Get going! I had the extreme pleasure of seeing the new Will Ferrell/ John Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) comedy about two figure skaters who become the first two same sex partners in the pair’s competition.

Ferrell’s character, Chazz Michael Michaels is a self proclaimed lone wolf whose success rides on his crazy tactics and party lifestyle. Heder’s character, Jimmy MacElroy is born and bred, squeaky clean, naïve and wholesome. The two men are polar opposites and fierce competitors. When they tie for the gold medal and refuse to share it. Their physical altercation in front of the world gets them banned from men’s figure skating for life.

When a loop hole is found in the skating regulations, the two opposites attempt to become partners against the brother and sister skating combo, Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg played by real-life husband and wife, Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. The Fairchild’s set out to cheat their way to the gold and break up the newly established bond between Ferrell and Heder.

It’s interesting that I am able to discuss the plot of this movie without much absurdity, which I assure you the movie s ripe with, but that’s what makes this movie great. It is another ridiculously hilarious comic classic that Will Ferrell and now John Heder are becoming known for. Dirty jokes, comments that don’t make sense, scenes and outfits so absurd that you lose yourself in the humour and just enjoy it. That’s what makes these movies great. Any school, work, money or life stress, they help you find a way to laugh anyway.

2007-03-18T01:04:00.000-04:00

“All you need is love, is a lie cause we had love but we still said goodbye, now we're tired, battered fighters. And it stings when it's nobody's fault cause there's nothin' to blame at the drop of your name ,it's only the air you took and the breath you left”

Misery doesn’t always love company, and tonight since I am feeling extra miserable I decided to write this blog from my basement hovel and tell you yet again of the tales of my unfortunate luck.

Last Monday I traveled with my classmate Matt to Toronto to shoot an interview for our Current Affairs project. All was well until we headed for home, and my muffler started to make a horribly loud and scary noise. We thought we might die as we headed for home but were fortunate to arrive unharmed. Not to worry I thought, I get my awesome new car this week and I’ll never have to worry about things like this again. Wrong. So very wrong.

I have this strange belief that luck and misfortune continuously balance themselves out for me, some people get lots of luck and some people have loads of bad luck, but me, one good thing one bad thing or vice versa usually seems to be the case. Therefore making it only possible a majority of the time to remember the bad things because they overshadow the good, which brings me back to the new car. Tuesday evening I picked up my dark red 2007 Ford Focus from the dealership with that ‘too good to be true’ feeling. Sure it’s going to cost me and puts me even deeper into the bowels of debt hell where I already reside, but to be free of future car trouble for the next little while would be worth it, foolish me. Today I started the car and was driving when I noticed that the speedometer wasn’t moving and the engine light along with many others were on. Please note this was only the fourth time I had been in the car and it has been less than a week since I picked it up from the lot. Please tell me why a brand new car’s engine light comes on in the first week?

I’m feeling frustrated, like a lot of things are beyond my control right now. I’m trying to sell my room in Oakville but people who show interest in it seem to keep flaking out, and I still don’t have a place in Toronto to move to, and I can’t move at all unless someone takes the room I have now. All I can do is wait and all I want to do is plan to move forward. I don’t need to be in Oakville after April and Toronto is the most logical city for my hopeful future profession. Frustration and uncertainty, it’s all I got tonight.

2007-03-08T23:58:00.000-05:00

“Don't ever stand aside, don't ever be denied. You wanna be who you'd be, if you're coming with me”

Recently after some stressful interviews and harassing e-mails, I was offered an internship at CityLine. CityLine was my first choice of those that I had applied for and I was (and still remain) a) shocked that I got it and b) happy as hell to be given the chance. I feel I have (or at least I hope I have) come along way since those shitty days I spent at Canadian Tire wondering when my life was going to begin. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that this is merely an internship and no guarantee of an actual paying job. However, it is experience and I’m in dire need of that.

But along with all this happiness comes many questions: Do I live here or in Toronto? If I move to Toronto am I able to sublet my lease, which I have until August? If I stay here do I commute by GO or car? If I move to Toronto where and who would I live with and can I afford it? Also if I were to move to Toronto I would need a new part time job.

It’s hard knowing what you’d like to see happen but facing uncertainty that it may not come to fruition. Unfortunately I tend to worry too much, but no matter how much I may stress in the weeks to come it’ll all be worth it because I have an awesome placement! ☺

2007-03-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

“So let go, jump in, oh well whatcha waiting for? It's alright, cuz there's beauty in the breakdown.”

I often forget why I love certain movies as much as I do, until of course I watch them. Today’s example would be Garden State. Not only is this movie brilliantly written and directed by its star, Zach Braff, but the soundtrack is outstanding as well. Now normally I pay little to no attention to movie soundtracks, so the fact I am an advocate for this particular ones, I assure you, means something. I’ve
recently discovered that Zach Braff won an award for compilation for the movie’s soundtrack, whether you take that as a reason to listen or a reason to chastise it, the choice is yours. This movie introduced me to the music of the Shins and Frou Frou’s song, Let Go which plays at the end.

I’ve been thinking about why I love this movie so much, and I think it breaks down to this: the characters are messed up people struggling to understand and cope with their lives. Now I realize that is the premise for most movies, but this movie doesn’t seek to change them or correct their mistakes in some crazy epiphany, what’s great about that is, that’s real life. No one has a montage or musical epiphany or has some wise person who swoops in and tell us how to properly live our lives. Only we have control and are responsible for our mistakes, and that’s the truth of Garden
State. These characters are trying to find their direction and an idea of Home. They are grave diggers who live with their parents or millionaires with money but nothing to do, they are two people who meet and start to fall in love but realize how little they know about each other or life. It’s about fucked up families (and we all have one of those, I know I do) and the distance that fills those families. It’s about people who lie, reuniting with old friends, making new ones and the crappy misfortunes of life. It’s about the possibility of healing with help from your friends, and moving forward.

“Sidecars are for bitches.”

2007-02-21T22:23:00.000-05:00

"I live my life for the stars that shine, people say it's just a waste of time, when they said I should feed my head, that to me was just a day in bed. I'll take my car and I drive real far, to where they're not concerned about the way we are in my mind my dreams are real. Are you concerned about the way I feel?"

Try as I might I cannot seem to comprehend what has become of the world of ‘celebrity’ at the present time. I realize this is a
loaded subject, which can face ridicule from many sides, these are merely my thoughts on the matter. I’ve never been a big fan of the tactics of celebrities, their many marriages and affairs, but now it just seems to be getting literally crazy to a ridiculous degree. While celebrities have always been prone to problems by blame of the media, it just seems to be grand scale out of control. Take for instance some of the recent mind boggling choices of those facing the ‘burden of success.’

1. Paula Abdul: Now I can give respect where respect is due in saying that after her mediocre career burnt out as well as her marriage to fellow washed up celeb, Emilio Estevez, Paula was able to make a (at least financially) come back with the success of American Idol. This woman should count her blessings and stop making television appearances, while severely inebriated. Now one little interview where they claim she was ‘tired’ (I’ve never been so tired, I slurred my words but I digress) is one thing. But even as I watched it tonight (which I’m ashamed to say I did), the look in her eyes and the incoherent nature of her sentences (or broken sentences at that) begs the question. How she can still be allowed to keep her job where she is literally on the most watched show in the world?

2. Anna Nicole Smith: A woman who rode her minimal success as a model to becoming basically a rich whore, who had a son die of a methodone overdose, and a daughter only months old with about 8 prospective fathers. She is now dead as well, presumably from drugs. Seeing her on television interviews always freaked me out, she looked literally made of plastic and with the most vacant expression, like her mind wasn’t even there. How can someone like that be allowed to care for two children and what kind of crazy life will her daughter have while men vie for spots in her life to use and mistreat her for the monetary value they see her as being worth? It makes me sick that because of her mother’s bad choices she will have to live like that.

3. Britney Spears: An expectant target on the list I’m sure. Another example of a once on top celebrity with a floundering career whose recent list of outlandish tactics include: having the press photograph a full on shot of her vagina, partying with other rehab bound celebrities such as Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton (don’t even get me started on those two, but at least they don’t have kids) and most recently the shaving of her head as an apparent way to prevent people from ‘touching her,’ one day of rehab and getting two more tattoos. I never thought that Kevin Federline could appear as a competent or fit parent, to anyone.

What happened to the days of grace and poise? Sure Marilyn Monroe was a bit of a whore in her own day, but at least she kept her undergarments on when her skirt flew up.

2007-02-13T17:34:00.000-05:00

"People spend so much time, every single day runnin' 'round all over town givin' their forever away, but no not me. I won't let my forever roam and now I hope I can find my forever a home so give me your forever, please your forever, not a day less will do from you"

So tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, for some reason it is the one, holiday (for lack of a better word) that I as a single person, do not think too much about. But for some reason this year, I have. Here’s my problem with the whole concept. In a society of Lavalife and Myspace relationships it seems prevelant now more than ever that society dictates you’re life is incomplete unless you’re in a relationship. For all of those people out there that are in happy and healthy relationships you have my respect and credit for achieving what is proving to be an increasingly difficult feat for myself.

However, if society is telling us we need to be in relationships to be happy, then wouldn’t the reward be that you have found said person? What is it about having a relationship that translates into deserving an entire day in its honour? I realize I’m bias, but I feel like perhaps the singles out there deserve a day in their honour because they’re still looking, aren’t dating someone they know is wrong for them, are refusing to settle etc.

I know myself and I don’t seek to suggest that at certain points I’m not saddened by that fact that I am alone. In fact lately I’ve begun to consider just dedicating my life to my work as opposed to attempting to find a successful relationship, and use my sexual frustration into a successful career, haha. However a majority of the time I am content to be on my own, an opinion shared by many. Now perhaps someone could argue that we are fooling ourselves into believing being alone is what we want, but I would pose that argument back to some of the couples I’ve seen who I often wonder why they are together and question if it is merely due to convenience.

Perhaps there’s no real answer to come in questioning the logic (if there is in fact any) behind the concept of Valentine’s Day, but perhaps I will spend Valentine’s Day with some people I love (as corny as it may sound), my friends. Maybe that’s what Valentine’s Day will be about for me.

2007-02-06T00:58:00.000-05:00

"So won't you: please please me like you want to, not not like you have to. Oh won't you just go on and leave me, you know leaving me is the least that you could do..."

I’m finding myself very disheartened about this week and its only Monday. I feel like I’ve been trying my damndest with school but that it’s getting me nowhere. Originally when I applied for my program, the appeal of the six-week end of term placement appealed to me greatly. The appeal being the obvious reasons of job experience and the possibility of being hired on, but most importantly being assisted in my pursuit to get my foot in the door (as they say). However, I feel thus far I’ve been let down greatly. The teacher leading our class titled “career management” which I feel is an alias for waste of time, has told us to create a resume and cover letter and start applying. Please tell me what about this I had not realized before she said it? Feeling on our own, my classmates and I have bee applying but I have not met any luck so far.

I also traveled to the CBC again today to meet with Kenton, my widely despised Current Affairs teacher who can’t get away from his busy schedule to teach the class in which he is a) being PAYED to teach while b) being in the building that pays him. He accused my fellow classmate and I of leaving our research to the last minute and having “a lot to do” which I didn’t feel was true of either of us. But this would have been nice to know a month ago if he’d held any actually classes between now and then. Insert image of me smacking my head against a brick wall here.

I’m worried, worried that I will have graduated both university and college with no job prospects, tons of debt and disappoint my family, my father specifically. I feel like I’ve worked hard towards a career that I know with certainty is what I want to do but fear I will never get the opportunity.

2007-01-31T17:18:00.000-05:00

Leave the Hitler’s Alone

I have always considered George Stroumboulopoulos and by association, his program the Hour, to be a news program that acts under the Watchdog model of media. Stroumboulopoulos guides his hourly program in such a way that expresses his own opinions within the reporting of the current news. It is George’s clever criticisms and segments dedicated to exposing these ‘"truths" about the world that serve as an outlet for this media watchdog specifically in “Disinformation – 50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know.”

The issue of Hitler is one that is timeless in both relevance and interest. The effect of Hitler’s reign was grand scale and consequently transcends to audiences on a mass scale. To hear any “news” on him, decades after the terror he imposed would perk the ears and eyes or almost any audience. When I first heard that Hitler’s blood relatives were still alive I was intrigued by this story.

However, after hearing it my opinion changed drastically. I have enclosed a transcript of the video that played under the Disinformation segment of 50 things You’re Not Supposed to Know, that the Hour feels it is our right to know. While I appreciate the fact that a news program strives to drag our highly censored minds into the proverbial light, I actually felt this story was one better left in the dark. I never thought I would take the stance of defender against anyone with association to Hitler. But as the report dictated, the four remaining men (only three of which are alive now) made a pact not to subject any future offspring to the burdens of bearing relation to such a monster. I feel such a drastic life choice is indicative of their own struggles growing up in the shadow of what their predecessor had done. Despite their somewhat distant blood relationship to the fascist dictator, what business is it of us as audiences and readers, to know where they are living and working?
How could this information possibly benefit us when it would clearly only draw further criticism than already endured to the remaining members? It is my belief that by continuing to discuss and immortalize Hitler even now, we are continuing to pay homage to his will. We are giving him exactly what he wanted, to be immortalized long after his time and at the expense of four boys (three remaining) who had the misfortune of being born into the wrong bloodline. The Hour indirectly trivializes the lives of these men, accounting for only three of the four brothers, but identifying the state and occupation of the two they were able to discover.

While old footage of their distant relative’s evil reign fill the background and remind us of the darkness he caused, a sole reporter sits at a table and tells the story of the Hitler family bloodline. Their lives are being accredited to a few simple sentences, most of which identifying them and making them vulnerable, labeling them only as Hitler’s bloodline and a slight mention of a brotherly pact. I feel the impact and the sacrifice that went into the creation of the pact speaks volumes regarding their character and their sense of self-loathing of the family they were born into. They have collected decided to end the Hitler bloodline forever.

We all know for better or worse we cannot choose our families. If we found out in 20 years that Robert Pickton had blood relatives living somewhere in America would that be any more or less relevant? I realize the impact of these men situations is incomparable, but the point remains the same. Why are we so eager to seek out these people who are not accountable for what preceded their family’s history? While I am uncertain this report will hold a negative impact, the odds are in favour of that. The story has been viewed over 1,000 times from the website alone. These men know where they come from; do we need to remind them? If the victims have suffered enough, when is it enough for those victimized in a different way by the same animal?

Disinformation Segment – 50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know

Did you know that Hitler’s blood relatives are alive and well in New York State?
Hitler never had any kids so we tend to take for granted that anyone related to him is still alive, Adolf had an older half brother who had a son, Pat Hitler who moved to Germany as a young man to take advantage of his Uncle’s rising political stature. Pat grew tired of being overlook by his uncle who was only giving him minor jobs. So Pat moved to America and in the height of World War II as the war raged on, Pat joined up with the U.S. Navy, in order to fight against his uncle Adolf. Afterwards he changed his name to blend in with the rest of society. That is until a reporter named David Garner was given the task to find him and interview him and after several years it was no easy task to find him, Garner found out he was living in a small town in the State of New York. Showing up unannounced on his doorstep, Garner learned that Pat had died in 1987. His widow Phyllis confided that it was indeed Pat Hitler and also let it be known that they had four sons. She then quickly clamed up and asked them to leave. After much legwork, Garner found the four sons named, Alexander, Brian, Howard, and Lewis. Howard, a fraud investigator for the IRS died in a car crash when he was 32 in 1989. Brian and Lewis continue to this day to operate a landscaping business in the small community of Long Island. I was told Phyllis old Garner that the four brothers made a pact to never have children so they would be spare them the burden of being related to a monster. Adolf Hitler’s blood relatives are alive and well in New York State.

Link to the video on the Hour website: http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/video.php?id=1326

2007-01-23T12:06:00.000-05:00

"Somewhere there's a box full of replacement parts to all the tenderness we've broken or let rust away. Somewhere sympathy is more than just a way of leaving. Somewhere someone says 'I'm sorry.' Someone's making plans to stay."

We’ve had two runs of the news show now, and my fears about screwing up came true, but did not matter as much as I thought. Apparently we have been credited as being the first class in many years to actually go to air on time. That is not to say that things went perfectly after that, you could say that in fact, the opposite took place but we’re still learning. The hardest part, I’ve found is to anticipate disaster, the things that can go wrong will, along with 5 other things that had never even crossed your mind.

Being a PA is a crazy, stressful job, but crazy in that fun way. That race to the 5pm clock to have everything done, to know everything that people ask you and be everywhere your producer needs you, and that your contribution is crucial, is fun for me. I love that kind of high stress energy where you’re working your ass off but you love it at the same time. Even on the switchboard, you’re a necessary part of something greater than you, and that feeling that people are depending on you to change things at the command of the director and with no screw ups (which hasn’t happened yet, but I’m going to get there!) is imperative. Especially considering the director on my shift is someone incredibly smart and whom I respect and I want to do the best I can to help his show run smoothly.

The 5 o clock Thursday craze aside, us Journalism New Media students are attempting to decide out placements and indirectly (or directly, depending on the position) plan our futures. It’s an intimidating thought, one I’ve been putting off for many years, but I suppose one I can no longer hide from. I, like all of my classmates I’m sure, want my placement to lead me into a job so I can start making money, get myself out of debt and start planning my life. My aims are for CTV, Global or City TV but who knows what will happen, it’s still too early to tell.

On a more relaxed note, there are some upcoming events that I’m crazy excited for. The highly anticipated, long awaited Incubus concert is less than two weeks away, on February 4th. It’s been around 2 years since I saw them at the ACC with Dana and this time, the lovely Matt Danko will be accompanying me. Speaking of Dana, she is still in Vancouver and I’ve been trying my best to get her home. Hopefully, I will have more luck with this when I visit her for reading week. Much to the dismay of my Visa and my parents, my flight is booked and I’m going to spend 6 days with Dana, I’m really looking forward to it, not only for the chance to travel, (which I’ve always wanted to do and seldom have), but also to see the friend I’ve missed so much since she left in May.

2007-01-10T18:27:00.000-05:00

"It's not as easy as willing it all to be right, got to be more than hoping it's right, I want to hear you laugh like you really mean it, collapse into me tired with joy..."

This has indeed been an interesting first three days of second term, and here’s why. Monday’s class of Current Affairs (see previous blogs to reaffirm my passionate despise of the course and primarily, the teacher himself). Our class trudged on down to Toronto to the CBC building to see Kenton in his place of work because apparently he’s under some drastic time constraints for his latest assignment. His first words to us were that while his editor friend told us our final projects from last term were some of the best he had seen come out of the class, he wanted to ensure us all that, it was in fact not true and our grades will reflect that. Awesome! Sadly I think I have become impervious to his constant ridicule, sad but true, I’m getting used to his abrasive, borderline insulting manner.

Yesterday was slightly more interesting, I’m taking a mandatory Media Theory course this term which is taking back to my University days of hell involving Chomsky and Baudrillard, etc. I’ve never been fantastic at the whole theory thing, but I managed to scrape by and get my degree, so hopefully I can pull something out of my ass for this term as well.

I started my volunteering at Rogers Cable 10 in Mississauga as well. The evening I signed up for is a live airing of the program, ME TV where people in the area come in and talk about local interests. Last night’s had a local singer who won some Mississauga talent competition for 2006, some impersonator, and some little girls’ hockey team. While perhaps not the most interesting piece of television I ever viewed, for a volunteer position at a local cable station, I found it rather enjoyable. I was camera one operator and wore my fancy head set, I’m happy to report that I didn’t screw up on my first day, like I assumed I would do. It’s a learning environment and people are willing to help you out, so I think I will keep going back.

I’m very fearful for my life in terms of tomorrow. Tomorrow our class goes live at 5 on the net for the first installment of our weekly broadcasts. I’m the PA (Production Assistant), which for those who may not know, is in charge of counting down the start and finish, and ins and outs of video footage, etc. Basically the timing of the show depends on me and I’m prone to fuck ups, so you do the math. Pray for me, perhaps if I live to tell about it I’ll post how terrible it was.

2006-12-30T01:42:00.000-05:00

A list of things I hate...because I am obsessed with making lists

1. Feeling frustrated over situations you can’t control
2. Pompous, tactless, asshole Current Affairs teachers
3. People who are thoughtless towards others
4. People who are intentionally mean towards others when the situation does not
warrant it
5. People who do exactly what you expect them to
6. Not having any plans for New Years
7. Having to constantly take care of my 26 year old sister, when I am only 23
8. People who don’t say please or thank you
9. People who do not appreciate things you have done for them/the time you have
sacrificed for them
10. People who do not follow through with things they said they would
11. Those that act like they are better than you
12. Those who only want to make plans with you/consider you a friend when it is
convenient for them
13. Money
14. Money
15. Money
16. Not having money
17. Nagging parents, to give you money, which you do not have
18. Fake people, and having to be fake back to them by proxy
19. Having too much time to think and over analyze (hence the reason for the list)
20. Plans that never work out (see: Montreal, Vancouver and most likely New York)
21. When your favourite show is a rerun
22. When you listen with careful consideration to someone’s problems and they do
not reciprocate your kindness
23. People breaking into my friend’s cars
24. Pancreatitis
25. Unappreciation
26. Being unlucky
27. Feeling like a stranger in your own family
28. Those that are mean to you and think its acceptable because people think
its ‘just the way they are’
29. Those that do not appreciate what they have (I’m sure I’m guilty of this
too, but I still don’t like it)
30. Regret

2006-12-21T01:33:00.000-05:00

"All you people at the top don’t know nothing about it. We don’t give a fuck what the price is, so just leave us to our own devices, and we’ll leave you alone."

I’ve decided you really can’t please everyone. Especially miserable, horrible, self absorbed people, perhaps the most difficult of all people to please. In this specific case, I speak of my Current Affairs teacher. I suffered through a term of his constant harsh criticism (almost once reduced to tears), and worked hard to provide him a final project of which he may find acceptable. When he dubbed my group’s efforts as “competent” I found a glimmer of hope, because it had been nicer than any he had previously uttered. Alas, to no avail. I busted my ass all term

putting up with a fellow group member that loved to bust my balls over every little detail and put more effort into this one class than perhaps any of my others in that term combined. I was hopeful that all of our efforts would be deemed valuable in the end result and by extension, the received grade. Wrong again. Grades went up at midnight this evening and I received a mediocre grade for a project that the teacher and his high and mighty fellow colleague deemed “one of the better projects they had seen come out of this class than in the past.” You would think that if this were the case the grade would reflect as such. I pray for the grades of the poor bastards that have befallen before me. Did I mention it is mandatory (low and behold, this was news to me) to take his class again next term and do basically the same project all over again? I used to think that there was some sort of balance in the universe, that with hard work at least the end result made it worth while. I know now that I was clearly deceived and the world is more cruel and unusual than I had once so naively thought.

Sidenote: I got my second tattoo almost two weeks ago. The shading and colour have not been completed yet, but here's a pic of phase one :)

2006-12-01T16:28:00.000-05:00

"Enough, enough bowing down to disillusion, hats off and applause to rogues and evolution"

As some of you may know, I have a theory or weird/unfortunate luck that tends to befall me. I like to throw said incidents up on the ol’blog for viewers to enjoy. This entry will prove no different in the weird factor. If you’ve read my previous posts, specifically the one regarding Matt Danko’s formal pot luck dinner party then you may already know about the person that was lovingly nicknamed (and not by me, I might add) Creeps, aka Mark. The short version of my former post is that I met him at said party and we chatted, but I felt that creepy vibe from him that girls seem to have a sixth sense about (you know what I’m talking about ladies). Before he departed he asked for my phone number and taken aback and unable to lie like the chump that I am, I gave it to him. He didn’t call and I forgot all about it. Until about 3 weeks later he called me while I was at work once, and another while I was out the door, both easy to get off the phone situations. This week, however, he has called twice more and I recognized the number and avoided. Perhaps this is the coward-like approach but if that’s so, then a coward I am. I just don’t know how to tell someone I hardly know not to call, it seems so mean. I guess not answering seems mean too, but I guess it depends on how you look at the situation, especially when today presented the weirdest aspect of this story thus far. I had a missed call on my cell from a 416 number that I didn’t recognize. So on my way back to the Hammer for my birthday festivities this evening (I’m 23 today!) The number called again, this is what happened:

Me: Hello
Strange Woman: Hello, is this Casey?
Me: Yes it is?
Strange Woman: You don’t know me, but I’m Mark’s Aunt, he’s been trying to get a hold of you.
Me (in my head): What the fuck?
Strange Woman: He just wanted to invite you to a party we’re having, we have them a few times a year, its on Saturday.
Me: Well I’m actually busy today and tomorrow because its my birthday today.
Strange Woman: Oh, happy birthday!
Me: Thank you (strange woman that I don’t know)
Strange Woman: Maybe you can come to the next one then?
Me: Um, sure…. (what the hell am I supposed to say?)
Strange Woman: Great, then Mark will call you ok?
Me: Ok…bye.

Who a) gets their Aunt to call a girl you met ONCE? b) Gets their aunt to call ANY girl? C) Gets their Aunt to call a girl who you’ve called multiple times with no answer? Let this be a lesson to one and all, when you don’t know the number that appears on your phone’s caller ID, don’t answer.

2006-11-30T22:00:00.000-05:00

I covered the Electoral Assembly in Brampton and all I got was this blog:

http://www.tvo.org/cfmx/tvoorg/citizensassembly/index.cfm?page_id=87&action=blog&subaction=viewPost&post_id=2248&blog_id=101

2006-11-21T10:01:00.000-05:00

"If I turn into another dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me. Sing this song, remind me that we'll always have each other, when everything else is gone."

Last Monday, the Journalism New Media students that signed up to volunteer for the municipal elections, headed to City TV to make a contribution. Or at least that was the idea. Originally we were set to arrive at 2pm, then 10:30am, then 7am. Why the dramatic time changes you ask? Good question. I still, after having experienced the event first hand, have no logical answer to this question. After a 5am wake up time and boarding the GO Train by 6:30 our classmates entered the City TV building at 7:30am. After being filed into a conference room we all waited, half asleep for our assignments. A few people were set off in groups of two to cover the larger candidates, such as David Miller. I however, was on my own with reporter Dwight Drummond, a camera man named Afredo (Alfie for short), tech guy Martin, and floor director, Shannon. We rode in the City truck to Kensington Market, not far from City’s Queen street building. We set up shop in a restaurant called the Supermarket. From that point on the day started to lose its luster. I believe we arrived around 9:30am and from that point on we basically sat on our asses. I went to the truck once to retrieve camera batteries. Dwight Drummond met us at the location and practiced for his noon run through and then we layed around, slept in restaurant booths and ate at a terribly bad (we all agreed on this fact afterwards) pizza place a short walk from the Supermarket, which doesn’t open until late afternoon. After the noon 30 second bradcast there was another practice at 3pm and we went to air at 6pm. I’ve never been so bored and on top of that so COLD in my entire life. The place was freezing, I felt like a human ice cube. However, the member in our riding, Adam Vaughan won the votes in ward and we were fortunate enough to be present for his 9pmish arrival to his victory party and snag the first on camera interview with him since the votes had been counted. There were a lot of people that had come into the Supermarket by then and the energy was high, so overall the experience was somewhat memorable for me. I would however, would have liked to have been of a bit more use and less bored out of my mind, but it’s all part of the learning experience right?

Note: today is the Incubus pre-sale for the February Toronto show, yahhhh!

2006-10-29T20:05:00.000-05:00

"Has someone taken your faith? It's real, The pain you feel? Your trust? You must confess. Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?"

I consider it some sort of record that I haven’t had any annoying roommate stories until this day, the 29th of October 2006. I’ve always thought my roommate Connor was a tad bit strange. He eats spaghetti with his hands and says that’s how you eat Ethiopian food (but clearly spaghetti is not Ethiopian, and we’re in Canada, but I digress). He has also brought home a friend who quit smoking the day before and had since decided it would be a healthier life choice to start snorting tobacco or ‘Snuff’ as he called it. On Friday my friend Jocelyn and I ran into him at school and he had writing on this arm claiming a lack of available paper as the reasoning and has brought home free Muslim bibles from people he met on the street and so on.

But today was the most unusual and infuriating of all. I come in the door from Hamilton and walk into the bathroom, and to my surprise the bathroom looks like a small animal has been killed or someone has taken paint and danced around the room with it. My basement roommate, Scott and I, who actually share the bathroom, were both gone for the weekend. So I go up to the kitchen and ask Connor if Scott had been home and he says no, and I ask if Connor (who is in art fundamentals) has been in our bathroom with paint? Apparently he had! To wash up because his bathroom was occupied by another roommate of ours, Danielle at the time. He then attempts to claim that he had in fact cleaned it up. It was EVERYWHERE! The floor, the walls, the crevasses of the sink, the side of the toilet, on my tube of toothpaste, the mirror, the door frame, and its only a tiny bathroom! I literally had to scrub the walls and floor to get the majority of it removed, the rest is still there and I can’t get rid of it. What a balls thing to come home to, I always question the issue of karma in situations like this.

2006-10-18T14:05:00.000-04:00

"Your moving fast, Don't get attached, I think you're hot but I love you not..."

I had an interesting conversation last night with Mr. Will Smith and we happened upon the subject of marriage, more so the issue of people getting married in their late teens/ early twenties. I don’t know if it makes my cynical, bitter or whatever but I just can’t understand people committing to a life together when their own has barely begun. Now let me say that I’m not against the idea of marriage and I do hope one day (although some days I have my doubts) that I will get married too. I also support the idea of long term relationships, in fact I hope to find myself in one of those one day as well. But I can’t understand the reason for the rush to the altar. If you’re in a committed relationship, perhaps living together and you’ve made the conscious decision to move forward in a life together, why not give that life a chance before you promise to spend the rest of your life with said person? I understand some people decide to get married young because of certain beliefs, perhaps their religion dictates no sex before marriage or as Will said some cultures like the Dutch are very traditional and believe that marriage is actually quite sacred. And in a way I agree, I think it is sacred and that’s why I think waiting is so important. Too often to people wind up divorced these days, I believe the statistic falls somewhere in the 1 in 3 range if Bridget Jones’s Diary gives accurate stats (and I’m sure it does, love that movie). Love is such a fickle thing in the sense that we seem to lost all rationality and believe in crazy terms like forever and always. Of course that’s the exact kind irrationality we crave, but how do we balance the irrational feelings of love with the responsible, good sense not to jump the gun?

2006-10-11T02:14:00.000-04:00

"Choices always were a problem for you, what you need is someone strong to guide you, deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow, what you need is someone strong to guide you....like me"

So I was watching my nightly helping of my lovable TV host, Conan O’Brien and a few reasons were presented amidst this episode that defines for me, why I love him so much.

1. He used an example of going to get slushies at 711 (Mel, I’m looking at you here)
2. His never ending mocking of the whore the Paris Hilton is
3. His never ending mocking of the human stick that Nicole Ritchie is
4. And of course, the George Bush comments

Later on in the episode when Alec Baldwin made an appearance in which they made several references to debaucherous activities including a gentlemen wanting Alec’s hairy ass on his face. You just don’t’ hear things like that on any other TV show. God I love that man.

But during the break was a commercial that has spawned this entry and one that I cannot believe I have not written about sooner. 7th Heaven. How in GOD’s name (pun intended) is this ridiculous show still on the air? Not only are all the kids, cousins, grand kids, adopted kids, street kids, adopted-street kids-kid’s all grown up, but the show had a FAREWELL episode last season! I know this because I saw the commercial 100 times and rejoiced that it was finally going off the air where it should have gone since day one. I can only assume that some audience demand has brought the show back for what can only be their 75th season. To this end, I must ask, WHERE in the world are these people and WHY would they want to continue beating this dead horse any further?

2006-10-02T00:19:00.000-04:00

"Wanna leave but I've got to stay, I'm wondering more everyday, Montreal to Hong Kong, Where have all the good people gone?" - Sam Roberts

This has been a most odd and unfortunate week. I can honestly say I’m glad to see its ends in exactly 24 minutes. For those of you interested in the strange and often crappy things that happen in my day-to-day life, please read further for your viewing pleasure. Let’s see where to begin. After spending the week feeling like I’m coming down with the cold/flu thing that everyone seems to be contracting, it has not yet surfaced to its fullest extent, so I’ve been feeling a bit run down. Not so bad, and the editing class is still a jumble of language and button pressing in sequence I don’t fully understand (as per my previous blog for those of you that have read it and chosen not to comment, Jeff and Brett I’m looking at you).

Fast forward to Thursday night at Mr. Matt J. Danko’s incredibly swanky and fabulous formal-pot luck dinner-soiree. A very classy affair filled with suits, ties and dresses. A lot of interesting illustration and other Sheridan kids among others were in attendance. Unbeknownst to me I meet in my mingling, Mark the apparent Buddhist. Better known to Matt and his friends as “Creeps” (I find this out later). I chat with Mark and Josephine (Jo) for a while before Mark says he will soon be leaving. I find he keeps returning to the spots I’m sitting but think little of it until he asks for my cell phone number and pulls out his cell phone to add it in. I panic and being the idiot I am, give him my right number. When I basically remove myself as quickly as humanly possible from the situation I find Matt and Jen to tell them what has transpired and this Matt tells me of their affectionate nickname for him. So apparently I’m only a magnet for creeps (a theory I will later prove further).

Saturday evening we all head out to the Whistling Walrus in the Hammer for Jeff Comer’s birthday party. We drink and get the birthday boy sufficiently intoxicated, the whole time conversing with Mr. Brett Lintott in hopes of wearing down his insulting exterior to the charmer and more importantly, the beer drinker we all know and love. The evening went along very splendidly until I got groped before our departure. Most unfortunate and there’s the creep factor again.

This morning I get a frantic call from a co-worker at Bluenotes asking me to come in early. I fly from the Hammer to Oakville to assist her in my parent’s tank-sized mini van because my car was being repaired. I pulled into a drive through spot and rushed in. I came out to the van, after the mall had closed to find a note under my windshield that read “learn to park asshole” on a white envelope written in orange pen. I looked around the parking spot in an attempt to figure out what I had apparently done wrong only to discover the front wheel of my passenger side barely touched the line of the spot, clearly still allowing people to park beside me (as I pulled into a drive through spot in the first place) and allowing enough room for people to get in and out of the vehicles with comfort. I was very taken aback and saddened by this douchebags note. Lastly, no Slainte for our typical Sunday evening socializing. Here’s hoping this week proves lovelier than the last. People suck.

2006-09-28T16:11:00.000-04:00

“You're such an inspiration for the ways that I'll never ever choose to be…”

School has finally starting to go from poking-myself-to-stay-awake-boring, to sort of exciting. Our class spent our first substantial amount of time in the television reporting and editing studio today. It was kind of exciting to actually do something substantial. I wish I could say the same about my Editing class. I realize its only been a few weeks sof class so far but I’m ready to throw those damn machines across the room. Although, this brings to light the greater issue of my getting close enough to one to indeed, do that. We have four machines for 24 people and its impossible for everyone to get a turn. Not only that but two of them have been breaking down in the last two weeks, only adding fuel to the fire, as they say. Then there’s the typical nature of people, who hog them. This makes is quite an easy task to lose ones place or simply not understand the process at all. Fast forward to two weeks from now when our class will be tested on the material and have to perform certain edit functions on these machines in front of our teacher for marks. Cut to me hitting myself over the head with a blunt object in the vacant hope of avoiding the whole thing. *sigh Well at least I can drink and be social at Matt Danko’s formal potluck dinner this evening and forget about such troubles for at least one more day.

2006-09-18T16:12:00.000-04:00

"I don't understand any of this" (this title is for you, Morgan)

I was informed this summer by Sheridan that I would be required to purchase or rent a laptop in order to accommodate my post graduate program. Fair enough, I scrounged up enough credit card space to make such a purchase and was met with the set back of finding after my many years as a PC user, that the only available option for me to purchase was a Mac Book. I'm not complaining about the lap top itself, it's pretty and fast and is indeed very convenient to have and I'm sure will prove most valuable. However, the transition from a PC to a Mac has been a most infuriating one for me. Certain programs must have the Mac

version downloaded and its harder to pirate software (not that I do that, because I definitely do NOT) from online sites when they only have the Windows versions available (as was the case of Mac Office that I'm hoping when I attempt to install it later today, Joel will have saved me from further searching for). I'm adjusting quite nicely now but the only problem I cannot seem to master is the downloading/viewing of Bit Torrents. I have downloaded the Mac version of Azureus at Calan's suggestion and can download the desired items at choice, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to view them. DivX and Quicktime both will not play them and I tried downloading an application that was supposed to help make them seen called VLC but sadly more of the same. So I ask those of you with any sort of computer geek knowledge, if they know how I may solve this problem, PLEASE GOD GIVE ME THE ANSWER! (Billy Madison)

On a side note, in response to Will's blog and his ridicule of Incubus I say this. Among his listed musical choices is DMX and Mudvayne. I feel these two bands speak for themselves in terms of his musical choices. Perhaps the Fresh Prince should have stayed in West Philadelphia with his music (although I use the term lightly). The tables have turned again Will! :)

2006-09-15T01:31:00.000-04:00

(Side note: Being Batman would be the best job ever).

"Stand in the place that you work"

In a bizarre twist from my last entry in the blogging world I have somewhat gone through three jobs. it seems as though, despite my very sad belief that my illustrious career as a Bluenotes sales rep had come to an end, a strange change of luck came my way today. The 20 year old idiot manager called me:

Sandy: Hi Cassandra, its Sandy, I was wondering if you were free to come in tonight.
Me: Sure I can, for what?
Sandy: To work?
Me: Do I still work there?

Long story short, she was behind on work this week apparently so much so that she failed to inform me of my official hire on at Bluenotes. Of course as luck would have it, the day before I had an interview for a banquet hall called Otellos and was hired on for possibly THE worst job ever: parking attendant/dish washer. But with nothing else on the horizon I regretfully accepted. After receiving the phone call, I VERY happily took a breath of relief and called Otello's and informed Raymond that I cold not stay in his employ. He basically hung up on me but who cares, after all its not like I work for him :D woo!

So today I had an interview at a restaurant called Somewhere in Texas (I know, I've never heard of it either). And of course having everything worked out finally with Bluenotes and my typically bad luck with interviews, of course she hired me on the spot for the position of hostess (when I didn't really need one, I get one). So now I have suddenly two jobs and school.

I'm not sure I want to devote myself to either, as they both seem equal amounts sketch: Bluenotes the idiot manager and Somewhere in Texas the hardly occupied/never heard of restaurant. The restaurant also said they would probably want me to take out my industrial piercing for my shifts. What a pain in the ass. Since when did people care so much about ears? I mean I would understand if it was a facial piercing, but it seems a tad anal to me.

What a strange week, but when it begins and ends with no Canadian Tire on the horizon I can't help but take a breath of relief and smile.

2006-09-11T22:46:00.000-04:00

"No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?"

Note: This is merely a movie quotation and does not reflect my views on anything. Thank you and please enjoy your stay.

So today was my much anticipated, first day of New Media Journalism at Sheridan. I like my class because it's not many people, about twenty. I'm a little intimidated by the work they said will lay ahead, and very long hours in the editing suites, television labs etc. They emphasized the fact these labs were 24 hours and suggested we try to avoid having a jobs if it was financially possible (who would have a job if it were financially possible not to have one? I ask you!) But so far there are no textbooks and Kenton Vaughn, teacher of Current Affairs gave us the title of a documentary to rent and encouraged us to watch tv, we also discussed the deeper meaning of the Spiderman Two scene where the passengers of the train can see his face. Not the usual first day, at least for me anyway. Despite the workload I'm pretty excited, I know it's only the first day but I feel much more interested by the material than I ever felt in my four years at McMaster, that school was so balls and boring.

I had a very lovely weekend, Melissa became my first over night guest at my new home in Oakville (I encourage one and all to make a trip out and see me god dammit!) and Saturday night I met some very lovely and hopefully new friends. I was a little weary of this whole moving out thing, I know it's only been a week since all six of us moved in but no one was talking much, mostly in passing. But today we inadvertently had a kitchen party and talked about the stupid things people should discuss like South Park, whether the Simpsons should have yet another season on air, Family Guy, Prison Break, etc. So tv then? Yah pretty much, but who cares? I think we're all pretty different from one another but not in such a drastic way that we wont get along. It may sound naive to say but I honestly don't think I'm going to have much difficulty living here or with these guys, I'm pretty excited about it.

As for the wretched and much dreaded job situation, I'm afraid to report yet not only have I not heard from my 20 year old cunt faced manager (please excuse the language). Not only has she not informed me of the potential ending of my employment but apparently she also does payroll as I was sad to find on Friday when I did not get paid. *sigh* Enter me phone stalking her and trying to get hold of what precious money I may have left so that I may live without being thrown on the street or starving to death. I love the fact that they hired me basically for August, right at that convenient peek period where everyone was hiring back to school students so now it will be all the more difficult to get a job. More of that classic unfortunate events for one Cassandra McBride I'm afraid. I have a few job interviews this week, so keep up the good karma that one of those pan out for me. But, as my pessimistic friend Brett has predicted,
none of them will. God I love that man.

Sidenote: I don't suppose anyone wants to go to Toronto Saturday to see John Mayer for a free show in Yonge and Dundas square?

2006-09-06T01:35:00.000-04:00

Cassandra's A Series of Unfortunate Events

I’ve often gone through life with the belief that I am low on the ‘luck’ scale. I don’t mean this in a self pitying way nor do I seek to claim that ‘everything bad happens to me.’ But, in a somewhat smaller and perhaps less important to the lives of others, I believe that many unfortunate things happen to me. Here is an example of something that does not affect anyone but me, but how I end up screwed (and not in the good way). The following happened to me this evening at my new job, Bluenotes, which if you recall my previous blogs or know me personally, knows it was the gateway to rid me of my endless agony filled years at Canadian Tire. I was extremely excited to land this job and thought it a fortunate stroke of unusual luck…or was it?

Sandy (my TWENTY year old MANAGER, yes that’s right, 20 years old! Younger than me): So since you and a couple of others were hired as temporary help for the back to school time, I have to let a few of you go because I can only have twelve people on staff, so it’s down to you and Breanna.

Me: Oh ok. (Internally: Temporary, what the fuck? Since when? Why didn’t anyone TELL me that so I could have actively continued looking for another job, and WHY are you telling me this before you make the decision as who gets to stay).

Sandy: So, I’m just waiting to hear back from Breanna about her availability and whoever has the better availability between the two of you, will get hired on.

Me: Ok. (Panicking internally at the thought of going back to school and living on my own with NO job and everybody having already hired their post-summer students).

So, the point of this blog is, please pray that my bad luck ass doesn’t end up unemployed. Thank you!

Side note: I went for a walk this evening and saw a possum! How cute is that?
(please note: this photo is not the actual possum in question)

2006-09-04T21:26:00.000-04:00

“When autumn comes, it doesn't ask, it just walks in where it left you last…”

In a time filled with various forms of celebrity couples: Vaughinston, Bennifer and all of the other stupid combo-couple nicknames, I have come to expect very little from the developments in celebrity relationships. Until this week, that is when my respect fell even lower.

I was signing out of my hotmail account when the MSN “Entertainment News” flashed up on the screen with a headline alluding to a developing relationship between the extremely talented, creative and a favourite singer of mine, John Mayer. And the blonde, idiot who cannot distinguish chicken from fish, divorcee, no talent bag of boobs and stupidity, Jessica Simpson (formerly of also horrible pop singer and former boy band member Nick Lachey for those of you who may have been living under a rock and have not had this pointless information rammed down your throats). This development, if found to be true, (that is if you believe People magazine), brings me the rage of a thousand suns.

I just cannot understand how these two people got together. Frankly, I expected more from John Mayer, I realize there’s something to be said for people needing to ‘get a piece’ from an attractive woman on occasion, but this relationship is going to turn everything he has worked for in his musical career and reduce it to the integrity of that shitty half hour spoof of a married life Jessica Simpson had with the disastrous ‘NewlyWeds’ series.

Please note: If you make a ‘reality’ television show about your marriage you WILL get divorced: Dave/Carmen, Travis Barker/Whatshername and Nick/Jessica. John Mayer writes and performs song with true elements of talent, creativity, sensitivity and true emotion. He contributed his writing skills to musical magazines and as I write this I’m listening to his song Something’s Missing and I ask myself how such a talent could associate himself with the likes of Simspson. Jessica Simpson probably needs help reading the label of her teeth whitening cream so she doesn’t get it mixed up with her peroxide. She is the embodiment of the stupidity depicted among female celebrities and the poor role models they present to young girls all over the world and to see her with John Mayer makes me truly disappointed.

2006-08-29T03:03:00.000-04:00

-- “You see, Lainie, this is all we need...a couple of smokes, a cup of coffee and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks.”

-- “You got it.”

-- Reality Bites

This weekend really got me thinking about friendship, specifically the formation of new friendships and infiltration of certain friend groups. When you find yourself at younger age in middle school and high school generally, if you’re lucky, you find friends with reasonable ease. But once you enter your twenties and perhaps stumble across said people whom you find interest in, you attempt (in my case anyway) to present yourself as clever and interesting, hoping to form some sort of sarcastic, joke based friendship that may result in an eventual solidified friendship. However, as is common for the general antics of my life, it has not appeared as easy as I’d hoped. Take for example yesterday evening. Out at a bar with some people that I have just become recently acquainted with, attempting to strike up conversation.

Now before I go any further, I should make a side note: my very good friend Mel and I often have many inside jokes and things we say that I didn’t realize may appear odd or confusing to outsiders. It was first pointed out to me another very good friend (whom I miss very much), Dana when I asked why she said little when the three of us began to hang out all together. Her lack of understanding of the things we were saying resulted in her attempts to pretend that she did and that she didn’t mind it. Since I became aware of this fact I have made various attempts to explain certain things, and avoid doing it, but with time (at least I hope) the problem has solved itself. Carrying on…

So last night I played the role of Dana but this time the inside jokers were that of long time friends, Mike and Brett. Now I, the idiot that I am, attempted to try and fit into said conversation and laugh at appropriate times and position myself in a way to perhaps develop a better friendship with these two extremely humourous, clever, and interesting gentlemen. However, something that you might know if you’ve read any of Brett’s blogs is that he has no feelings. Now let me just say I don’t mean this as an insult and Brett himself I’m sure would tell you it’s merely fact. Insults and people’s words have no effect on him; they bounce from him like no ones business. Chris Chambers is also an example of this, he’s often try to tell me to be more insulting, less caring etc. and I wish I could, but alas I’m cursed and lack the ability to do so. So, in true form, Brett tore me apart in various insults from the sound of my voice, to my lack of knowledge of the goings on of his and Mike’s conversation. I have tried my best to take Brett’s words with a grain of salt, but since those circumstances transpired, I’ve been asking myself questions about friendship: how can you befriend someone gracefully? Or can you tell someone you would like to be their friend and have them a) take you seriously and b) (especially in the case of Brett and Mike) have them not mock you endlessly. (Stay tuned for the comments, I’m kind of scared to be honest).

Another friendship aspect I’ve been thinking about lately is how/if you can repair a friendship to which you find yourself unsatisfied? I’ve had a certain male friend I’ve known for many years, once a co-worker, and it’s always been a strange sort of relationship. But lately I’ve found myself feeling a bit mistreated, a friend considered last resort or second class to him. Now I wouldn’t want to rid myself of a friend of many years, but not wanting to continue on a path with very little respect being thrown my way, how does one repair the problem without causing a fight or ending a friendship? Perhaps writing a blog about it?

2006-08-24T12:01:00.000-04:00

Late at Night I think about Max Weinberg, Apparently

So last night I was watching the summer re-runs of one of my favourite programs, Conan O’Brien when it occurred to me that his band drummer and leader, Max Weinberg of the Max Weinberg 7 has the sweetest job ever. If you think about it, the guy only has to play the drums for about a minute at a time at most and have a short and often humourous conversation with Conan after Conan approaches his desk. Of course, as is the nature of the show, sometimes inappropriate jokes are made about him but if you think about how much money that guy must get paid, who wouldn’t allow themselves to be the butt of a few well crafted jokes while racking in a crazy amount of dough for basically doing very little? It’s like a dream job, and he gets to wear a suit and look classy while doing it. I also wonder if Max would make more money then say, LaBamba the trumpet player, I’d assume so because the band is named after Max himself, but LaBamba also finds himself the butt of several (often homosexually referenced) jokes and the singing voice over for the very humourous Conan skit “In the Year 2000.” In such satirical working circumstances I have to wonder how much money Max would make in comparison to LaBamba and better yet, how they obtain these highly lucrative positions.

2006-08-15T23:51:00.000-04:00

The Pros and Pitfalls of Choosing the Casual Path

The subject of casual sex, on a basic level, seems to be a fantastic idea: sex whenever you want, with a non-committal partner. But when further delving into this issue, it can present to be more complex. What if one party develops feelings for the other and ends up getting hurt? How can you have sex and its other wonderful lead ups with someone whom you do not have feelings of at least care, minor affection for? Are some people like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when she utters the line (I’m paraphrasing here) “When I’m with a guy, I just do it.” And furthermore, to look at sex in that sort of way, is it even enjoyable? I guess we’re not looking at it from a prostitute perspective, so moving on. Is it possible to sleep with someone and feel nothing at all? It may seem obvious that the solution would be to be in a relationship. However, that is not a simple answer in itself for many reasons. Many broken hearted, pride protective people would rather hold on to their hearts without the horrible break up after effects. With this in mind, is there possibly a way to have casual sex mean something, without it meaning everything?

2006-08-15T00:55:00.000-04:00

“She Called Out A Warning, Don’t Ever Let Life Pass You By…”

hope
v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes v. intr.
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic. To have confidence; trust.

It seems as though I’ve taken a page from my friend Jeff Comer’s book, in the thoughtful blog idea. I’ve always been intrigued by the concept of hope, and how much we strive to keep it, and how crappy our lives would feel without it. It’s amazing to me after numerous amounts of potentially horrible, life altering things that may happen in ones life that we are still able to hope for cliché ideas like ‘the best is yet to come’ and ‘good things come to those who wait.’ But how do we know? And if we happen to become lucky enough to obtain the objects of our hopes and desires, how can we continue to hope once we lose them? Where do we find the faith to keep hoping, and believing that things will get better? It just seems strange to me that we cling to something to unattainable, or possibly to something temporary and fleeting, as our hopes and desires obviously undergo a series change throughout our lives. I certainly don’t mean to suggest that I’m in any way against this concept myself, inevitably we all are, and I am of course conveniently side stepping the issue of religious faith because that is an entirely different issue and perhaps another blog regarding what I find odd about people’s beliefs.

2006-08-10T15:38:00.000-04:00

The Day I Thought Would Never Come

Well kids, it seems the believed impossible has occurred. After a ridiculously long and horrible five years of crazy, shanty, toothless, illiterate yokels. I am finally, FINALLY able to quit Canadian Tire. With the September term at Sheridan looming, I’ve spent this summer attempting to get my ducks in a row. I found a place to live, paid my tuition, got a computer, but was starting to mildly panic about my job situation for two reasons:

1. I get crazy panicked and nervous during interviews
2. I had been living in the intense fear and anxiety that I would never actually be able to leave the absolute hell or the ‘red prison’ (as my friend and ex-co-worker Dana kindly referred to it).

I received a call from Bluenotes, a store in the Oakville Place Mall, and I was very excited. I enjoy shopping there, it had the potential for discounts and the obvious benefit of me being able to fuccccking quit! The very nice girl who interviewed me hired me on the spot and I honestly could not stop smiling for the remainder of the day.

So it seems it’s all coming together. I’m extremely excited but a little nervous. I know Oakville it’s practically a stone throws distance from Hamilton, but without my “posse” (what little one that may be), it may be a little lonely. But back to the job issue…

I WISH I could explain the absolute horror that has been my years at Canadian Tire. The retail establishment itself is not bad, it honestly is just like everywhere else. But I can only compare the managers of my store to that of completely irrational, ridiculous and often dumb people. Rules about uniform and not being able to wear a vest without long sleeves, hiding scanners and keys on you when you’ve accidentally left them somewhere so that you spring into a panic as punishment, and incredibly astounding amount of lies and gossip that I cannot even begin to comprehend.

My boss. There are no words. She may be the single most miserable person I know. I’ve never seen such a small woman carry so much rage and bitter evil hatred for others as she spews when the mood strikes her. The worst part being you can never predict when the mood will strike. When she decides it she can be nice and funny, you temporarily forget about the evilness until it rears its head at you. She’s the person I always walked away from wondering what she’d say about me when I wasn’t listening. After this 5 year egg shell limbo, I’m finally dancing my way out after much urging from friends Brent and Matt. And much doubt that I ever would from fellow employees. To them I say, fuck yah!

2006-07-29T23:47:00.000-04:00

Creepy Customer of the Day:

Scary Black Man (I’m not racist I’m just giving the facts): What’s your name? Looks at name tag, oh Cassandra, do you know what your name means?
Me: Sigh (thinking, oh here we go), No…
Man: (While holding the hand of his small child, about five maybe). It means a beautiful flower that no one gets to see inside except for once a year.
Me: Awkward laugh....uh huh.
Creepiest. Customers. Ever.

2006-07-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

Go Back to the Gutter that You Came From Biatch

If you know me, then odds are you are aware of two things: a) how much I dislike my current job and b) how crazy the people who shop there are.

Today was no exception. I’m walking around the boring department of Seasonal with my good friend Robert when a man and woman, both physically dirty looking, approach me with this week’s flyer inquiring about gazebos. The conversation went as follows:

Lady: (Insert bitchy tone here) There were two gazebos on the shelf when I was here earlier today and they told me I couldn’t get the sale price until tomorrow and now they’re gone. Where are they? They better not have sold when I was told I couldn’t have them for the sale price.

Note: Friday’s are the last day of the weeks sale and the afternoon/evening we activate the deal for Saturday morning, so customers often come in Friday night’s to beat the rush for items they really want. Both of which I told her. Also (and this is most important), she said both gazebos were on the shelf earlier, except the one is so large that is virtually impossible for it to have been in said place. Continuing on….

Me: Well Ma’am we did have this one (pointing to the one for 29.99) on the shelf earlier but I opened it for a customer and it was damaged so I cannot sell it.

Husband: Why were you opening it for another customer if it wasn’t on sale yet?
(Apparently we’re only allowed to let customers see/touch what is not yet on sale and nor any of the millions of other products that do not make it into the flyer).

Lady: They were both on the shelf before and they’re both gone!

Me: The other one does not have a home over there, because it is larger and more money.

Husband: What a scam (in an undertone)

Lady: No, both of these are 29.99

Me: No, this one is (pointing), the other, is larger and 209.99 not 29.99 and we have that one in stock if you want it.

Husband: What a scam.

Lady: This is ridiculous. This store is unbelievable. I was told I couldn’t have it for this price earlier and now its gone, this is fucking ridiculous blah blah (by this point I’ve drowned her words out and Robert and I exchange annoyed looks).

Husband: So you don’t have them even though you had two this morning. What a scam. Thank you.

At this point they depart and the woman is yelling loud obscenities about the quality of the store in general, making customers and fellow employees look at her oddly. And young Spencer in Housewares starts to do a stalky sort of dance as in impression, to which we all laughed of course. We have to get our kicks somehow.

My words will not do justice to the physically and conversationally ugly nature of this woman. To the right is an attempted likeness via my good friend paint (please note the black tooth, this is not for effect. She actually had one). I bet you’re glad that you don’t have to deal with crazies like this at your job. Come on Oakville interviews!

2006-07-24T22:38:00.000-04:00

I Love Incubus More than You, A Blog in Dedication to Brett E. Lintott

So last night at Slainte the often humourous and always interesting Brett Lintott told me I should write a blog about why I love incubus more than others (as per my Incubus ring tone on my cell phone). As I am currently out of anything of interest in my every day life to report and no creepy customers because I haven’t been at work for a few days, I decided it would be a good attempt to try and write the recommended topic. Now let me just say first off that I don’t care if you don’t like Incubus. I don’t care if you disagree with me about what I have to say regarding their music, because the below shall be my opinions only and in naïve hopes of preventing a Chris Chambers comment about how he knows more about music and bands than me, I shall reiterate these are my opinions alone, to which I am entitled.

I am not going to spew a long winded history of the band and how they changed drummers a few years ago, the names of their numerous albums because any website could indeed tell you that and probably with more accuracy than I.

My first introduction to the band came about six years ago when a then-friend who was obsessed with music (and my friend Melissa for a time), played me the song, the Warmth from the album Make Yourself (1999). From that point in I took an active interest in their older and since released albums.

I’m not sure I can accurately explain what draws me to this band, of course the beautiful features of band front man Brandon Boyd with his stretched ear lobes and henna tattoos are attractive to look at, their lyrics and variation in songs allow a song for any mood. Allow me to provide some examples:

Thoughtful: I Miss You, Drive, Echo,

Nostalgic: Wish You Were Here, 11am

Angry: Pardon Me, Sick Sad Little Word, Circles

Frustrated: A Crow Left of the Murder, Zee Deveel

Erotic: Are You In

Excellent to sing out loud to: Have You Ever, Privilege, Stellar, Leech

Even in blog form, I feel that my distinct fondness and admiration for this band cannot be accurately described. Their lyrics can be angry, emotional, political and sometimes just rocking out and with the musical styling to back it up. This makes them my band of choice, hands down, no matter how I’m feeling. If you’ve never had the pleasure to see them live in concert (as I have several times) I highly recommend it in conjunction with their general awesomeness in CD and DVD forms. Listen to Incubus, do it right now.

Side note: Brandon Boyd also has a book of art work that is really interesting. It is called Big White Fluffy Clouds, I've always found the art work below extremely intriguing for some reason, check it out if you get the chance.

2006-07-22T15:30:00.000-04:00

A Little Hometown Fun
My Recorded Adventures with Julia, no. 2

Yesterday I had the pleasure of discovering that a) Hamilton may not be as boring as I thought and b) you’re never too old to have fun like a kid. My good friend Ms. Julia Wilson and I headed of to the Confederation Park Wild Water Works; it was her first time there in many years and my first time ever, in fact. I highly recommend this summer time activity to all while the chance and weather is still available. Don’t want until you have your own kids and have to worry about running after them wiping their snotty noses before you venture back to this place that I assure you, is not only for the young.

The wave pool is really friggin deep, I was a little surprised at just how much, when Julia decided it would be “fun” to hold on to the bars on the side and ended up almost drowning ourselves, good times. The lazy river kind of smelled weird, but it was nice and calm with a few water falls and sprinklers conveniently located to push your friend’s tube under (which I had the pleasure of doing to Julia various times). The water slides were a lot faster than I remembered too, its funny when you’re a kid you’re so fearless and ready to do crazy shit, but when you’re twenty-two and flying down the water slide you start to fear for your life.

The best part of the water park, for me personally, is the weird people you encounter in your travels. For example, Julia and I saw a bunch of younger teenage kids near us and the one guy was missing teeth. Allow me to put this into perspective for you, I don’t mean a mere one or two teeth, but approximately five or six, the kid had NO front teeth it was like someone (perhaps his father though tragic it may be) took a shovel and knocked them out. It pained me to look at him. The weird thing was that somehow this trailer park kid seems to have had a girlfriend (or she was hanging all over him for just the day, its hard to say for sure). Somehow this guy with no teeth is the equivalent of a Romeo among his friends. How, I ask you is such a thing possible? It’s very unsettling to me that a guy missing half of his adult teeth can get a decent looking girl, is the male selection for girls out there really that slim? Perhaps this guy had a really tremendous personality but considering I heard him utter a phrase to the effect of: “who wants some of this?” I can only assume him to be somewhat of a douche bag and hold it more than likely the reason he lost those teeth in the first place.

The only thing I would have changed about our adventure out yesterday would have been the amount of a) lines and b) children. Both of which, unfortunately in places like that cannot be avoided. I do feel the establishment would have benefited for lines for a certain older age group or perhaps an adult time to have some separation from us and the kids but I’m sure this is unrealistic as it is a child-based establishment. In any event, I say it was an afternoon of aquatic hometown fun for under $20, you can always just knock the kids out of your way.

2006-07-14T02:15:00.000-04:00

The Novel vs. the Film: The Inevitable Struggle for Quality in the Midst of Sensationalism

Recently I read the highly acclaimed novel-turned-film, the Devil Wears Prada. Having read the book in its entirety I’m not sure the contents of the novel lived up to the hype, but I digress. Last week, my friend Melissa and I went to see the film. Now of course there’s always the inevitable comparison when one has read a novel to compare its contents to that translated to the big screen, but the changes in this film seemed so blatantly Hollywood-esque and sensationalistic that I could not help myself but comment on it in my small corner or the Internet blogging universe.

A brief synopsis of the story line: A recent university graduate names Andrea takes a job as one of two assistants to one of the most powerful editors of a fashion magazine by the name of Runway. This girl is somewhat homely and rather uneducated in the lifestyle and general ins and outs of fashion. The story revolves around the incessant impossible demands put forth literally night and day by this crazy bitch of a woman and consequently how it deteriorates Andrea’s relationships with her friends, family and boyfriend. Why does she keep the job you ask? Apparently after a year of working for this woman she can get Andrea a job anywhere she wants; in this case Andrea is pursuing the goal of journalist for the New Yorker.

Note: if you do not want to know the end of the movie and/or book please stop reading now.

The novel while found to be somewhat boring in parts, strives to present a realistic view of relationships. However, the movie predictably strives for the “happily ever after” ending. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

My first problem was found at the beginning of the movie when Andrea goes into the office at Runway and presents her boss (Miranda) with a resume for the job. In the novel, this and a small interview is enough to her the job. But in the film, Andrea of course presents one of those heart felt monologues about how hardworking, dedicated and generally how awesome of a person she is that is supposed to make you want to apparently cross your fingers the girl will get the job, which of course she does in both media forms.

While coming to live in the “fashion world” Andrea somehow stumbles upon a “smart hot writer” by the name of Christian, who of which incidentally, is not her boyfriend. In the novel they share a few flirtations and kisses (post break-up with aforementioned boyfriend). In reality, not such a big deal. In the movie Andrea gets drunk with Hot Writer and in her stupor (with of course her guard down because no one can just have sex without the seemingly growing trend of being under the influence of something in movies) they end up sleeping together. The next morning she discovers her dreamboat is in fact in partner with a competing magazine editor in France who are planning to overthrow Andrea’s bitch-ass boss. So of course she has to have regret and guilt post-intercourse, because generally when people have sex in movies it ends up being with extreme regret or on the verge of some sort of life altering news. Please note: NONE of this happens in the book. Why there always has to be some sort of bad guy in movies is beyond me. Moving on…

Towards the end of her one year mark, Andrea loses her shit on her boss and gets fired. She alas, does not achieve her sought after spot at the New Yorker. In the novel and in real life (as this book is based on true events) Andrea has to stick it out on her own and find her unemployed ass a job but miracle of miracles! In the movie, when you treat your boss like crap they still magically seem to step over the angry perhaps spiteful part of themselves and gives her an incredible reference. In a story that makes only one thing clear: this woman is supposed to be the most gigantic bitch on earth. If that is so, why would she magically have a change of heart? Not likely.

Last but not least, after a three year relationship (in the novel) Andrea grows to realize that she has unfortunately grown apart from her boyfriend and they decide to part ways, which has certainly been known to happen in real life. However, once again the ugly face of Hollywood rears its ugly head and the movie version of the couple (despite the fact she slept with someone else mind you!) stay together. I’m interested in the reason that Hollywood always seems to seek out the happily ever ending. Perhaps if more films existed where people didn’t stay together the sixteen year old tweens of future generations would be able to cope more easily with the harsh realization that their lives are not always going to end up with some guy wanting desperately to be with them forever. Call me bitter or crazy if you must (I’ve been called worse), but I believe there should be more room made for reality in movies, especially if the original work warranted such an ending.

2006-07-13T21:07:00.000-04:00

Living It Up in the O-Town

This passed weekend I embarked on an experience of which I’ve never had before. I was all set to drive out to Ottawa to head out for a resort in the death defying experience of white water rafting. The trip was arranged by my sister so the trip consisted of myself, my weekend companion and good friend Ms. Julia Wilson and fourteen of my closest acquaintances.

The trip there was off to a rough start when my sister’s moronic boyfriend was two hours late for departure, the reason of which I could only deduce, that he had difficulty putting one foot in front of the other to make it into his car. That aside, Julia and I hit the rode with new friends (and couple) Alie and Chris. Driving up with them was fun, they were friendly, conversational and were able to do what I love most: crack jokes about Brent and another of my sisters incredibly ridiculous and overall bitchy friends, Krista W. (The apparent high school teacher with the social skills and manners worthy of a nursery school student). The car ride was a bit wearing, by the end of the seven hour excursion Alie and Chris’s incessant referral to each other as “babe” practically every time they addressed one another made my want to crawl out the tiny car window. But my confined moodiness aside we arrived at the Owl Resort on Friday around 9:30.

The task of setting up camp came next, and at such a late hour with no fire and obviously no light, we began the crazy task of setting up the tent, while holding our drinks. The tent made it up with sufficient ease (minus one burn hole from Julia balancing the cigarette, but hey it was her tent). Next came the air mattress, because really, who sleeps on the ground anymore? We cleverly (or so we thought) purchased an air mattress with a built in foot pump for quick and efficient set up. Wrong. Never EVER purchase this type of air mattress under the illusion that is ACTUALLY will inflate, as it most definitely will not. Despite these setbacks Julia and I managed to secure our shared love nest for the weekend and get to drinking.

It turned out that there was a big Laurier function at the resort this weekend as well so there was a band each night in the pavilion with kegs and dancing to cheesey 80’s/90’s cover music. After a few drinks it seemed like the best dance party of all time, I assure you. In the cruel light of day, I’m sure not so but nonetheless…

After a late night, the blazing sun of the early morning woke us grumpy ladies up at and early hour in time for the breakfast rush and headed out into the beach complete with paddle boats and an in lake slide. Finally it was time for the rafting portion of the Ottawa adventure.

With the geekiest lifejackets helmets and paddles in tow we boarded a school bus that took us to the Ottawa River. Cut to the hottest rafting guides you’ve ever seen, the boys look like they walked right out of an American Eagle advertisements (although slightly less homosexual looking).

The trip itself was amazing it was about a six hour run down the Ottawa River. We went nose first thought he first rapid and another groups raft flipped right over, our raft was all filled with water and it was awesome. You really have to hold on for dear life and paddle so you don’t fall out. I don’t really feel there is a way to do justice the experience in words. We took a break with the other rafting groups at the half way point and the guides offered us a chance to jump from one of the cliffs beside our resting point. Julia and I both did it and it was crazy! I wasn’t nervous when we climbed up but when the guide said to step down near the edge and I saw the drop my heart leapt a little. But I managed to suck it up and take the plunge (literally). Definitely something I would do again and refer to others.

Our guide Ben, looked and sounded exactly like actor Edward Burns (see the picture to the left, minus the gun of course), the similarities were uncanny. I’m sure this would be considered irrelevant to many of you, but it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want!

The rafting venture ended with a few more rapids and water and awesomeness, we had dinner on a pontoon boat and coasted back to the resort for a viewing of our trip in dvd form and of course, drinking. My sister’s friend Toni who literally makes every male life form fall all over themselves at the wink of her eye, met up with one of the guides, Shane. Shane led their raft and had a very seductive Irish accent.

Shane took us around the secret campground of shanty platform tent houses that the guides live in, but if you think about it, living in a shanty summer dwelling for the summer while you get paid to white water raft all day would totally be worth it. It might just be the sweetest deal of all time job wise, especially coming from the girl who works crappy nine hour shifts and meets random weirdos on her job (as the previous blog clearly indicates).

I’m not sure what the point of this entry actually is, just reminisce over the events of my weekend in the Ottawa River and actually doing something of substantial note this weekend, that everyone should go to the Owl Resort in Foresters Falls and I’m envious of the many people I seem to encounter in my life who have the sweetest jobs ever.

For the rest of the pics of the trip go here: http://public.fotki.com/kcmcbc2/

2006-07-03T23:58:00.000-04:00

Crazy Shops Here

You know I’ve worked too long in retail when you decide to devote a blog entry to it. Nonetheless, here I go with one tale of the many crazy people that grace the walls of the ghetto Canadian Tire and one major complaint for the lazy bitches with no manners (I promise to explain this further).

So today I’m walking my usual route of the Sports/Seasonal department when a slightly older looking man with a purple shirt and dirty suspenders stops me. (Note: this isn’t weird to me as they all look like this man in various forms). He asks me for chlorine pucks for his pool, no problem. I show him where they are and he asks for a larger container. My very helpful friend and co-worker Robert offers to check for me. Then the crazy starts:

(For the sake of argument and throwing politically correctness to the wind, let’s call this customer “Crazy”)

Crazy: Do you have any life dreams or goals?
Me: Um...yah.
Crazy: Are you in school?
Me: Yes, I just graduated but I’m going back to school in the fall.
Crazy: Are you interested in investing to make some more money?
Me: (looks at him confused and annoyed)
Crazy: Most people work to live instead of working to have a lifestyle, my friend has a business that if you invest in you can (and here’s where he lost me) buy a pool and jump from your apartment balcony into it.
Me: ????
Crazy: Or have some of those solar garden lights that are so popular
Me: Uh…yah.
Robert returns, finally (yay!) I give him a look that says: this guy is scary and mouth “don’t leave me.”
Crazy: What’s your name? (looks at name tag) Oh Cassandra, are you online?
Me: Yah… I don’t give out my e-mail though… (looking scared).
Crazy: Well you should go to my friend’s website it’s a concept site, nothing for sale on it. (Tells me the name and address which I have already forgotten). He gives me a shanty business card which I threw out. Perhaps I should have kept it for this blog. He also assures me he’d bring me a more recent one next time he’s in the store and to tell my friends, etc. Fannnntastic.

I don’t know why it appeared as though I had any interest in anything this person had to say but apparently I unknowingly walk around with a sandwich board and ringing a bell that only the weirdos can hear.

The second thing happened to me last week that I’ve been thinking about for whatever reason, since then. This cute old man was shopping and he had one of those holes in his throat where you have to hold the voice box up to it to hear him speak. He asked me for something, I can’t remember what, but afterwards he held up his little voice box just to say thank you. Despite the effort it takes him to speak, he still made it to thank me when half of the jerky CT customers don’t even say anything before walking away. Kinda makes you think doesn’t it?

2006-06-27T22:20:00.000-04:00

A Blog for All My Single Ladies Out There

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the whole concept of marriage or long term relationships, the generally stated couple factor. I’ve been thinking of how this world favours those who are in a couple. Not only do you get the potential benefits of being in the said relationship and the (I’m assuming best case scenario here I know) the support and caring of another person. However, and I don’t ask this question from an angry perspective but from a truly curious stand point: what about the rest of us?

What I mean is, some times being single can be difficult, not having that person to lean on or make you feel special, whatever cheesy relationship concept you’d like to insert here, but what about the ladies (and gentlemen) out there who are single and do not receive these obvious benefits: the anniversary gifts/cards, special outings, etc.

So if you don’t choose to date or spend the rest of your life with the wrong person, perhaps become one of those career types, or stuck in the “just haven’t found the right person” category, what are your rewards? If you choose to be who you are and that person is a single, what’s the benefit for not stringing someone along or simply having bad luck finding a significant other? Well I certainly can live with out gifts and cards in my life, what about the greater benefits (often financial) that come from being a “we” in opposition to a “me.”

If you’re single it is more difficult to get a loan (waiting for that career to take off can be a pain in the ass), tax breaks, and other benefits. There really should be some sort of tax break for being on your own and struggling with financial trouble, or for not settling for some mediocre life that you don’t really want.

2006-06-25T19:14:00.000-04:00

A First Attempt at a Blog: Love, the Movies and Other Problematic Things

Before I say/type anything, I'd just like to draw attention to the fact that this is my first blog which contain any sort of substantial thoughts and/or feelings. So please go easy on me as you read whatever words follow this declaration. Thank you very much for stopping by.

So the down side of summer vacation, for me personally, is that fact that it gives you all this time to think. Thinking has always been sort of problematic for me because my mind seems to perpetually wander back to things past/painful events etc. One of which would be the feeling or allusive concept of love. I'm beginning to think that perhaps the television/movie industry has attributed to my feelings towards what love is, and belief that it exists.

Now, I should say that I do believe that love exists for people. My parents have been married for something like 25 years and despite their nagging banter, I know that no one else could put up with either of them the way they have put up with each other. But lately, I find myself watching certain television shows and/or films that leave me feeling slightly bitter or with an ere of ridicule. That not only are these characters undeniably in love but that you are some sort of freak for:

a) not wanting to get married and live happily ever after
b) not going to great lengths and obstacles in order to find love
c) the delusion that some sort of perpetual state of bliss actually exists

Now I know you're supposed to "suspend your disbelief" when watching movies but certain films seem stretch this idea reasonably thin. Allow me to provide some examples.

1. Pretty Woman - Richard Gere pays Julia Roberts to be his date/sexual play thing. They have sex on a hotel piano and somehow end up living happily ever after when Julia Roberts decides to give up a life of slutting it up and do the infamous "go back to school."

Somehow, millionaire Gere finds the prostitute endearing enough to fall for even though the movie gives the allusion that he could basically have any woman he wants. But instead of choosing a nice society woman, he chooses the prostitute with the prospective sexual diseases.

Now, call me bitter if you will but allow me to ask this question: Is this supposed to be some sort of representation of reality? I don't know about other parts of the world but I don't find any rich men looking to find love in the lives of prostitutes in Hamilton.

More importantly, if these two unlikely characters can find love together, what is wrong with you, the movie goer if you're in a less compromising predicament but still find yourself alone?

2. A Lot Like Love - Amanda Peet and Ashton Kutcher have a random sexual encounter on an airplane after eyeing each other in the airport before boarding. The story of these two character spans over roughly ten years (I believe). Because obviously if you meet someone on a plane you are going to see them again multiple times throughout your lifetime. Don't be ridiculous in thinking otherwise. They meet up the second time on a random city street in LA (even though neither of them actually LIVE there, but that’s of course irrelevant) and exchange phone numbers to prove that Kutcher's character will be rich and famous according to his "life plan." Peet's character randomly calls him up years later for a New Years Eve date (as she has recently been dumped. Note: being dumped is actually realistic). When she finds the receipt for the restaurant because of COURSE! She still has it! And wouldn't you know it? He's free for New Year's too!

The story goes on like this, Kutcher moves and so does she but they meet up a few more times and sleep together before that inevitable moment of realization that they will spontaneously combust if they don't get together forever (even though this was never a concern to either of them before said moment of enlightenment). Peet's character stalks him down in a rush against time (a possible looming wedding for him, no less) to that moment with the kiss and they feel the same way about each other and no notice that she stalked him down to his parent’s house and entered without invitation and the fact that she's slightly crazy.

So in short here's the recipe: meeting on a plane + living in different cities + seeing each other only a few random times in life = true love forever!

All I can think after viewing these two films and countless others is that, if it takes this kind of hoop jumping to find someone, and the women are beautiful like Julia Roberts, what hope to normal people have? And if you think about it in terms of reality, even she had to marry Lyle Lovett first.